Tuesday 7th December 2010

Today's been a day full of pain, where at least a thousand tissues have been wiping my nose.  It feels so sore at the moment and I don't know how to stop it other than to blow my nose dry - that just doesn't seem like a possible feat at the moment. 

I wish it'll be over by tomorrow, it would be great.  I just don't want to graze my own nose when it already is. 

Monday 6th December 2010

Ill.  So very ill.  I may have to cough my way back into health, but it hurts.  It hurts so much.  My throat's bleeding.  I can't talk, or I'll lose even more blood when I choke on every dust particle. 

Besides that, I've found myself in a situation where there are so many things that I would like in the world, but the only thing standing in my way is the fact I am unable to afford any of it.  I feel robbed of my own freedom, to have what I want in life.  This cold, it's freezing me up from the inside.  The iced fog, embedding itself into every existing alveoli, drying up the inner lining of my lung, making it so delicate that each and every cough would tear a cut. 

I feel so damaged, it's as if my heart can't hold in the coldness anymore, it's been "deep down below" all along, it's what's "at the bottom of my heart", so to say.  This trial of apathetic behaviour seems so right for me, it's like I don't even need to put in any effort. 

Maybe after when Winter hits us hard, and the warm inviting sunshine arrives beyond our horizon, I will find a different person in me.  But those chances are bleak.  There are another 3 months of Winter heading our way, I don't intend to get out of this frame of mind in a hurry.  I quite like it. 

Monday 29th November 2010

Uni life passes by, and it's not without its ups and downs.  I for one have grown accustomed to it.  I've already decided who are the studious ones, and which of those are just plain playful.  There are the quiet ones, and those who are the life of the party - there are a whole spectrum of countless types of people. 

However, I think I've also grown tired of a few things.  It's only been two months in and already I've managed to develop criticisms to some peoples' lack of motivation.  There's one particular person I'm not happy about - I'm having to be relied upon to mark him in for every register, collect notes and return home, going online, only to teach him everything the lectures had covered.  I grow tired of this.  I don't want to do this every single weekday.  It was nice for me to know that I knew it all and I can still remember everything we learnt, but this is strenuous, and unnecessary. 

I have 10 minutes to go until my lecture.  I will take my leave. 

Friday 19th November 2010

終わらない　世界の中で

咲き乱れた　最後の言葉よ

無垢に帰らない

声を枯らして叫べ

当たり前の　日常が果てる

君と太陽が死んだ日

望まない　ノイズの渦に

人知れずに飲み込まれてゆく

忘れないで　私の声を

また出会うその日まで

「君と太陽が死んだ日」 - 黒崎真音

Within this never ending world

Your last words sprung all over the place

So real and distant

Quit turning your head away

Scream that with your coarse voice

My normal days were over

On the day when you and the Sun died

I secretly get swallowed

By the spiral of noise I didn't want to hear

Don't forget what my voice sounds like

Until the day we meet again

"The Day You and the Sun Died" - Maon Kurosaki

Saturday 13th November 2010

For the entire day I thought to myself:  "I should do some work."  But when I start thinking about it, there's actually not much to do, so, self-convinced, assumed that I would have time to do it all on Sunday instead.  I know it's a bad habit, I should just do it now.  It's just the thought of having to move everything on my desk to one side so that I can get my work out, that's what puts me off, I don't want to go through all that.

With work asides, I've been left feeling hungry all this time, even straight after I've eaten.  Why does eating make me hungry?  I understand it at first but why should I feel the same way an hour after consumption is complete?

Ahh, another thing in my life I don't understand.  One day... One day...

Friday 12th November 2010

[Ctrl+Click~~~>]To Write Love On Her Arms[<~~~Ctrl+Click]


Today's a day for remembering the youth who fell prey to depression, where we write love on our arms to signify our desire to help those in need.  I speak this out of my own personal experience - a lone soul in the world who blamed he himself for the wrongdoing done upon him.  Being introduced to TWLOHA by a friend, he found his way again not long ago by realising that he was not the only one.

There have been so many other lives, unrighteously disadvantaged, ungratefully mistreated and uncontrollably saddened.  Let the deep wounds be healed by those who want to help, revitalise the emotionally exhausted and support the unstable vacillators.

Please, do this for the world, it means a lot to me.

