Confused

Not too difficult a question - Hero or Villain? Well, let's see the facts; since when had I ever done something thoughtful for someone? How many times have I managed to detach from someone for? How many people now hate me for the way I live my life? Who's the one to blame for all this upset in everyone? I could go on forever, need I continue?

I've had enough, fed up of it all. I am now utterly convinced that I have some sort of despicable habit that everyone seems to despise. Even if I choose to fix that human error of mine, there's definitely going to be something else that will be picked at. What am I supposed to do? I've no idea how I should deal with this nor do I know what will happen even in the next hour.

I've always been saying that I've been on the verge of tears, but this time, it's really hit me hard, just me, sitting there in my own little room, gazing at my top shelf where me trusted razor had always been. Three whole hours it took, for me to set my mind to allow it to comfort me. For all the things I do and have done, I deserved the punishment, right?

What sick disorder have I developed that makes me think this way? I've become something hideous, something that everyone feels embarrassed to talk about or ashamed of knowing such a thing.

There I was, thinking that I could make changes, certain that good things will derive from what I do, such a beautiful lie, an elaborate delusion to believe in, with all things intricately planned and thoroughly revised.

And here I am, encouraging myself to pour out my emotions whilst tears are constantly forming accompanied by the sweet, soft, silent wails which no one else will ever witness unless they want to seek some entertainment from me. And here I am, once again contemplating whether it's worth going through all this or do I just quit and live a fresh new life. Here I am, lost and confused, left with no direction pointed out for me. Like I had said before, it's by time that I pick up my own lead rather than let someone point it out for me. Letting go of my sense of direction was never the right thing to do, the hardest part for me now is to pick up from were I left off in Yr12...

So, this is me, at its core, rotten and cold, without any consideration for anybody else. This is me, coping with the fact that I have just pushed everyone right out of my life. This is me, trying to get a grip.

Life's not fair. Tough. Live with it.