Monday 30th November 2009

This is one of those moments where you feel that you should be doing something but just too lazy to do it.  And I hate myself for it, truly I do.  I do it on purpose, to get something else to do [blog] and convince myself that I'm busy at the moment, that I would do it later.  It won't happen anytime soon will it?  I doubt that very much. 

Tonight's concert had been good, it's had enough people in the audience as well the time for performing, all full and proper.  I was surprised, I hadn't expected it to go on for so long and for the church to be overfilled with sepctators, nothing of a similar situation has ever happened to me before. 

I can't drag this out any longer, I really wish that I could, to get the the extra work out of the way, but there's still that reluctance to complete it all.  I think this is my new main reason for why I hate myself so much, making the wrong decisions, doing hardly working instead of working hardly. 

I mentioned new main reason, right?  Don't know why I said that, the situation now has blinded me from seeing my previous one.  I wish I could just go back in time, to keep on track during yr12 so that I don't have to panic so much and do little for this year.  I really wish I could do that.  If the chance arrives, I'm taking it. 

But it won't happen though, will it? 

Sunday 29th November 2009

I wasn't completely sure whether going to Leicester was a good thing to do, considering that it just seemed as if I was using it as something to do instead of work.  I really shouldn't do this, it's going against my moral fibres. 

Things haven't been fully satisfying over this weekend, it's left me anxious and afraid, stressed out so much to the extent that I don't know what to do anymore.  I had all the cards, and I've just played them out wrongly, recovering what I've lost out on is going to be an impossible uphill struggle. 

But noentheless, if I'm crashing out, I go out with something to be proud of.

Saturday 28th November 2009

November, gone.  Just like that. And already there's this crappy feeling I get from the oncoming Christmas.  I don't mean to say that I dislike it, just this lazy, can't be bothered sort of mood is looming over me.  I don't know what's happening, my brain's given up on trying to concentrate on things, I feel reluctant to do what's best for me.  I'm losing the will to survive on just this. 

The reason I'm still awake at this time of day this morning is solely because I'm waiting for my HDD to be formatted.  It's taken me 4 hours so far, I didn't think that my laptop would take so long in doing anything like this does. 

My eyes are getting heavier, I can no longer keep them open against their will, my physical stamina has been beaten by the tiredness that my ody has endured.  I think the same goes for my brain too. 

But moving onto another point - having an extra person at my house when I'm supposedly teaching Evee hasn't made it as awkward as I had anticipated, which is a shame, things would have gone a lot more interesting...  There were things I had realised though, the way that Adam changes his tone of voice, and composure let's not forget, it makes things go so much more subtly. 

But I'll leave things at that, I don't want to think too much on things right now, maybe one day I'll find the opportune moment to write a decent blog entry.  I think for now, I should nap for a while until this formatting is all done. 

Night to all xxx

Friday 28th November 2009

As I sat listening to the quartet play their Mendelssohn in A minor, it made me remember how I was in the last quartet I was in, and it was good.  I looked back at the things that I did in this little world of music, the amount hasn't been miniscule, and this for me was an awe. 

It makes me realise, that however much I move there are bound to be things that I will be reluctant to leave behind, even if it were a subconcious act. 

But I can't allow myself to wallow in my reminisces, at least nt now, I have new plans in place, starting with sleep. 

Thursday 26th November 2009

I can finally get a proper load of work getting going underway.  Now with a boost in morality and soon, bonus hours for sleep, this can only be good.  Yet with things moving on at a better pace, this depression still looms over me, like it has nowhere else to go. 

This habit of mine to fear for the worst, to some extent it would actually be better for me to think like that, to get things over and done with.  But like my friends have told me, it's an unhealthy way of life.  I don't see any way to prevent this from happening, how could I change these ways? 

I wouldn't want to change them, not just yet at least, for there are many other thigns that I prioritise for the sake of my future. 

It's times like these where I wish I would stop blogging, to stop me from thinking too deep into things, finding patterns in things that are just coincidentally placed.  Not saying that my posts express some sort of deep thought but for me it has enabled me to sit back and see the full picture as I outline things. 

Well, life is going just as mediocre as before, let's hope that a few more 'fine's will get me through the rest of it. 

