Saturday 31st October 2009

Time is moving on so quickly, it's astonishing.  I wish I hadn't wasted a whole year, now a coud of pessimism lies overhead. 

I can't think straight, and that's the very things that's putting me off from wanting to do any more work.  I can't do it all for the next week, let alone Monday.

So many.  No.  Too many...

[A time to organise some thoughts]

I'm starting to doubt whether the half term was a good thing or not, whether if it was the cause of stopping my brain from processing or allowing me more time to get on top of my work and regain some of my health back.

There's something I'm content with though, rediscovering my sense of belonging, remembering the things that I thought I had lost forever, to realise once again the feeling of such blissfulness that is love.

This isn't love, as in the one definition in which most people stereotype it as, but more so of a love for friends and family, as well as those significant to oneself.  There's a kick to relationships, like some sort of drug, letting our minds escape to some far off realm with hopes and dreams.

What a thing to believe in. 

I must go, my focus isn't here.

Friday 30th October 2009

I was extremely tired today, my concentration had fled from me, leaving me in some vegetative state.  I couldn't process the things I took in today, my senses were numbed and couldn't find anything that could revive them.  I was literally dead but conscious. 

I'm worried for myself - I had dream last night, that I was killing of my family one by one, saying sorry in return.  Thinking back to it, I think I was in an emotional turmoil, where I forced myself into doing it, even with a great repulsive force holding me back.  I had tears pouring onto the corpses as I knelt in the middle of the massacre, crying to myself. 

My theory about dreams is that, if you remember it, then there's definitely something your mind is curious about and desires to know what will happen after that.  And this is the very thought that's sending shivers down my spine; am I to return to this horror, for the sake of seeing what would happen next, even if it's not real?  And if so, is that increasing my intention (not that I am aware of yet) of comitting such homicidal acts? 

This is what scares me - my own imaginations and what-ifs, it's haunting my mind, making me halucinate.  Why haven't I been diagnosed of some mental disorder?  Are those symptons simply not strong enough? 

I guess, the way I've been brought up, they've set me on the right path, to make me feel that taking one's life was wrong, and this repulsiveness I've been shown can alone prevent me from doing such things, however many times I consider them to be possible options. 

I used to be a fair person, and I still am, but I realise that I'm being selective about who to treat fairly, because I know there are people who can change to cause less friction, and those who will just take advantage, remaining still in their own state of mind, stubborn to alter any aspect of themselves. 

But to end on a brighter tone - I've become increasingly close to a few friends of mine, Sam and Josh especially.  Sam for giving up her time to support me and Josh for lifting those negative emotions from me.  I have to thank them and hand it to them, such stability and endurance, it's something I've greatly admired. 

Then why was I ever given loyalty and reliability?  Sure, I don't talk a lot, and I do pay respects to people at any cost, but I see myself more of a flawed person - severely flawed.  Allow me to explain; for my friends that are 1) very close and 2) faint acquaintances, they've placed such a high price on me.  But, those in between, have always jokingly expressed their doubts over trusting me, even as a joke, I still don't like it. 

"Oh, it's just Darren, it'll be fine." - comes to mind, again.  Being a listener for people has it's good traits I know, but there's a price to it.  You can become the punchbag too. 

Now this is the sort of thinking I really would like to make a habit of, so that I could sharpen my senses.  To know that things can happen, and the fact that it could go completely the other way.  I'm not saying things are reversible, it's not, what I am saying though is that you can cause just as much of an impact - whether it be damage or aid - to the one (or anyone else if you manage to apply it) that's causing an impact on you. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's all wrong but I'll stick to it for now, see how it goes. 

Thursday 29th October 2009

I felt so stressed today, panicing about so many different things that could possibly happen to me, having the fear that I wouldn't be able to pass IB and knowing that I would have wasted away 2 whole years of my life, delaying my dreams even more - how depressing the thought. 

All these worries built up in my head over the past few days in this half term, and I was afraid, so so afraid, that I would one day just break down for no apparent reason, eventually resulting in an isolated me.  It's almost reaching that point, I can sense it - for some reason, I'm finding every single thing offensive; what people say and do, what's been happening to me recently, what will happen to me in the future, even Josh proved to be somewhat provokative today as he wrapped himself around me. 