Monday 8th November 2010

The morning was bewitched by blistering winds and hard-hitting rain, weather so harsh I feared that I would not survive.  It was cold, merciless upon those who dared to venture out, as if we were meant to perish to extinction.  I understand, however, of the harsh treatment and torture in which we endure from Mother Nature.  She thinks we need watering so that we can grow, thinking that we could do with some exercise and toughening up.  Streets  riddled with inverted umbrellas, puddles large enough to submerge pedestrians in and a Monday morning too early to be dealing with this crap.

There's nothing wrong with Solihull and Coventry really, it's just me.

Sunday 7th November 2010

The house was rid of spiders and insects today as mother raided the residence with a vacuum.  There was nothing left but dust, polluting the air like bacteria in petroleum gel.  Needless to say, this left me rather uncomfortable, as I sat in my room, with the carcinogenic air tickling my alveoli like tar suffocating smokers' lungs.  I feel unclean, that feeling of being covered in a layer of grime, with irritated eyes, resembling quasi-conjunctivitis symptoms.

If I feel this shit on a free day, I dread to think what life would be like after graduation.

Wednesday 13th October 2010

Two and a half weeks have gone by and I still feel like I'm unprepared for life at university.  It doesn't feel like I've learnt as much as I should have yet I keep convincing myself that it's all going to be fine, I'm coping with everything at the moment and it shouldn't get too out of hand when the exams come around.  

I don't know...

Sunday 10th October 2010

Ooh yay, a whole week with my trusted friend.  Let's all hope for a fun filled week this week, I don't want my life to settle down just yet, I want to be able to venture into what I hope is the unknown and encounter various people.

Ahh who do I kid, as soon as he turned up on my door, he managed to remove all negative buffs from me.  I'm just happy I have a friend who has enough mana to do that.

Tuesday 5th October 2010

With uni life now up and running I feel like I'm actually making use of my existence here in the world.  Regardless of that I still feel slightly empty on the inside.  The friends I have made long ago are now falling more and more distant.  The friends I make now, right here at the university feel more like just amicable acquaintances.  Nonetheless my upset is refrained from display and my infamous façade continues.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I feel like giving up but it seems such a waste since I've been given the opportunity to get back onto my own two feet again.

I feel like crying, but I don't know why.  I want to scream and kick and shout, but there's something holding me back.

I feel shit.

Poetry

"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded.  And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than you right hand.  It really is the most poetic thing about physics: you are all stardust.  You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren't created at the beginning of time.  They were created in the nuclear furnaces of the stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode.  So, forget Jesus.  The stars died so that you could be here today."

Lawrence Krauss

The Weather Wasn't Like It Used To...

I'm supposed to be leaving home soon, to be going to the cinema with some of my friends for the last time.  It should be good but I can't help thinking that all this wind and rain outside is all a bit... off-putting.  Ever since the country's had record breaking temperatures a few years back it seem like the sun has given up on itself and allowed the clouds to suffocate us.

I wake up every morning looking forward to the time I could have but instantly hearing the wind and rain against my bedroom window, it knocks out all the motivation and enthusiasm that I have.

*sigh*

Boredom

With just about a fortnight to go until university life officially begins, I have completely run out of things to do.  I've recently been trying to fill up the empty time by going out and seeing everyone and everything but it's all so costly.  There's got to be something that I can enjoy doing from home whilst I wait for my course to begin.

However it's not all boredom, I started my A2 Level Chinese on Saturday and I've discovered that there's another ton of vocabulary and sayings that I never knew.  Trying to fill up the days with learning solely these is tedious, you can't make my life any more monochrome.

On another note, I've begun to realise that the friends I want to see the most are the ones who I won't be able to see in the next 4-8 years of my life.  Those who are closer, location-wise, don't seem to be as warm and ambient any longer, it's like we're losing touch already.

Ahh, life.

Fed Up

I'm tired of being me.  I hate having people who want to know about me.

It only takes 5 seconds for a human being to make a first impression of you, and maybe this is where I went wrong.  Maybe I make myself look vulnerable and so people find it easier to lash out on me instead of others.  Or maybe they learn that I'm more of a person who gives little response from what I receive.

OK I'm aware that a lot of people are going through hard times, leaving few people with enough money to get by and I fully appreciate the fact that I wasn't caught up in the recession as badly as other people I know of.  But even I have to get my hands dirty and burn a hole in my account to pay off things that are my responsibility.  Yet as soon as I stop, the moment I decide that I should treat myself to a break, these people who want to know me, criticise me.