Wednesday 25th November 2009

I had second thought about going out this evening, purely because I was fully aware that I had recieved another concern though this time from music and on top of that, music is exactly what I have first thing the next day.  Going out would mean that I would minimise time for me to actually be able to complete all of the due work for the following day. 

But it's all doable, and I will finish it all.  Some day. 

Tuesday 24th November 2009

Tried to do my maths homework in time, but instead ended up relying solely on other people's ability to do calculus - differentiation to be more specific.  I can't believe it, I may as well jsut go with my gut instinct about what I should do with each question, they seemed to be right in the first plave anyway...  How annoying. 

Well I'm going to end this day on a bright note, not much use in me going out with friends if I'm not in the mood.  I should probably go to sleep now too, or I'll be asleep throughout the movie... 

Night all xxx

Monday 23rd November 2009

I had myself actually bothered to want to do my work, but the food was ready and waiting for me; it was precisely this that had gotten me off the mood.  I hadn't worked until 7, only for it to be disrupted by The Grudge, leaving me to finishing my work at 3. 

I thought to myself, that since I don't have english on a Tuesday morning, I'd be able afford to spend an extra two hours awake, right? 

So here it is, the products of what I've done; half a page of psychology notes.  Great achievement.

Sunday 22nd November 2009

I thought that if I was ever given the chance to relearn everything, I'd not take it for granted ever again - and I still believe that I would do just the same now.  I had started my maths work thinking to myself that I could finish it tonight but found that I couldn't answer a single one of them. 

The depressing thought then came to me - if this is what's going to be like in the exam I dread to think how miserably I'd fail IB.  The sheer thought of this possibility had scared me, pushing me to the verge of tears.  OK, maybe it's because of my habit of exaggerating and fearing for the worst, but for me, at this moment in time, it's seems so real. 

I don't want to fail this, it would mean that I've wasted two years of my life, ruining my future all in all.  If I throw in the towel now, I could just go remove myself of existence. 

Time is running out, and I'm here putting my work off for the sake of posting a blog...

Saturday 21st November 2009

To think that everything would be possible, but when time arrives providing that opportunity we're never reallly that bathoered to do it.  Even when there's literally nothing left to do there's still this sense of reluctance of wanting to finish the work, most of which you would have told yourself to have done days before. 

I want to go to so many places in the near future, but the thing that sticks out to me is how much it will cost me to do it all.  Like I mentioned before, my money's gradually being drained from me and now I have very little left.  For all the effort into attempting to save up for next year, it all goes for when an occassion arrives, setting me right back to the very beginning. 

But that's enough complaining, I should watch what I say especially that now I'm not even bothering to do anyhting to try and fix all this.  I just wish things are going good for me that's all.  For me, I think it's this constant failure that I'm facing that's damagining my motivation to work.  I feel just so demoralised and empty; it's a hollow feeling.

Now for something that I promised myself a couple of days ago - to get to sleep at an earlier time.  True it's particularly late but at least it's earlier.  I must go.  

Friday 20th November 2009

New Moon is out today, hopefully I'd be able to afford to see it next Wednesday.  You can always tell when Christmas is getting nearer, only one look at the drop in your savings is enough to tell you it's begun.  Over the past two weeks, I've somehow been able to whittle my bank account to almost nothing. 

But enough of those worries, my main intention of writing today's blog is to express my concern of this state of mind I've been in lately; as if the past week hadn't been bad enough, today had pushed me to my limits.  Even though I was tired and not in the mood to physically talk to people, gloom lingered over me, depressing me even more so. 

These promises that I make to myself, I should really keep to them, and not bend them.  I should really get to bed at what people call a normal time, not earlier.  That should at least do wonders to my welfare. 

Thursday 19th November 2009

This evening had been quite laid-back, even though I am aware that I could have used this time as a chance to work on the work that's due in for next week - that was when my laziness got to me. Again.

There really isn't any point to being hard on myself, it doesn't do a great deal to get me to do what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do.  It's frustrating enough, as though that I've become immune to this constant telling off, the effect of it no longer affecting me in any way. 

There's nothing left to say here, I'm just not in the mood right now.  I'm going to bed.