But he knew what to do, an uphill struggle to relieve me from this state of mind and actually managed to calm me down. 

I think about tw days ago, I talked about looking out for certain qualities within particular people, how do I go about this then?  I have to admit, I'm scared of getting myself involved with any form of infatuation again, from the experience I had not long ago.  And another thing - what orientation do I consider myself now?  For all this time since I've been singled out of a relationship, the shock of it has wedged me into a non-preference position, feeling no proper love from anyone I know of. 

There're so many things I have in mind, most of them I can't even put into words - I don't want to, for the fear that I could convey the wrong message.  I wouldn't really want to be ready for any further criticism, as I'm in an easily-offended state at the moment, too fragile of a mind. 

I guess, this is some connection to the delicate atmosphere created at Symphony Hall - how I miss it so much already...

Wednesday 28th october 2009

For those who haven't seen UP yet, I tell you now, it's a very emotional film, one of those where you'd go "aww" to and probably even shed a tear or two, considering it's an animation film that's a really big achievement. 

This I think has built up on the mood I've been put in by the concert the night before, it's made me take a step back and absorb everything in able amounts, nothing too overwhleming.  I think, with all of this, it's made me see the world in a different light, not completely different, it's a different feel, influenced by my past paradigm. 

All I've been able to do now, for whenever something occurs and hurts me, is smile back, both acknowledging and preventing themselves from finding out that they've caused any harm to me, knowing that they're totally unaware and are innocent of it. 

Tuesday 27th October 2009

The day I had anticipated had arrived.  The sounds I heard in that concert hall, will never be replicated ever again outside those walls.  It's sad, to know that as an absolute fact.  Those experiences, emotions and memories that resurface during that performance, it's all been a once in a life-time opportunity.

I spent that encore moment finding ways of taking most of that experience with me, hoping that it would last me for quite some time, for years even.  And I have.

I was in a completely different mood after that performance, I could take thing in no matter how fast they were thron at me.  All but one thing; that delicate atmosphere, with so many hours' worth of effort put in to creating that, crippled by the harshness of the reality of this world.  I won't stand to that, I'm ready to keep that special moment with me at all times, and never let go. 

[Returning from the airport]

New things everyday - even though I was fully aware of Josh's habits of invading intimate spaces I never expected he would constrict me and pin me against the wall.  This has made me realise something; people look for so many different things in love, with some qualities found only in a boy, or girl.  This is why, I think, and my theory, is that whatever sexual orientation you are all depends what you're trying to look for in terms of love.  Maybe you're tha way because that's the only way you're ever going to find it, or maybe that it flares a better chance of getting what you so very desired.

This me totally caught up in this haze, confused and confounded in the midst of what I want and need.  To write this blog now, with the music I'm listening to now, it just sits so well.

So here I end on probably one of the best tones I could possibly could at this moment in life; I'm just so glad that my christmas present came at just the right time.  I thank everyone who made this happen, it's done me wonders.

Yours Faithfully

Darren

Monday 26th October 2009

I can't help but notice that things have deadened slightly, this must be what abandonment is like.  I'm not just saying that because I want to be spoilt, more of the fact that I dislike this feel of emptiness.

How hopeless of me to think that I could have such a thing, when clearly it is impossible.  It's like what my friend had told me before, I try too hard to get next to nothing and little on the things that I need.

What a depressing thought that just went through my mind then; I just saw a life without anyone to be there with me.

This is why I should stop blogging, it gets too much to surface.

Sunday 25th October 2009

It's cold out here, and I don't like it.  Last year they were saying how every household should reduce their room temperature to 20 degrees, and this year, it's 18.  Are we supposed to be slowly freeze to death in order to save on electricity and decrease global warming?  If so, it's getting rather ridiculous. 

But I don't just mean cold as in temperature cold - there's this sense of bitterness about me and it's been around for quite a while now.  It's made me despise everything that's happened recently, totally not appreciating what wonders they bring. 

I embrace it still for when it happens, and that's all I'll be showing to people who see me.  I need to keep in mind though, I know that when I get time to myself I'll start to develop an unreasonable hatred for whatever it may be.  I need to save myself, something I should have said a long long time ago. 