I'm trying my best, I want to get back on my own feet too.  Just that the people who are further behind, they think that I shouldn't take advantage of the fact that I'm ahead.

Being ahead has its consequences, there'll be more eyes laid upon you scrutinising the moves you make and your whole life consists of treading on thin ice.

Jealousy is what I would call it, but some would call me childish for that.  I think of it as, maybe I just happen to want more than most people, to achieve more, to aim higher.  Perhaps I work harder for what I want, work longer and faster.  All this, just so I can keep in a proportional rate of the people who aren't aiming for as much as I, and people who work a little bit more laid-back and slower.  I don't have everything, hardly anyone ever does.

It just so happens what I have is all someone else needs, but it's not enough for me to live on.

Sunday 22nd August 2010

Tiring day, killing feet.  What better way to end it than being spooned by your best friend?

Good times.

Saturday 21st August 2010

To think that September is almost already here, all of a sudden time seemed to have passed by a lot faster than experienced.  I now consider myself to possess the best of luck, all of what had been wished upon me after all those birthdays and goodbyes.  I'm able to continue life as it is supposed to happen, I have now maximized the amount of time I have left to myself by finishing education 2 years earlier.

Part of me isn't ready, but I guess it's the same part that told me college was too big for me when I first joined.  I'm looking forward to meeting new people there now, regardless of how much I dislike the oldness of the place.  It should be fun.

Thursday 19th August 2010

Like many other 18 year olds (and a few 17 year olds) I got to know whether I managed to get into a university or not.  I've been offered an unconditional to Coventry Uni so I guess my life is going ahead a lot faster than I had planned.

It's nice to know that things work out better than you had expected, because then the profit would be bigger.  I thought there would be many things to do but now thinking about it, actually I don't need to pack that much.

Oh it's nice to be able to start on something I've planned and waited for.

Saturday 7th August 2010

I don't feel as tired as I had expected today.  In fact, not tired at all.  

I suspect something...

Friday 6th August 2010

Just came back from work, a solid 10 hours and 15 minutes of work, with 15 minutes break and a 30 minute lunch.  The only thing I have left to remind me of today are my stiff joints, from having to stand all day.

It feels good to sit.  I will sit.  Just a little longer.

Thursday 5th August 2010

Headache.  Great.  Painkillers.  Even better.

Good times.

Wednesday 4th August 2010

Look, the rain is coming.  It's the only thing that I'm ever going to get.

Ahh the pleasantries.

Sunday 1st August 2010

An insomniac complaining about tiredness.  An undead yearning for life.  The dejected wanting attention.

Some things in life that don't logically add up but from my experience, I know it's possible.  It's not over yet.

Thursday 29th July 2010

I woke up.  It was raining.  You were absent. 

It was so much more exciting with you around, it made time seem more passable. 

But now there's nothing left for me to say. 

Tuesday 22nd June 2010

Today was the first day that I have witnessed a fight between my mum and my nephew from beginning to end.  And it made me think, that all of us, each and every one of us, just naturally assume that there is nothing wrong with us.  When I say that, I don't mean to include education, for we all know we can't know everything, but the way we live our lives.

It's true, that we have the freedom to do whatever we want but there's a limit to it.  I can do what I want to the the money I need for the next 5 years at university, but I can't do everything that I would like, because it interferes with everyone else and it just makes things difficult.  The constant refusal to co-operate for needs of oneself is not only selfish, but it's also disrespectful.  To say something on the lines of "you started it" is just a mere attempt to evade responsibility and ignorant of defeat.  It may be right, but it's just so shallow of a response.

Maybe this post isn't as clear as I hoped it would be, but I know for myself that there's much more that I need to do if I want to see the world be a better place.

And the End is in Sight

Just three more hours worth of exams to go, and it will all be over.  Goodbye, Italian.

Tuesday 27th April

May is also here, and so are the exams.  It's as if I'm preparing myself for failure, the fact that I refuse to want to do any work at all, like that final breath you draw before someone takes your life - you just don't want to do anything.

I've been concerned enough about chemistry, maths and psychology and there's clearly not enough time for me to cover everything within due time.  I would so like to move on in life but I fear that I might have to remain trapped in college for another two years.  I really wouldn't like to but it seems that I don't have choice, I've already landed myself in such a situation where I can't resolve the matter and so have to settle on some consolation.

But I'm used to that, taking consolations.  I mean, it's not like I deserve the actual prized achievement there is.

I'm going to pick up my maths book now in the hope that when I fail, I'll fail with a decent result.