2 Reviews 6 Hours

It seems pretty long to be in college for, considering that I only have 2 reviews scheduled. Been trying to come up with things to do to take up all the time that I have to myself whilst waiting for my music lesson. This isn't working well. There will eventually come a point where you've done everything you had planned to do and in the end there's nothing else left to do.

So here I am, wallowing in the midst of total boredom. I could do some more work, that way I wouldn't find myself with a barrage of constant complaints I always seem have ready at hand to launch. The thing is though, I really can't be bothered to do it. There's this sense of reluctance that deters me from doing such a thing thus leading me to a full circle.

What do I do? I'll see what time has in for me, I'll just sit and wait.

Wednesday 18th November 2009

I sat here for an entire evening, struggling to do even the simplest of maths problems.  How stupid I must feel right now, to know that I can't even do a 3 mark calculus question, it eats away at your morality.

I dislike it.

On the bright side, however, I had been pretty down on the fact that I did have a go at someone and had feared that the friendship woud have ended there and then.  After all, it is my nature to assume the worst should happen for every case possible.  It's taken a while for it to heal up, eventually to be spoken to after a break of silence, had elated me.

Whilst there were still many other problems on my mind, my upset had been lifted, and I should say, by a great amount. I had implied during the time I lost my temper, that I wouldn't take the initiative to make ammendments to this friendship any longer, that I wouldn't bother unless I get that effort back. Now, it's begun, resuming life as though none of it ever happened.

All this waing around though, has taken quite a bit of time. I come to understand this, as being the first to break the silence is often one of the worst experiences you will ever get. It makes you feel awkward and there's always the two possible outcomes; one that will relieve you from your most feared worries, and one that will make certain of doom.

There's one thing I have to thank Steven for, and let that be the thing called patience. I used to be patient once. I abandoned the idea as soon as I started college, because I came to notice that everyone was out their for their own personal gain, it was only right for me to take all and leave nothing so that I could have time to myself to consider what I need to live on. But throughout that past year, I've been trying to find a happy medium between the two, a medium that I myself would be content with. Though the search continues, following what seems an endless path, but at least it makes me believe that I'm getting clser to it. That illusion alone is enough for me.

But now, I grow tired of this fighting over things, not when it's definitely unecessary but I know I have to keep my guard, or I'll be taken advantage of.

How stupid of me, to think that I could ever be of a use for anyone.

Rethinking My Decisions

I think that there is a certain amount work to do about this piece of english coursework.  By that, I meant a great deal of work needs to be put into it.  I just started reading over it and I think that it's pretty mediocre to me.  What can I do better about it? 

I've noticed this lately, that I'm not appreciating the standard of my work, always thinking that it's not going to be good enough.  There also comes a certain point in time that I'm hard on myself, thinking how stupid of me about the way I devise my work to play ratio. 

It's getting ridiculous and I know that, trying to enforce this new schedule comes across a hell of a lot harder than I had initially thought.  Now, is only the beginning of the realisation of the amount of effort that I would need to put in, and that is exactly what I will aim to do. 

I'll get there, eventually. 

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, nor for a fact that why I wanted to do this in the first place.  I think that it's the thought that there would be so many opportunities open for me to choose.  This is what had clouded my judgement, making me blind of the fact that there would be so much work that I would have to dedicate myself to.  How much of a fool I am to do this...

Josh

I know, I know, I've already titled an entry Josh once before but hey, that was last year. 

A persistent advance onto what which rejects
Passionately embracing what does not accept
Formiddable composure though means nothing to me
Suggestible advice though nothing new

Oh the things you anticipate, what you expect from me
Could never have been better. 

I come to lower my guard, not only for you but those who follow through.  You've gone through a lot to do what you did, I really appreciate that.  How do I show that?  Well... you know better than I.

Draining My Mind Before I Go To Bed

There are times when people saying a specific something, that sparks this spur of emotions inside of you and it makes you feel funny.  This is good, it makes you realise things, those that you don't usually come up with in your daily usual life.

It gives you time, to sit back and reflect, the reasons of you own actions, to realise the consequences and outcome of that causation.  I think, we humans sway too much towards the lazy side, always seem to be put off by the very thought that putting effort into reaching something better isn't worth it if you can get it ready-made.  That's called laziness and we all have it.