I hate it when I do this, to put things off to a later date when clearly it has to be done ages before the actual deadline.  I don't like how I organise things, it's not efficient enough.  I'm going to stop complaining, it's hinging my thoughts on how find solutions to them. 

Saturday 24th October 2009

This extended essay of mine is turning out to be a lot harder than I had once though it would be, to even decide on a subject is difficult enough and I need to be able to conclude my investigation within 4000 words of presenting information.

The thought of having to do so much, in a space of a week, it's seemingly impossible to accomplish everything.  I'm going to end up overworking myself, or at least, tiring in some way. 

I must sleep, clocks go back an hour today, and I intend to use that to my advantage.

Friday 23rd October 2009

To have consecutive sleep-deprived nights on one of the busiest weeks of my college life is not a good combination.  The half term is almost here, I have one more day of being reminded of my A Level future and then I can start catching up with my sleep. 

There's sleep and then there's work - there's simply so much that's due in after the half term break that I can't simply wind down straight away, I need to finish the majority of the work I need to do first, before I start thinking of doing something new to me. 

Where the IB would lead my life to I've no idea, but I have the impression that it's not going to be a good one.  I have been contemplating switching higher and standard levels around, psychology and music respectively.  I think in this way as I am concerned about my chances of passing this course, the only comfort I can get is from teh mock exams in December - hopefully if I am able to get my grades up and the fact that they look better, then it may spark some chance of me getting even better with it. 

I doubt that though, I doubt it very much, as I don't think that I'll ever be able to change that much to make so much of a difference. 

There aren't many things on my mind at the moment, probably because I feel so tired and that my mind's not functioning properly to be able to stay so focused on one things and follow it through.  It can get so frustrating, I need some rest before my lesson tomorrow morning, would like to end my academic period knowing that I can do well in one subject...

Half Term is Almost Here

So much for a half term, teachers have purposefully piled up a whole load of work to over the burdened week in the hope that we wouldn't forget what we've learnt so far in our little IB period. 

Thursday 22nd October 2009

I think that I've put too much off to the last minute, things are piling up. So now I'm left with two choices - either attempt to speed up like I've tried for the past week and make little difference, or drop this stuff off and start afresh.

One thing I want to ask about - why give me options to choose from that if I choose the "wrong one", I get complaints back? It's like this idea of free will, which I'm still unsure about, but I have a feeling that I'm gravitating towards the deterministic argument somewhat.

There's so much coursework to do and I have essays to write. Again, with this procrastinating thing, I think I'm stuck in quite deep. Things should need to be done...

Compiti Italiano

The only time where I manage to do my independent study for Italian at home, I leave it there. Maybe it's a sign or something, that I should only do it when I get into college...

How wasteful of time it is to have something predetermined like that.

But fear no more, I have managed to venture into Moodle and hunt down the piece of homework to print off. Sometimes you just have to be thankful that your teacher goes through all this fuss in putting our work online when you already have an existing copy of it.

I think that we all take it for granted at some point of our lives. Not fully appreciating every single little thing that every one else seems to 'contribute' to the efficiency of whatever functions may be. Then again, I don't have the time to pay that much attention to everything all at once.

I must be off, I can't be late for Italian two times in a row, that's just going to ruin my punctuality reputation.

Wednesday 21st October 2009

I'm fed up of having to redo all of my work, especially if it's going to be due in for TOMORROW. I don't want to have to do it all again, simply because it's all so time consuming and I have another ton of work to do due in for the near future.

Then why do I constantly waste the time where I could be doing my work then? Because I need a break, I'm feeling the stress levels building back up again with only the thought that one day all these deadlines will be lifted from me and I would be able to breeze my revision, in my own time.

I'm in need of more time. Maybe by cutting short of my time on here would help contribute to that wish.

Tuesday 20th October 2009

What dawned on me today was the amount of work that needed to be done by Christmas. It's only then when I would finally get a chance to lift the most of the weight from off of me and just purely revise all the way to the exams.

It would be such a great feel, to know that I can start getting things under my own control.

For now, I must finish everything else off, in the hope that I could free myself up earlier than anticipated...

Monday 19th October 2009

Symptoms of insomnia are showing up, for the past few days I have realised that I've barely slept at all, and look at the time now - 3am. I have college tomorrow, what am I doing?