Saturday 10th April 2010

I had my room painted last night, in the appealing colour by the name of snowfall.  It's practically white but it's got that hint of grey, creating this strong impact on me, this sense of deep thought.  I like the change, it's created more space and has sterilized all sounds confined in my domain.

It was timed well, in sync with the coming summer sun, warming that happy face of the Earth and welcoming the children out to play.  I decided to change the painting on wall to the yellow sunset that I painted for my art GCSE.  With the sun's rays beaming through my windows this late afternoon, my walls welcomed and greeted it like they had been friends since time began.  All of a sudden the room was a pale sunrise yellow and my walls seemed more than happy with the painting I had placed upon it.

But to tone down this feeling, I would like to point out my friend's constant negativity.  Of course I do just the same but I'm not here to talk about this particular point.  I would very much like to say back to him exactly what he says to me when I feel depressed but sadly I do have to keep in mind, my emotional capacity and composure is far greater than his and I doubt that he will take his own medicine lightly.  Rather, I would prefer to ignore him and continue my holiday confined to my room and my close friend who has cared to make me try his words of advice as opposed to suggesting them to me, or merely criticising me.

So here I propose a little something; I will try out suggestions and words of advice no matter how hurtful they can be so long as I can do exactly the same back whomever has told me.  I see it as fair enough of a deal as I can reason with it and that will be what I will do.

IB Exam Timetable

Haha!  I just took a look at the IB exam timetable and just noticed what the address was. 

Damned indeed. 

Wednesday 24th February 2010

Well, here I am.  18, like a grown man.  Now what?  Am I to cast myself into the real world and face the music of it all?  What benefits do I now get that I couldn't before?  Cynical I know but I'm just saying, people seemed shoked to hear that I didn't have any plans for tonight.

Well, I was going through my friend's blog and I've noticed for the last few posts it's gradually becoming more like mine (only mine perpetuates and I'm sure his depression's only spiking).  Since all the negativity has been shifted to his side of the equilibrium I thought I'd take a brighter tone today.

Yes this week has got to be one of the hardest times to go through for everyone in the IB, with all the final deadlines approaching and the panic button hit.  Once met and accomplished I'm sure some of the pressure will be off and we'll all have a little bit more room to breathe.  As for now, in my approach, I would rather get things done than to think about how messed up life is and how much of a waste it will be if we fail.

Sure, I think that to myself all the time but I guess it's easier to cope when you're introvert.  Well, I'm running out of time and I really need to be finishing my work now.  I'll be off.

Monday 22nd February 2010

There are 2 days left to go and really I don't feel much coming up.  Sure, I'll become 18, finally that day we've all been waiting for (not saying that we've all been waiting for my 18th coming of age, just the mere fact that we've all wished to be 18 at some point in our lives) will have come and passed by.  So, it's not like I'm suddenly a year older or anything, technically I've only grown a day (or night) from the day before, and the day before that and so on.  Would it be right for me to think in such a way?  If it is, I'd also like to point out that these birthdays, we humans celebrate these because it signifies that we're a year closer to the grave, or urn.  I see logic in that track of thought, whether it be twisted or not I couldn't care less.

After spending another evening confined in my 'little white room', I did a bit of intensive thinking (there wasn't much else to do).  I had realised that I have nowhere to go at all once all this is over.  Without stressing out on coursework, no preparations for exams, it leaves me with days on end with absolutely nothing to do except for a little bit more of that intensive thinking I do, as the warped person that I am.

Yeah, at the moment my life's pretty dead but I'm still sure that I've done a whole lot more than what most people have done in their lifetime - I've been around the world, to see everything my parents wanted to teach me; the intricacies of world peace, the passion of culture and tradition, the serenity of mother nature.  Bliss, beauty, ambience.  But there were also the horrors of genocides, loss of loved ones, the secrets and loneliness within the family.  Neglect, harsh, austere. 

I have seen too many things tonight, it's made me think too much.  Appreciation is what I've learnt, the mportance and significance of others, whatever their life is worth.  Yet for so many of these people they know too little about life, seeing the world on such a small scale.  It pains me to watch them go on, as if nothing's the matter.

Look at me, with all the melodrama.  It's as if I can feel things on an extreme scale, unstable and insecure.  I lack the basic knowledge these people possess, I'm drifting too far out into the shrine of imaginations.