There are times where you have to go and get a move on, to see the sights of wherever you go, to experience whatever life throws at you, never stopping in the middle of something only to get back to it later on.  Things you start must be finished, or you won't have learnt the whole lesson.

OK, I think I'm starting to state random things now and probably isn't going to make sense the instance I wake up and read this the second time round.  That's good, it's at least showing me my subconcious state of mind, typing up whatever keys my fingers want to press, to post things up in raw form without any thought put into it, to process it, to synthesise it.  It's raw thought at it's best, or so I believe.

The subconcious state of mind - almost a surrealstic dimension, a world full of reality's impossibilities, imaginations so vivid that they begin to leak into even the concious state of mind.  To be able to remember these dreamlike memories, to be able to recall them and use them for when your creativity requires them, I consider as one of our prized traits.

I love how my mind can get so scattered, I just recalling what I've put just then, dotting things around but never around the same point, all differing in some slight way.

I turned on the radio only just, to the sound of drum and bass.  I had forgotten the wonders and the warmth about what the radio present to me, to experience them once again, to know that it isn't the last time it will happen, can remove some of this insanity that goes through my head.

There's something else I want to say, but to add it on to the end of this note seems wrong and doesn't fit the criteria and purpose of this blog entry.  I shall make a third one for today.

Monday 16th November 2009

I've come to the conclusion that things have definitely turned for the worst.  With my ability to prioritise things it's for certain that I won't be able to pass this course at all.  Fail. 

I think, that with all this procrastinating that I've been doing for the past year, it's really getting out of hand for me and I am aware that I keep going on about this point, but I don't think I'll get the mssage just by saying it once, no.  To repeat so often that it bores the hell out of me, that is going to stay in my mind and hopefully eventually become independent of all this putting things off. 

It's interesting, the fact that I'm known for getting out of tight spots and narrow escape routes, let's see how well I manage to cheat my life out of this imminent doom. 

I look forward to this challenge. 

Sunday 15th November 2009

I couldn't help but to let myself go distracted beyong control.  I knew I had to stop, but I couldn't stop it.  I knew I couldn't go any farther, but that was exactly what I did.  There are things in this world where you just can't win it - given the specific circumstances, of course. 

I think's me but over this past weekend, there's something that's stopping me fromt thinking too intensively, as I had found out when I sat down to start working.  I couldn't focus at all, it's like I was juststaring at the words printed on the paper before me.  I could read it, but I couldn't process it and that annoyed me. 

I wish I could get out of this condition, to be able to do so much more. 

But I think my laziness speaks on behalf of my destiny, what is there worth fighting over? 

Saturday 14th November 2009

After my brief over my A Level mock results, I had decided to wander off into Birmingham, shortly after being getting a text from one of my friends.  I was off to see him and he greeted me in his usual manner, launching himself at me so that I just about manage to stay on my feet:

You feel so cold, I actually think you can't cope with it any longer.  Here, let me help.  

The one line that's made me realise that I was completely dependent on others.  I realised this as he hugged me once again but this time, showing no intention of releasing.  What was I to do?  It wouldn't have mattered anyway, for there were so many people around that it is somewhat difficult to notice, especially if there are street performers around.  


I've lost my track of thought, Josh was just trying to drag me off to somewhere.  Can't get back into the zone, maybe I'll bring it up later on in the next few days...  


Maybe. 

Friday 13th November 2009

There's a slight lift in the workload, but when I come to think about it, more and more tasks begin to dawn on me, one by one, eating away at all the time I have to myself over the weekend. 

Well, I haven't a choice, to be honest, whatever work that needs to be done must be accomplished for the deadline set, priorities to be set, placing duty before personal fulfilments.  This is what I believe, ultimately, I wouldn't care less to what people think of that, so long as it works, it's enough for me to survive. 

Now, I'm not saying as long as something gets the job done, it doesn't mean that it doesn't need to be any better or to be improved upon.  I would like to think that, if time comes for you to fully appreciate what benefits it brings to you, that is when it can do more.  For me, I do see reason behind deadlines, but the fact that people misuse this system of punishment, it deters me from wanting to do any more. 