I was suppose to set my mind on work, but the hunger had gotten the better of me. I should stop wasting time now, need to get back to the wonders that are my essays and whatnot.

Follow The Crowd

The bad things about me, the criticisms of me, the prejudices put upon me.

All these things I can eventually find a way around, to eventually manage to manipulate them and use them to my advantage rather than trying to fix it. Sure, there are things that definitely need to be fixed, like severe procrastination, but it's still good for me to keep those traits for when it comes in handy, right?

Why am I even asking, I know what to do already, I've set my mind onto it.

I used to think that if you're different to everyone else in some form or another, you try and show them to the best of your ability that it can be used for good. But I've realised through my years worth of life experiences, that there are also people who think just the same and follow the same concept too, thus leaving neither side satisfied with what they have achieved.

So this is what I propose - if the majority of the population believes that something of mine does not conform to their usual homeostatic lives, and that I fail to make them understand and embrace my paradigm of seeing the good in my unusualness, I may as well go along with what they think and keep it all to myself, knowing that I know that it's good for me still.

I shouldn't mould myself into something others would prefer me to be, for the sake of letting them complain some more and telling me to change those "last few details" they've said repeatedly for the past few years or so.

It's not worth it all, it's like I'm told to clean the floor, done it, and no one notices until they see a "you missed a spot" moment.

What? There's no more to say on this matter now, anyhting else I'd rather keep to myself to save myself from what I anticipate, rants and criticisms. Now that I've mentioned that, I'm guessing there are people now feeling more reluctant to do just that.

Sunday 18th October 2009

OK, there have been people that I have purposefully pushed away for the fact that I find them either off-putting or pestering, but there's this thing of loathing turning into fondness about and I seem to be finally understanding this concept.

After an entire fortnight of contemplating of activating my visa card, I finally come around it, despite the issues I'm having at home at the moment, it's going to be pretty hard to get out of the house unless it's for educational purposes.

What issues, you may wonder, I've only just found out where my dad resides. This is an emotional overturn for me, even though it does spark family disputes once again. I for one shall leave it at that, no one seems to like this to leak out any further than a few friends.

Saturday 17th October 2009

It's all settled - I'm having none of it now. I am certain of who remains at which distance, these second chances and however many more chances I gave.

This regressing as they so like to call it, is fixing myself. If they don't like it, then move on.

Friday 16th October 2009

I thought that it would have been a good idea for me today to be following the Metro's horoscope's advice. I was in a good mood and so thought that I could do with some guidance to be this "better person" in which the Metro attempts to model its readers into:

"Don’t make fun of friend’s problems. A lighthearted attitude could see you getting into all sorts of trouble if you are not careful. Offer an ear, not an option, to keep friends on your side today."

It all seemed reasonable, keeping friends whilst getting to see issues from their point of view without interruption. I was wrong. I tried intently to listen to what people had to say about anything, without me saying a single word - I tried not to joke about things, or suggest anything for in terms of my horoscope today, that I could offend anyone.

This did not work well, even though people were marginally happy today it was the atmosphere in which they had casted around them that hurt me somewhat. I think, there was a more childish side to things that irritated me slightly at first, but after a while, I began to notice how it contrasted greatly against my own well-being. I must be overly monotonous and monochrome to be able to experience such highs. It's only right to be happy that others are happy, right? Then what was there to damage me so much? I mean, they've done nothing wrong, nothing that was intended to scar me, but still I felt hurt so much.

Then there was later on in the day, where I was directly criticized of "regressing" back to my old self, of keeping myself to me and me only. I thought the whole point of restarting a relationship was to reset the distance and intimacy level too between the people. Therefore these pacts are eventually broken too, right? If things were to be reset, then all introduced ideas are deleted, leaving us only the default to work on, like starting from scratch.

I listened with attention, taking everything in and I was able to hold back on my anger and disgrace of that moment of mistreatment.

"Oh it's Darren, it doesn't matter." - it's like I'm not supposed to be treated with fairness, that I don't deserve anything of merit or opportunity, chance or advantage. Why? Because I take things for granted, so it seems. Even when there had been times for me to return a favour that I truly owed, it never had been appreciated, my actions were dismissed, unnoticed and they move on as though nothing had happened. Oh, is it because that's just something that's normally expected from me? I'm doing my best, I do offer things when I have nothing to lose, but the criticism works just as well the other way - taking things for granted. I have attempted to lessen the unorthodox ways of my takings by actually giving something, even if little. This is what frustrates me.