I've seen blogs and videos today and it's made me think, there's a lot to consider.  But now I grow tired of having to pretend, that I am easily amused and strangely lively for the sake of making others think I'm fine.  "I thought it was just generic", says a friend, day 6 of Slovakia,  "I can't really imagine you with a boy or a girl" a few months later.  It just goes to prove, I've done pretty well with the acting, but now I feel like such a cheat. 

I could go on but I've only just realised, I'm coming up with more things to say here than and of my courseworks and essays.  I wish that it could have happened the other way around, my life would be so much easier.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGpUoeYbs1E

Sunday 21st February 2010

It's ok for me to actually say the harshest things about myself to myself, but what I've noticed is, any slight negativity others point out I really get agitated and it's not nice at all.  So let me settle on a course of action.  If you open your mouth to put me down, I'll shut you up.  That will be all. 

Another thing, I've become rather homesick lately, not from my home here, but from HK.  I miss the sight of the high-rise buildings, the masses of crowds that swarm the place around the clock, the constant everyday noises outside your bedroom window when you're working or just watching tv. 

Eurgh, what am I doing?  If I meet all my deadlines this week then I'm pretty much set up for clear sailing for the rest of the year.  Let's all hope I can get my life on track for once and for all. 

Thursday 19th February 2010

Ashamed of myself, really I am.  Here I am fully aware the I have an insurmountable load of work to be done for the next week and all I do is I'm telling myself that I'll do it later.

Seriously I need to consider methods of motivating myself to want to work.  After all, I need to achieve an impossible feat in order to proceed to university.

Besides that, there's not much left to say, I woke up not long ago so there's still a whole day to go through. 

Wednesday 17th February 2010

OK I take back what I said last night, things are just as depressing as ever, with the fact that I have tons of work to do to get what I need for university.

And all of a sudden, everything seems all so unachieveable and my whole life's just crashing down.  Wow, extreme or what. 

I've just gotten back from my interview at Birmingham University in the sloppy rain and the gloomy clouds and it left me quite depressed.  I just awoke from a really stuffy sleep in the car and now I'm feeling really tired, half-awake at the keyboard in this dusty room.  It's nice, isn't it?  My throat feels sticky and the feel of the air going into my lungs isn't as clear as they could have been.  Impure and stale.  Then there's that uncomfortableness of just sitting around, where your clothes don't seem to like you and it's agitating you. 

My room is dim and the light's starting to buzz, my clocks are beginning to tick louder than before and the things in my room just seem so lifeless...  It's the life I had back when I lived on the floor above my dad's restaurant and the strange thing is, I actually enjoyed it.  It's like living in the real world, with all things industrial and it's that feel of when you're out at a traditional restaurant abroad late at night, you're slightly tired and the lighting's pretty dim.  I used to like that kind of life and now I come to wonder how innocent I used to be. 

Well, I'm pretty down at the moment, maybe some encouragement could really help.  What am I doing, I have someone to turn to, that should be more than enough *sarcasm*

*sighs*  Liking your new gloves by the way xxx

Tuesday 16th February 2010

Today's one of those days where you think to yourself, it couldn't get any better and I don't mean it in a bad way either. 

It's when you find yourself so infatuated with your significant other and yet everything else is working towards your favour.  I thought that I would have to torture myself in order to get into a university and maybe I still do - the fact that I can qualify as a uni student with a minimum pass rate for IB is such a comforting idea, it's like I don't have to depress myself so much in the upcoming weeks. 

Everything today so far has been pretty easy to accept as great and I'm not used to that.  What happened to the criticism, the cynicism, the pessimism?  I've been having to force myself to see the negative things, now seeing the effect of having a relationship on both sides of he story. 

Confused?  I guess I'm in a bothered enough state to explain:

I remember when a friend of mine went into a relationship and the months after that she had never conversed with me, not even see me besides the weekly rehearsals we have on Thursdays and Fridays.  My other friend had told me he felt just the same way and had almost plunged me into his pool of neglect, but in an attempt to understand I only managed to just touch the surface of it.  I know of the anxiety it causes, the neglect, the discarding, as though there's no further use of you anymore.  That for me, was the first fist in the stomach, shutting me away in my room. 

Now, having to see everything under a different light, it's like there's nothing wrong with anything even if people sound upset and have tried to put you down for some self-comfort and ignoring their actions only make angrier. 

