Friday 30th October 2009

I was extremely tired today, my concentration had fled from me, leaving me in some vegetative state.  I couldn't process the things I took in today, my senses were numbed and couldn't find anything that could revive them.  I was literally dead but conscious. 

I'm worried for myself - I had dream last night, that I was killing of my family one by one, saying sorry in return.  Thinking back to it, I think I was in an emotional turmoil, where I forced myself into doing it, even with a great repulsive force holding me back.  I had tears pouring onto the corpses as I knelt in the middle of the massacre, crying to myself. 

My theory about dreams is that, if you remember it, then there's definitely something your mind is curious about and desires to know what will happen after that.  And this is the very thought that's sending shivers down my spine; am I to return to this horror, for the sake of seeing what would happen next, even if it's not real?  And if so, is that increasing my intention (not that I am aware of yet) of comitting such homicidal acts? 

This is what scares me - my own imaginations and what-ifs, it's haunting my mind, making me halucinate.  Why haven't I been diagnosed of some mental disorder?  Are those symptons simply not strong enough? 

I guess, the way I've been brought up, they've set me on the right path, to make me feel that taking one's life was wrong, and this repulsiveness I've been shown can alone prevent me from doing such things, however many times I consider them to be possible options. 

I used to be a fair person, and I still am, but I realise that I'm being selective about who to treat fairly, because I know there are people who can change to cause less friction, and those who will just take advantage, remaining still in their own state of mind, stubborn to alter any aspect of themselves. 

But to end on a brighter tone - I've become increasingly close to a few friends of mine, Sam and Josh especially.  Sam for giving up her time to support me and Josh for lifting those negative emotions from me.  I have to thank them and hand it to them, such stability and endurance, it's something I've greatly admired. 

Then why was I ever given loyalty and reliability?  Sure, I don't talk a lot, and I do pay respects to people at any cost, but I see myself more of a flawed person - severely flawed.  Allow me to explain; for my friends that are 1) very close and 2) faint acquaintances, they've placed such a high price on me.  But, those in between, have always jokingly expressed their doubts over trusting me, even as a joke, I still don't like it. 

"Oh, it's just Darren, it'll be fine." - comes to mind, again.  Being a listener for people has it's good traits I know, but there's a price to it.  You can become the punchbag too. 

Now this is the sort of thinking I really would like to make a habit of, so that I could sharpen my senses.  To know that things can happen, and the fact that it could go completely the other way.  I'm not saying things are reversible, it's not, what I am saying though is that you can cause just as much of an impact - whether it be damage or aid - to the one (or anyone else if you manage to apply it) that's causing an impact on you. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's all wrong but I'll stick to it for now, see how it goes.