I have spent, five whole years being altruistic, helping others out at the cost of my own well-being, aiding people I am not new to, I know these things well inside-out. Ever since the start of college I saw all this freedom, of what you could do for yourself, I had decided to take things for myself, I knew that everyone else would fight their own corner in their college lives, and by being altruistic in that environment I'll just be preyed upon. I had developed my greed for a reason, for my own well-being. Throughout my life in my old secondary school many have advised me to start living for myself or I'll become an easy pushover. I toughened up. Now it seems that people find me too competitive and now dislike me for doing what I want to do.

Swaying to the side of this topic now, I don't want to get too deep into all this. I felt hurt and most of all, I felt disappointment.

I saw things in a new perspective this afternoon, this mask that I had always worn when in front of these people today in Solihull, was quickly removed by the Adam's sheer timing of asking the right questions. Even if he had not planned to do it that way, I was surprised that he had found this opportune moment, it left me unsure whether I should take that moment to lift the weight from off of me, to spill a bit of that emotional bottle to postpone my regular outbursts.

I did, for about three sentences. That was about a few drops, like that would have been able to prolong my composure, but I didn't have to do the emptying, the bottle was pushed over not through my causes, but this alternate perspective that I was given. I even agreed to why it would have been done in that way, it made me feel light and fuzzy, a sort of feeling that would have been able to make me smile, but he stopped, and the activation energy had not been achieved.

This is awkward even for me, I'm developing this new form of closeness towards this friend of mine. I took time out reflecting on this whilst on the bus when I had nothing better to do. It wasn't just another person that I know of, and it wasn't just another friend of mine either. It seems to me like every other story would have told, the mistreating and hatred eventually transforming into a fondness, a predilection that I would reach out to that would make things so much easier to get to, to access.

Writing this now makes me realise another thing - this change from dislike to like, maybe because I had already liked it in the first place (And here I would have inserted a relevant Hamlet quote but I really can't be bothered), and maybe that this mistreating of me, would eventually turn out fine.

Ha! I find that hard to believe. Although it would be nice if I had an insight to Jade's mind...

Thursday 15th October 2009

My commitment to academic progress had been boosted today, people have taken a good side (if any) of me and somehow enhanced that, showing me that I could use what I'm good at and apply it to the things I don't understand.

This concept is new to me, in which, I am happy to try out. I should, I don't see what can go wrong except...

There's enough work to be doing. Why don't I start on that first?

Wednesday 14th October 2009

A vomit-free day, that's something I don't find everyday, if only. Here I am sat right next to a bin waiting for the next throw-up (which I feel is coming up soon) whilst doing my Italian homework (meanwhile writing up a blog entry).

What's in this picture? I don't know, you tell me. I'm blind enough as it is, my eyes are watering up for no reason as though I have conjunctivitis, they feel swollen. My nasal passage is congested, my throat is making me feel itchy.

I'm starving myself to death, simply because there's nothing left to eat at home and the fact that I cannot afford to eat enough for the next three days on £5 remaining. This is going to take some money-saving skills. I refuse to borrow, or an excuse can be made to attack me for when I'm targeted - it's always been the case, right?

I need to get back to my work, I need to do "more than the minimum" they say. And this I will do just that...

Tuesday 13th October 2009

Ill, so so very ill. Constantly blowing my nose, losing at least 50% of my body's moisture through tissues, I feel dehydrated.

Sick, so so very sick. Vomiting at the sight of a sink or a bin, I can't really keep up with college any more. But I need to. If I want to pass this I have to go through this with my most elite effort. I need my focus and concentration, I can't let myself slip away at just an illness.

I'm tired, I think I should retire to bed a little earlier today, just after my maths homework...

Monday 12th October 2009

Today was simply depressed, to be honestly blunt. I don't know how else to put it. I have this feeling that I could go through these two college years coming out in the end with nothing at all.

How depressing of a thought that must be. It really is by time that I get my act together. These worries are building up inside of me, going to the extremes already and this is only just the thought.