Now from all this, I have to admit, I think Adam's been the closest to avoiding all the problems for both sides of having a relationship.  The only issue being his unavailability but hey, he has other people to see, right?  And I may as well throw in the other issue - the "meh" attitude needs to go, far too childish and self-confined.  Already I hear Evee saying: "He's a boy!  He doesn't know how to understand people's feelings."  And what does that make me?!  Don't. 

Well, lest assured I'll be trying my best to go on life just as normal, if the relationship can spark under the current lifestyle I lead, to keep it going shouldn't mean I have to completely change it.

I can't do this, I need to end my blog in my usual way. 

My extended essay is trying to depress me as much as it can.  There's an unsurmountable load of sources I need to read and all for what?  A paragraph?  Oh the joy.  I need to prepare for my italian individual oral exam too.  Everything's just so college oriented the past few months, I really don't like it.  I think I've been to the point in life where you start thinking:  "College is beginning to get unbearable.  I want it over and I want it over now."  I just feel so fed up with this college crap I don't want to carry on with it any further.  But to move on means to finish it. 

I'll leave things on that, I'm content with knowing that I've done very little for my extended essay tonight, someone will need to motivate me in that area. 

Monday 15th February 2010

"What do you want for your birthday, really?" - to be honest, I have no idea.  I think I've come to the point in life where you have finally run out of things to want so badly.  Or is this just loss of interest? 

Well, the weekend had been a great experience, the bad thing is that it's been too short.  I would have liked to have been on the violin for that particular weekend, I would have learnt something beneficial that could possibly contribute to the rest of my life rather than "just a viola" sort of thing.  But nonetheless, I learnt a great deal about the bgger picture in general, and it's always something I've never been able to convey. 

But now coming back, I realize how much work needs to be done over this week and that fact that I have an interview soon too. 

Some birthday it's ging to turn out to be, let's hope that I remember I turn 18 this year. 

Tuesday 9th February 2010

Wow, I just coughed and broke the 7 hours of silence I just held.  It was so loud that my ears are hurting me.  Which brings to mind, in all my performing experiences, the audience always seems to cough in between movements but never [or little] during the performance. 

There was a time where I thought you know, if only I could type all this up then writing it all out wouldn't come across so tiring and time-consuming.  Now at this mometn in life, even my typing's not up to the speed I want it at.  Sure, I've been at my keyboard constantly since college life had begun and my writing skills have detriorated, but the fact that I still can't type properly annoys me just a little bit. 

There is at the moment, a lot of work to do, by/during half term.  I'm looking forward to this free timetable that I will have afterwards where I can solely revise for my exams.  Though not much time, but it's still time. 

I want to just do nothing for even a day, please.  I want it so badly - don't - I've not had a proper one since Christmas. 

Oh and Josh, thanks for the card, it's not coming with me to Manchester. 

Monday 8th February 2010

Wow, is it me, or is the end of my colege life drawing dangerously near?  No college life, no life at all.  Epic win. 

All this stuff is getting to my head too, even in italian today, where the question was asking you to write an email to university students about possibly sharing an apartment with you - I mean, how scary would that be? 

The very thought of it worries me already - I'm going to be confining myself in my little white room avoiding all things social.  That's the way to live life. 


ftw.

Sunday 7th February 2010

Well today that feeling of a lazy summer came to me and I just couldn't be bothered to do much to be honest, and I still have vlogging in mind but at the moment just trying to see what I can do if I'm doing it.  I'll need ideas, inspirations, suggestions, maybe... 

I'd like to say things are going well but that pile of work to do on my glass shelf is getting heavier and it's going to make a mess on my floor if I leave it there for too long. 

I did a little research into what kind of things people talk about, and came across thefiveawsomeguys.  It's like, each person takes their turns in getting a video up  for the weekdays in accordance to their name (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday).  Problem is, not everyone's surrounded by youtube users, are they? 

Thus I am left to ponder upon ideas once more, in hope to have something set up and going when I finish my exams. 

Fun timesssss

Saturday 8th February 2010

Yet another week has passed by and still I think it's all going a bit too fast.  There's now a pile of work to do but I'm just not in the mood for it right now.  I've lost all incentive to do anything worthwhile at the moment so I'm just going to pass time doing blogs.

Actually, it had come across my mind that I hadn'tmade much out of my Youtube account, so what can I do with it?  I went scouring the community site in search for what I could do but not much luck really.  My friend had suggested me an alternative to just typing up my blogs:  "Why no try out a vlog?  Even if it's an introuction or something small."  OK...  I haven't gotten round to that just yet solely because my microphone is of such a poor quality it's just not woth doing.