What is this, a lack of motivation?  Slowly being demoralised by every day that passes by...  How depressing. 

Thursday 12th November 2009

I've been spending the entire night completely pressured to get my work completed.  I set my mind to doing as much work as I can.  This is the problem which I would like to complain about; just when you think that all that work that had needed to be done, they throw a whole load more and let you drown in it. 

Oh the wonders.  English coursework almost done.

Wednesday 11th Novemeber 2009

Well, wokr is lifting off, slowly but steadily and I'm happy for that.  I think that there are times were you just have to be patient and endure whatever life throws at you, even if things don't seem to end.  All I have left is a music investigation, extneded essay and english coursework to do.  They're the only additional work that I need to do, after that, I could be free... 

Aha, free?  When college still has so many months to go?  Don't be silly. 

I can feel that things are beginning to work out the way I want it to, if not immediate, then a gradual shift towards that.  From this, it's giving me hope to actually be willing to do the work I have, after all, the only thing holding me back is my laziness, nothing else. 

That's what I should do, I've set my mind to do work for so long, I haven't even started yet.  Yeah, maybe I should. 

Tuesday 10th November 2009

"hm... you in a good mood today?!" -  a realisation came to me as I began to think about it when Evee had brought this up.  There was this sense of elation and yet there was something that was keeping me in the darkest of pits.  I felt hollow inside as though there was a void.  I still feel as if everything's crashing down. 

I keep on going about the workload  have and yes in actualy fact it's a lot, but now when I'm listing these things, it's as if it's shortened in quantity, by a great deal, which alone is comforting enough. 

Having to stay up for most of the night for the sake of work, only to drop dead in the middle of doing something really isn't the way to be going about college regime, it can tire the hell out of you.  Wednesday's supposedly this free day that we have, but it seems pretty full to me, maybe because I let myself partake in too many activities, but I wouldn't like to think that. 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow nonetheless, it should hold some surprises for me, whatever they may be. 

Monday 9th November 2009

The day where I thought I was free - I have all that extra work to do.  How I love the fact that work seems to have developed a hobby in ambushing me evry now and then to remind me that that's not the last I'd hear of it. 

I can't wait until this is all over, the things I could just abandon and not think about any longer, the extremity of freedom that I could taste for the first time ever.  So many wonders that life could bring... 

But first, I'll have to pass this and for that, I will need to start slaughtering myself to get these grades. 

Sunday 8th November 2009

To my surprise, a great deal of work had been done over this weekend, and to my surprise, there's still a ton of it left to do.  It's like the dichotomy paradox - however much work I do that contributes to finishing my workload, there's still half as much to go through. 

I spent today recovering the hours of sleep I lost in the past week, hoping that I would regain sufficient energy to last me the following week.  I was wrong.  After 12 hours of sleeping, I still felt as if something was holding me down.  When I got up, my head was hit so hard I began to lose consciousness.

Nonetheless, I have recovered from all that, and now, hoping to meet tomorrow's deadlines.  I would like to have finished the majority of my work by this week, then I would be able to wind down somehow and it'll be just revision all the way...

That's not going to happen though, is it?

Saturday 7th November 2009

It's such a nice feel to actually do work in your free time, it really is.  Sad as it may seem, but it's great knowing that I'm once again working off that workload that's been piling up for so long.  It makes me think, why did I choose to procrastinate, and to leave it at such a late stage?  Now I'm here having to play catch up and learning the things that are currently being taught. 

It's not nice to complain, I know that.  For me, I think it's a newfound way for me to leak out some of this hatred I have for various things.  It's frustrating, not being able to express something in the way you want to, simply because it would impose harm to someone or something.  For now, channeling anger through second choices will have to do, I mean, it's not proving itself to be too dissatisfying. 

I want my friend.  Where is he? 

Friday 6th November 2009

I finished the concert somewhat late into the night, leaving me very little time to do the work I had promised myself to have complete by Monday.  I felt especially tired, my head beginning to whirr louder and louder for every moment that passed on my way home, to feel glad that it went as I got of the bus. 

I may have to extend more deadlines I think, just because my doubts of completing everything through the weekend is growing more and more.  I have to admit though, after my presentation it seems as if I had a lot gotten off of my shoulders, now making things so much easier to do without that burden. 