I should calm myself down, I know I have the tendency to fear for the worst, that's probably what's dragging me down to the pits.

On a bright note, I feel at ease, whether that be the wrong approach to this situation I don't seem to be able to get out of this phase. Like I mentioned a while back, bipolar characteristics, that's probably it. This is either me recovering or I've finally reached breaking point of my depression.

Sunday 11th October 2009

So my journey into looking on the brighter side of things begins right here. Whether it be that I found the sun as an aura of tranquility or listening to my songs in a completely different way. The bus ride back home was definitely alien to me, even if I do see everything on a college day.

The sun was out, and I think it was probably that that was casting some sort of enchantment upon my mood - I felt lighter.

I think I'm beginning to know my place now, to know where I should lie on this endless line that I've encountered earlier on my my life.

This must be said - I've never felt so at ease with the people today than I ever have since the beginning of college, and that's a big achievement. Ever since I started here, I knew nobody, why? Because no one else at the old secondary school had the grades to get into even a college such as this. I began to doubt, whether I was really academically intelligent, but came to terms that I was, only compared to those in my school. Nowhere else. What hopes did I have to make me think that I could get to the top of this institution, if I managed to wreck my GCSE grades with no intention of trying in my exams?

That was then. There have been new approaches, which enabled me to understand why I had ended up like that, and from those things I learnt to fix any major holes that I had. I began to understand what I did wrong and saw how narrow-minded I was back then, considering compared to most others in that school, I was pretty open-minded. Things like this, to go down a bad route for so long, takes introspection and judgement to get oneself out of their own hellhole. I've been lucky, to be able to think for myself, to save myself from what would have been a completely ignorant me.

In general, I would like to think, people who have gone so far down this path in life are definitely incurable by the works of others, states like these you have to help yourself. The best you can do for someone as bad as this is to put them in the most suitable environment for them, like mother had done to me - IB at a college where I would be just another nobody.

From all of this, I have people I need to thank, something I should have realised long ago.

There were other things I was meant to say that I planned on the way back home, but I forgot. They're on these lines - you get the gist, if not, I do.

Saturday 9th October

I had a record-breaking 10 hours of sleep today, which has truly surprised me, but yet I still feel just as tired. If not, even more so than I usually am. I've had to plan the things I need for the following day, but for just a few hours seemed to take so long.

Nevertheless, this imminent feel of something missing lingers on inside of me.

This I can't quite put my finger on, so I'm going to have to leave it at that for now...

Friday 9th October 2009

A positive end to a very contrasting week, in my perception of things. However, this seems to contradict Adam's impression of everyone being in a "brighter" mood throughout the week, which I could also agree to some extent.

I don't know about this, of how everything seems to happen all at once. I mean, sure it's good to finally realise that a load has been lifted from off of your chest, but was the relief worth all that effort and pressure? Unfortunately I am still currently at terms with one another, still trying to decided which one outweighs the other.

Today's been a light and hazy mood for me, not reading too deeply into things, more sensory than semantic I should think.

Yet, I can't help but notice this feeling, something that's always been in the back of my head. My dearest father never played a major role in my life, but still he strikes me just as much as anyone else I know of. With his... disappearance, only this made me realise that he had contributed something to my life, whatever it may be it's definitely something I am currently missing.

I miss him, all in all, I want him back. That's too much to ask for, because I know I'm asking for something that's almost impossible, to try and bring everyone back together again like it had been a decade ago... I miss the days where we lived as one complete family, with little troubles and drama, always being able to afford what comforts us best.

I miss those days, the days where I was too young to fully appreciate everything they did for me when they were together, things that are not likely to happen again, just those once in a lifetime chances, gone with my childhood (if any).

Today, marks an unusual theme, a mixture of light-headedness and nostalgia. A great combination indeed.

A Recent Realisation

THE WORLD GROWS.

I swear there were less people than that living on this rock.

That is all I have to say.

Thursday 8th October 2009

It wasn't the tiredness that was the only thing that hit me this morning as I woke up, the cold was waiting for me too. Frozen, pinned into position, I was unable to move away from the cosiness of my bed, the warmth it provided, the comfort and energy it could reimburse for me. The heater wasn't on. Apparently, it was too early for the heater to go on and for only one person to appreciate the fully heated house on their own, is too much at cost.