That and one othe thing - me, video?  I must be one of the deadest beings to ever exist and I was suggested to make a video?  Although, I have seen a few other friends vlogging and they come across a lot livlier online than in reality, so I guess that's all I could hope for.  Right?

...

I'm still not sure about this idea though, I mean, yeah I like the idea myself but...  let's put it this way, I don't have the confidence in doing one.

I looked up vlogs today too.  I guess I'll just leave one just here...

Wednesday 3rd February 2010

It's been a while since my last post, I jsut thought I'd like to say a few words before deciding on missing a few deadlines [supposedly] set for tomorrow. 

Anyway, I went to the Birmingham Central Library to pick up a few books that I had reserved, but realized I could only take two more out due to the books I had taken out previously.  This now presents me a dilemma; when would I ever find time again to go back and pick up the other books?  It's not like things are working out for me at the moment, oh no, everything just loves to oppose me because I'm wrong on every level. 

I'm beginning to feel the stress coming on too, there's too much to do all of a sudden and in such a short space of time.  If only people actually spread out these things to do so that I wouldn't have to force everything into a couple of days. 

And to add to that, I have a music workshop to go to.  I mean, that's a lot of time take out of my potential revision time.  I have music to do for tomorrow, and a TOK essay to draft for tomorrow.  Just to annoy me, there's a tedious italian task to do too. 

I hate my Thursdays.  I need to continue working. 

Monday 26th January 2010

Oh the date depresses me so much, as if that there's pleeentyy of time to catch on stuff.  But how the hell can I do that if whatever time I free up gets replaced with more work? 

I'm beginning to doubt whether this trip to Manchester would do me any good, unless of course I bring along all my work with me (well maybe some of it), now that would provide me with what I call the ideal working environment.  To be left there with nothing left to do when te day draws near an end. 

On the plus side, I'm becoming more organized in what I currently do and what I will do.  Regardless of whatever lowly standards people still hold of me as well as their doubts over my capabilities of being a good person, I would like to see myself through, even if it does mean for me to leave them feeling content with what they think.  Really it would be they who are missing out on a different perception not I. 

And one last thing.  My friend, we haven't spoken in a month now and I'm dreading this silence between us.  I can tell that life's going great for you but I don't want to lose someone like you.  You know as well as I, there's no one else like you out there, and it's great to have you around. 

I won't be waiting for a reply, because doing just that will be making me anxious.  I'm just going to bed.  Night all. 

And Then There Was One

It should feel strange being the only one left in school, but I feel nothing.  It's as if the day had only just begun.  Awaiting orchestra, and trying to think of what to say for my blog but as you can see, failing at it. 

I'm going.  This is beginning to bore me. 

Sunday 17th January 2010

There's no point in getting too happy anymore, because every now and then there'll always be someone or something to get you down again.  Sure it can work the other way around but I think it's worth more effort.  I wouldn't want to tire myself so that I could fulfill my needs. 

I miss my friends.  Quite.  Sure the way I've been acting recently is pretty much "it's got to be my way", I've not had the chance to think about others since my aim this year is to get into uni. 

From today's moments of nothingness, I managed to arrive to the conclusion that not everything can be approached rationally, there are things you can't quite comprehend and still you know that's exactly what it's like.  For some people, it's hard to come up with another way around solving a problem, they've been so used to rationalism it's hard to change that. 

My theory, is that reason and belief are two different paths in reaching the truth.  Via logical steps one can reach there eventually just through thinking.  Alternatively, why so much effort when people can just believe each other and get on with it?  Answer - people lie.  If such a thing hadn't been invented then the two routes to truth would have merged, the thing is, it hasn't happened and it isn't happening.  Carry on hoping, from what I can see now, it won't come. 

I leave you with this:

"We do not speak of faith that two and two are four...  We only speak of faith when we wish to substitute emotion for evidence.  The substitution of emotion for evidence is apt to lead to strife, since different groups substitue different emotions."

Bertrand Russel, 1958

Thursday 14th January 2010

I've been pretty work-oriented today, probably because there have been no distractions whatsoever.  Is hould have more days like this, where I get to cast everything aside and just not care about anything else for once.  As if I did that before.

I got all teary on the bus on my way to college, I miss him so much.  Yes, as camp as that seems he's a great person to have in your life.  I can't even bring myself to mention a name - why is that?  Well, he could be anyone - even the members of the band as they stay the night in Switzerland today. 

