I was so sure that I would end the day on a light-hearted mood, but no, there just has to be someone to dent it, not even just denting it, heavily denting it. I feel hurt, never have I been so easily pushed to my limits and today tested my composure. It's always so frustrating, to come up with something that was so fantasy-based and what would have been the idealistic world to be in, and then someone comes along to pop it, and that's it. Gone.
Endless night of crying myself to sleep, tonight may be the first in days that I won't be - simply because I've gotten so used to it now I've become immune and senseless to these things. I'm losing the ability to sympathise with myself, it's a waste of effort.
What am I doing here? For so long I've tried to do all those things I had dreamt of when I was young and to hold onto those memories close to heart, all of it comes crashing down because I failed to achieve exactly what I wanted. It's harder than it looks; the ambition never seemed that far off but it's so hard to get there.
I would love a moment where I could be free of criticism, free of anything that could bring my mood down, just so that I could be carefree for once, to let myself go. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, all I know is what I need and it's hell trying to get them.
Nihilistic some call it, I prefer the term useless. There's no use for me, why even bother anymore if it's not going to work out? I'm afraid, scared of the unknown, of what the unplanned life has in stock for me, the only factor that's fuelling me on what so many people, if not all, believe is the right path for me stick to.
My alternative option was to find a way out - I've told a few people of my dreams of how I would die, there used to be so many different ways, but now it's all narrowed down to two.
There was a reason why I made myself distant to other people, because there's no one that will agree with me on the more sensitive issues I have in mind, either that or they push it away with humour or sarcasm. This is why I feel hurt, people complain about how I don't express, yet when I want to bring on a subject, they don't want to involve themselves into it. Even if some try to, they make it so awkward and uncomfortable for me that I'm not able to express properly what I intended to.
It's a frustrating situation, the best I can hope for is... I don't know anymore.
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