My toes were frozen by the time I had gotten to the college, in which the day bought a few new things into my life. Once again, I am able to take extra exams and a familiar face in Yr12 too - just so happened to take GCSE mandarin with me last year at JCC.

All that was unexpected, none of it was bad - I lost all my songs, that must be bad...

There was a cloud about me, something that kept me from being fully conscious. Not quite sure what it is, by the time I get to think straight again, it could have been gone and I wouldn't be able to find out what it is.

It's really not the time, I should get back to my work or I'll fall back into my social self again...

Stuck In College

Stuck here with nothing to do, nothing but wait for at least another hour. How shall I go about this then? Simple. Library - what more can you get out of spare time in college?

Trying to get music investigation done and looking into my psychology coursework. Things should start to ease off temporarily now that my IOC exam is over...

Wednesday 7th October 2009

Dolce et decorum est pro patria mori - What a poem to do on one of the most dependent days of my life. Especially through a time like this, it's just the right thing to fit into my life right now.

I was in deep thought of what I should have done ages ago, of how everything would have been alright - I wouldn't have to go through all of this mess as I am now. Those times were missed opportunities, chances that I never saw came.

If I had the chance to go back in time, I'd tell myself to study. Study hard and not stop once you're at the top, because there many more people just like you out there.

Keep going and never stop. That's something learnt a tad too late...

The Maths Workshop

For an exam question that weas so simple to solve, 10 minutes in the maths workshop, after an entire week of attempting to find the answer for it. Now I have 20 minutes

I feel stupid.

Tuesday 6th October 2009

My IOC tomorrow and I've spent the entire evening studying on my war-time poetry and Hamlet play. It's funny how I can relate myself to Hamlet, in a very twisted sense. Maybe I could use this for if I've been given Hamlet to commentate on, it should go down well.

I had a look through analyses online and found out that it could be interpreted in so many diverse ways; each of which are all correct within their own reasoning.

How nice it must be not be able to think about things. How nice it must be to forget things so easily. I feel envious, of all the traits I could possibly choose from, I get a sustained memory, so that things could haunt me forever.

Anyway, I shouldn't spend too much time on here, it can all go to some use for me for tomorrow afternoon when my life will depend on something, whatever it my life is worth now.

Monday 5th october 2009

People have been... different. Unusually different and scarily unexpected. Yet I continue to wallow in my sorrow, to know that they're afraid of getting serious for when it comes to me. There's nothing left here for me now, all I can do is be happy around them, that alone is enough to satisfy their expectations.

There's nothing more that I can do, any more then people will hate me again. I've gone back into place, turned my back once again on my social needs and have poured my heart into education. That's the way it's going to be, no one's willing to put in that much effort anymore, not after a year into our college lives.

Sometimes I think, I'm just someone that people take me as "an extra somebody" that they know of, for their popularity status. But who would want to mention me? What good have I done since I was allowed my freedom to do what I want?

That was the other thing; this idea of freedom. I yearned so much for it throughout my secondary school years, but even now when I've been given the access to it, I only tear my own life down. I know now why parents never allow children to do such things, sure it swells the curiosity for when the opportunity arises, but it keeps us safe, innocent, unharmed.

But no, things like this I force myself into learning it the hard way.

What a mess indeed.

Confused

Not too difficult a question - Hero or Villain? Well, let's see the facts; since when had I ever done something thoughtful for someone? How many times have I managed to detach from someone for? How many people now hate me for the way I live my life? Who's the one to blame for all this upset in everyone? I could go on forever, need I continue?

I've had enough, fed up of it all. I am now utterly convinced that I have some sort of despicable habit that everyone seems to despise. Even if I choose to fix that human error of mine, there's definitely going to be something else that will be picked at. What am I supposed to do? I've no idea how I should deal with this nor do I know what will happen even in the next hour.

I've always been saying that I've been on the verge of tears, but this time, it's really hit me hard, just me, sitting there in my own little room, gazing at my top shelf where me trusted razor had always been. Three whole hours it took, for me to set my mind to allow it to comfort me. For all the things I do and have done, I deserved the punishment, right?

What sick disorder have I developed that makes me think this way? I've become something hideous, something that everyone feels embarrassed to talk about or ashamed of knowing such a thing.