Thursday 5th November 2009

FINALLY!  There is some use to my blog after all, but probably wasn't intended on writing it out day after day for just one piece of italian homework...  Actually, maybe not today's blog entry, as I can't help but drift of to sleep. 

Once again on here, I spend another night lamenting on how tired I am and so on and so forth.

I thought that by increasing the number of hours of sleep would contribute somewhat towards regaining my energy but instead, it's taken quite the opposite effect.  I feel even more tired than I was before, so much worse off that how I had been for the past few days. 

Really, really tired...  I'm going to bed.

Wednesday 4th Novemeber 2009

It's been one of those days where you've just managed to drag yourself through the day only to get home to sit through piles of work that needs to be done the very next day. 

I don't remember much from what had happened today, only those events which were quite unexpected (the chess match, of course, how I forget the chess).  There was also the recalling of tiredness too, probably because I spend day after day talking about it that it's now become second nature to complain about lack of energy. 

What I've realised about this presentation of mine, is that it's so easy to come up with an argument for and against anything and everything, the difficult part is deciding what kind of argument it is. 

Life can drag so much when you're hating it.  I want out. 

Tuesday 3rd Novemeber 2009

Today's been a little bit on the mediocre side, I don't know about it.  I'm guessing it's all this lack of sleep that's been making me feel inadequate for college.  But nonetheless I must attend so that I can get my EMA and not to have to worry about catching up with the work I've missed.  Tuesday's a long long day, for me at least. 

Things are beginning to tire me even more by the day and my stamina can only last for so long until I drop.  Constantly drfiting off to an unconcious state of mind, with hardly anything going through my head at all throughout the day, I feel as if I'm never going to wake up again. 

But I have to, for the sake of maintaining my future.  It's become something of a fight for survival, ignoring the costs that are eating away at me in my current state.  I can't wait for this week to be over, then I'd be able to have so much more free time on my hands. 

Monday 2nd November 2009

I felt so tired today, beyond the point where I would care about anything for any longer.  I didn't want to have to do anything at all, with my mind fully occupied by my extended essay which, by sheer luck, the deadline has been extended for at least another week.  I had my theory of knowledge presentation in mind too as well as my psychology coursework and english world literature, all due supposedly by this week. 

I swore to myself that I'd get to work as soon as I got home but only to indulge myself in the conversations on msn - how easily distracted I am, how easy it is to get me away from work.  It's as if I've developed an automatic repellence to anything work related which strikes me unusual, I used to love doing all this.  Maybe, there's a lack of motivation within me now, like I have begun considering giving up on the whole course and have already subconciously starting to let go of my future plans. 

I want to get my health back up first though and let my mind think that litle bit clearer before I make certain that I don't want to do this anymore. 

Fare thee well, I depart to bed.

Sunday 1st November 2009

To hell with homework - my extended essay and theory of knowledge presentation is enough to keep me awake for days on end. 

Still, there are these teachers, they expect so much, if not too much from us; as if we're able to achieve such drastic goals, targets so extreme just because there lays a half term to do it all in.  They forget though, there are five other subjects also setting work for the half term along with the extra work I have already complained about at the begnning of my blog.  And once unable to meet these expectations, they are disappointed that we cannot meet their standards and tell us as they have told us many times before, we're not doing the minumum amount of work required. 

I think that, and maybe it varies with other people, it's not the student who is at major fault for all of this, it's the matter of teachers scheduling us overtime to do their subject's studies, assuming that everything is within capability to accomplishing. 

I'm not done ranting, but more so on here will result into a very picky me.  I withdraw the remainder of my comments on this. 

Changing the topic. 

Once again, Christmas is approaching.  I don't know what to do for it.  I have three cards made so far and that took me a month, so not sure how I'm supposed to get it done for all those I have meant to make one for.  I probably may have to put off doing them for now too, I would like to take that time out to do some catching up. 

Perhaps that one day that I will be able to let go of myself completey, and not having to worry about anything anymore.  It's one of my longing wishes, to get everything over with and finally get the chance to get away for myself. 

It could be like when I was a child, seeing snow for the first time in Alaska, wondering of nothing but where it came from...