She was right you know, what she said back in September, it's hard to see your close ones ahead of you.  Hard being an understatement.  I so wanted to be like that, to be able to leave everything behind and go see things.  But instead I'm given this, to stay home and mourn over my possessions.

I'm feeling nostalgic today, as well as dozy, hence the scattered thoughts per paragraph.  I'm thinking back to when Josh and I were on our to the airport one winter holiday, and finding the photo for it too.  It was snowing, and we came across this tree that just began blossoming.  Now imagine that, to be in the thick white snow and the solitary, bright pink tree standing tall and proud in a Paris park.  We were making snow-angels, but now look how foolish it must have seemed.

The photo of the summer sunset with the two of us on the Eiffel Tower, it's not something you can get all the time in your life.  In this case, it was winning me over but no, I just didn't sway.  You see, moments like these that make me think it's all been worthwhile and yet I reason with myself - I think that it's the optimum moment to, suffice to say, make your move, but I really couldn't care less I would just walk away from it. 

Even these small bits of "progress" so humans like to call it, they make me think, have I just not noticed what's happening around me?  Am I really that unobservant?  It was Christmas Eve when I let my guard down.  This array of affection, a glitch so to speak, that I showed whilst drunk, just shows to what extent I had contained myself to.  December 30th too, and what a modification for me it is, to kiss someone goodbye.

I've said alot more than what I would have dared to say on a typical day.  But I'm nostalgic today, like I said.  I want to get these things from out of mind.

Now time for integration by parts and rational criticism.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

A song I've taken into mind, it's quite close to me for some reason:


The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

Wednesday 13th January

Today I reached my breaking point.  The day where I decided to just keep on going as this normal self that everyone had expected me to be, they push it.  This is a the moment in time where I find it extremely difficult to cope with, since there's now no one left to talk to wenever I feel like it.  I woke up this morning thinking that I could hold in my temper, and keep it from those who have nothing to do with it.  But even then I give up at the slightest of irritance. 

I had anticipated the atmosphere would be amiable, instead the winter coldness thought it'd be better to show my demeaning ways.  I thought, that with all the work-ethic I had gathered today, I would be bothered to catch up, only to find myself demotivated and laying on my bed. 

There are things you just can't win.  You try your best but you know it's impossible.  Why do we do this?  It's good psychology - knowing that you've made an attempt will put you at ease somewhat. 

I'm angered, yet I choose not to let anyone see of it.  You see, that's my attempt to save myself from inflicting others.  Yet there are still people who'd prefer me to flip at them, you all know me well enough - I don't do speaking on the spot.  Why?  Because whatever comes out of my mouth it gets analysed.  I can't just come up with a flawless array of sentences just like that, I need time to set up these premises. 

I've had enough.  Maybe it is time that I just pull myself together and not have anyone rubbing it in my face.  No, it is time for just that.  There's too much to do and too late, at least I can die out knowing I tried something. 

[Takes a break]

What just came to mind - these concerns people express, they were never for my sake really.  They ask so many questions and then go: "Good luck".  Again, it's good psychology - knowing that they've done their part as this supposed supportive "friend" would surely clear them of their sins and need not be purged for neglect. 

Enough of the cynical stuff, I have other matters on my mind at the moment.  One of those things I would like to point out is that I'm getting these withdrawal sypmtoms.  I want July to be here soon so I could see my friend again.  It's hard to deal with issues on my own and I really would like words of reassurance.  Just wait until uni, life couldn't be more free if it wanted to. 

Monday 11th Januray 2010

Wow I'm just so pissed off now.  I love it when these people try to beat me by these mere attempts to sidetrack me from what I'm asking them.  It's sad, all I want to do is to know what they're on about.  I mean, it's not nice when I'm not allowed in the know and left here stranded to look lost as they take pleasure in watching me struggle. 

I feel like shouting at them, swearing at them, but yet I'm still aware they're completely oblivious to that fact that I'm angered. 

[After a moment's break]

I can't do that, it's just morally wrong to do exactly what they do.  I would so long for those achievements you would get from vengeance, but I know I'm going to suffer trying to get there. 

It's time I get to bed.  There are things in my mind I want to sort out when there's not a screen in front to distract me. 

Saturday 9th January 2010

I've gone to my breaking limit.  Annoyed and frustrated with so many things that are happening right now and have been happening from last year. 

There had been no social side, it was all an illusion.  What a great imagination I must have believed in...