There I was, thinking that I could make changes, certain that good things will derive from what I do, such a beautiful lie, an elaborate delusion to believe in, with all things intricately planned and thoroughly revised.

And here I am, encouraging myself to pour out my emotions whilst tears are constantly forming accompanied by the sweet, soft, silent wails which no one else will ever witness unless they want to seek some entertainment from me. And here I am, once again contemplating whether it's worth going through all this or do I just quit and live a fresh new life. Here I am, lost and confused, left with no direction pointed out for me. Like I had said before, it's by time that I pick up my own lead rather than let someone point it out for me. Letting go of my sense of direction was never the right thing to do, the hardest part for me now is to pick up from were I left off in Yr12...

So, this is me, at its core, rotten and cold, without any consideration for anybody else. This is me, coping with the fact that I have just pushed everyone right out of my life. This is me, trying to get a grip.

Life's not fair. Tough. Live with it.

Sunday 4th October 2009

Things are piling up, going to detach myself from everything here for the moment - will be back in due time.

There's just too much that can go too far on here...

Saturday 3rd October 2009

I'm not going to bother expressing my anger today, simply because it's only going to lower me right down to people's attempt to break me down, which I already have. Here I am, about to break my first tear, wanting to resort to the very razor I turned to in July, here I am, just how you wanted me to be and yet I remain here convinced that they're still not satisfied.

My suppression is in action, therefore I have nothing else to comment on. I bid you all goodnight.

Friday 2nd October 2009

I don't know what to say, it was all a bit different today, not only was it because of the inset day, but I think it's the people too. Almost everyone seemed slightly more sociable today, and what was ironic, there were few people in rehearsal but the bus I take home was unusually packed with passengers.

I'm beginning to feel more relaxed about certain things, that there are things that I can loosen up on, without having to use so much time where I can do just the same in less. This though, shouldn't really be the sign that I can slow down, I'll need to stick it up right the end of this, I still need these with me to get help me get through my life for another year or so.

Something's up with my energy levels, they've been extremely low recently and I'm not quite sure what the cause of it is. I should probably get some sleep now really, or else I'm going to feel like crap in the morning tomorrow.

Hours of Waiting... Still

As of 14:36 today, I'm still enclosed in what people call a room, trapped within this place, with very little to do. I have around two hours of waiting to do until I head off to orchestra, what to do in those hours still remains a mystery to me.

Bored.

Thursday 1st October 2009

I was so sure that I would end the day on a light-hearted mood, but no, there just has to be someone to dent it, not even just denting it, heavily denting it. I feel hurt, never have I been so easily pushed to my limits and today tested my composure. It's always so frustrating, to come up with something that was so fantasy-based and what would have been the idealistic world to be in, and then someone comes along to pop it, and that's it. Gone.

Endless night of crying myself to sleep, tonight may be the first in days that I won't be - simply because I've gotten so used to it now I've become immune and senseless to these things. I'm losing the ability to sympathise with myself, it's a waste of effort.

What am I doing here? For so long I've tried to do all those things I had dreamt of when I was young and to hold onto those memories close to heart, all of it comes crashing down because I failed to achieve exactly what I wanted. It's harder than it looks; the ambition never seemed that far off but it's so hard to get there.

I would love a moment where I could be free of criticism, free of anything that could bring my mood down, just so that I could be carefree for once, to let myself go. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, all I know is what I need and it's hell trying to get them.

Nihilistic some call it, I prefer the term useless. There's no use for me, why even bother anymore if it's not going to work out? I'm afraid, scared of the unknown, of what the unplanned life has in stock for me, the only factor that's fuelling me on what so many people, if not all, believe is the right path for me stick to.

My alternative option was to find a way out - I've told a few people of my dreams of how I would die, there used to be so many different ways, but now it's all narrowed down to two.

There was a reason why I made myself distant to other people, because there's no one that will agree with me on the more sensitive issues I have in mind, either that or they push it away with humour or sarcasm. This is why I feel hurt, people complain about how I don't express, yet when I want to bring on a subject, they don't want to involve themselves into it. Even if some try to, they make it so awkward and uncomfortable for me that I'm not able to express properly what I intended to.

It's a frustrating situation, the best I can hope for is... I don't know anymore.