"Don’t make fun of friend’s problems. A lighthearted attitude could see you getting into all sorts of trouble if you are not careful. Offer an ear, not an option, to keep friends on your side today."
It all seemed reasonable, keeping friends whilst getting to see issues from their point of view without interruption. I was wrong. I tried intently to listen to what people had to say about anything, without me saying a single word - I tried not to joke about things, or suggest anything for in terms of my horoscope today, that I could offend anyone.
This did not work well, even though people were marginally happy today it was the atmosphere in which they had casted around them that hurt me somewhat. I think, there was a more childish side to things that irritated me slightly at first, but after a while, I began to notice how it contrasted greatly against my own well-being. I must be overly monotonous and monochrome to be able to experience such highs. It's only right to be happy that others are happy, right? Then what was there to damage me so much? I mean, they've done nothing wrong, nothing that was intended to scar me, but still I felt hurt so much.
Then there was later on in the day, where I was directly criticized of "regressing" back to my old self, of keeping myself to me and me only. I thought the whole point of restarting a relationship was to reset the distance and intimacy level too between the people. Therefore these pacts are eventually broken too, right? If things were to be reset, then all introduced ideas are deleted, leaving us only the default to work on, like starting from scratch.
I listened with attention, taking everything in and I was able to hold back on my anger and disgrace of that moment of mistreatment.
"Oh it's Darren, it doesn't matter." - it's like I'm not supposed to be treated with fairness, that I don't deserve anything of merit or opportunity, chance or advantage. Why? Because I take things for granted, so it seems. Even when there had been times for me to return a favour that I truly owed, it never had been appreciated, my actions were dismissed, unnoticed and they move on as though nothing had happened. Oh, is it because that's just something that's normally expected from me? I'm doing my best, I do offer things when I have nothing to lose, but the criticism works just as well the other way - taking things for granted. I have attempted to lessen the unorthodox ways of my takings by actually giving something, even if little. This is what frustrates me.
I have spent, five whole years being altruistic, helping others out at the cost of my own well-being, aiding people I am not new to, I know these things well inside-out. Ever since the start of college I saw all this freedom, of what you could do for yourself, I had decided to take things for myself, I knew that everyone else would fight their own corner in their college lives, and by being altruistic in that environment I'll just be preyed upon. I had developed my greed for a reason, for my own well-being. Throughout my life in my old secondary school many have advised me to start living for myself or I'll become an easy pushover. I toughened up. Now it seems that people find me too competitive and now dislike me for doing what I want to do.
Swaying to the side of this topic now, I don't want to get too deep into all this. I felt hurt and most of all, I felt disappointment.
I saw things in a new perspective this afternoon, this mask that I had always worn when in front of these people today in Solihull, was quickly removed by the Adam's sheer timing of asking the right questions. Even if he had not planned to do it that way, I was surprised that he had found this opportune moment, it left me unsure whether I should take that moment to lift the weight from off of me, to spill a bit of that emotional bottle to postpone my regular outbursts.
I did, for about three sentences. That was about a few drops, like that would have been able to prolong my composure, but I didn't have to do the emptying, the bottle was pushed over not through my causes, but this alternate perspective that I was given. I even agreed to why it would have been done in that way, it made me feel light and fuzzy, a sort of feeling that would have been able to make me smile, but he stopped, and the activation energy had not been achieved.
This is awkward even for me, I'm developing this new form of closeness towards this friend of mine. I took time out reflecting on this whilst on the bus when I had nothing better to do. It wasn't just another person that I know of, and it wasn't just another friend of mine either. It seems to me like every other story would have told, the mistreating and hatred eventually transforming into a fondness, a predilection that I would reach out to that would make things so much easier to get to, to access.
Writing this now makes me realise another thing - this change from dislike to like, maybe because I had already liked it in the first place (And here I would have inserted a relevant Hamlet quote but I really can't be bothered), and maybe that this mistreating of me, would eventually turn out fine.
Ha! I find that hard to believe. Although it would be nice if I had an insight to Jade's mind...
This did not work well, even though people were marginally happy today it was the atmosphere in which they had casted around them that hurt me somewhat. I think, there was a more childish side to things that irritated me slightly at first, but after a while, I began to notice how it contrasted greatly against my own well-being. I must be overly monotonous and monochrome to be able to experience such highs. It's only right to be happy that others are happy, right? Then what was there to damage me so much? I mean, they've done nothing wrong, nothing that was intended to scar me, but still I felt hurt so much.
Then there was later on in the day, where I was directly criticized of "regressing" back to my old self, of keeping myself to me and me only. I thought the whole point of restarting a relationship was to reset the distance and intimacy level too between the people. Therefore these pacts are eventually broken too, right? If things were to be reset, then all introduced ideas are deleted, leaving us only the default to work on, like starting from scratch.
I listened with attention, taking everything in and I was able to hold back on my anger and disgrace of that moment of mistreatment.
"Oh it's Darren, it doesn't matter." - it's like I'm not supposed to be treated with fairness, that I don't deserve anything of merit or opportunity, chance or advantage. Why? Because I take things for granted, so it seems. Even when there had been times for me to return a favour that I truly owed, it never had been appreciated, my actions were dismissed, unnoticed and they move on as though nothing had happened. Oh, is it because that's just something that's normally expected from me? I'm doing my best, I do offer things when I have nothing to lose, but the criticism works just as well the other way - taking things for granted. I have attempted to lessen the unorthodox ways of my takings by actually giving something, even if little. This is what frustrates me.
I have spent, five whole years being altruistic, helping others out at the cost of my own well-being, aiding people I am not new to, I know these things well inside-out. Ever since the start of college I saw all this freedom, of what you could do for yourself, I had decided to take things for myself, I knew that everyone else would fight their own corner in their college lives, and by being altruistic in that environment I'll just be preyed upon. I had developed my greed for a reason, for my own well-being. Throughout my life in my old secondary school many have advised me to start living for myself or I'll become an easy pushover. I toughened up. Now it seems that people find me too competitive and now dislike me for doing what I want to do.
Swaying to the side of this topic now, I don't want to get too deep into all this. I felt hurt and most of all, I felt disappointment.
I saw things in a new perspective this afternoon, this mask that I had always worn when in front of these people today in Solihull, was quickly removed by the Adam's sheer timing of asking the right questions. Even if he had not planned to do it that way, I was surprised that he had found this opportune moment, it left me unsure whether I should take that moment to lift the weight from off of me, to spill a bit of that emotional bottle to postpone my regular outbursts.
I did, for about three sentences. That was about a few drops, like that would have been able to prolong my composure, but I didn't have to do the emptying, the bottle was pushed over not through my causes, but this alternate perspective that I was given. I even agreed to why it would have been done in that way, it made me feel light and fuzzy, a sort of feeling that would have been able to make me smile, but he stopped, and the activation energy had not been achieved.
This is awkward even for me, I'm developing this new form of closeness towards this friend of mine. I took time out reflecting on this whilst on the bus when I had nothing better to do. It wasn't just another person that I know of, and it wasn't just another friend of mine either. It seems to me like every other story would have told, the mistreating and hatred eventually transforming into a fondness, a predilection that I would reach out to that would make things so much easier to get to, to access.
Writing this now makes me realise another thing - this change from dislike to like, maybe because I had already liked it in the first place (And here I would have inserted a relevant Hamlet quote but I really can't be bothered), and maybe that this mistreating of me, would eventually turn out fine.
Ha! I find that hard to believe. Although it would be nice if I had an insight to Jade's mind...
You are making less sense than your mothers texts.
ReplyDeleteGrammar. Learn. It.
Also: screw Hamlet