Tuesday 13th March 2012

Today's been a reflective mood kind of day for me.  I didn't decide to have it like that, is was merely due to the heaviness I felt within me.  I woke up and I was fine - for the first moment.  Soon afterwards I felt my heart sink, and I had no idea what was making me feel that way.  Depression quickly loomed over me and I soon became best friends with it once again.

So this is where I began my expedition to self-reflection for the day and it lead me to a few points, some which have finally been brought to my conscious attention.  I tried so hard not to show my phasing out and as challenging as it may have been it was manageable.

I feel as if I haven't really been true to myself and that being said, probably not to others either.  So there are two main points I wish to bring to my own attention and hope to work on as a means to purify myself; my sarcasm and my acting.

Sarcasm:  Almost everyone who knows me will definitely see me as someone who takes enjoyment in mocking remarks.  Perhaps I do it too much.  The reason which leads me to believe this is how more and more frequent I find myself ending up deeply insulted and offended through my friends' scherzando.  I should tone down on it, and hope that it also tones down those around me, I'm growing tired of all this.

Pretence:  It has only come into my concious realisation that I like to act.  A lot.  Of all the times I've gone "Ohhh, I get it now", or deliberately ask a question in which I already know the answer to, have all been my attempts at playing dumb.  It's also come to my realisation that many people also take me for someone who's slow and often blonde.  I used to like pretending I didn't know things, it made me fit in with every one else.  I'm not saying I'm above others intellectually, I'm just saying that I'm not as shallow as everyone takes me to be.  No acting dumb now unless if required for keeping secrets of friends and family.  Hopefully I can come across more competent that stereotyped.

There is actually one more thing, but I'll save that for a later date when my heart aches more than it does now.  I've said enough this time around, no need to give too much information, I do want and have my own privacy.