A really confused day today, was trying to keep on top of things, which surprised me, as I could work out so many things this morning in maths.
My mind is just so empty today it's so hard to force something from out of my head to write up on here. Like I was saying, I was trying to keep on top of things, but what I had done yesterday was so overwhelmingly shocking i's left my mind blank for so long.
I need time on my own, my blog's going to be running dry for the next few days, I can't seem to focus on expressing my thoughts for now, afraid that I would say the wrong things at the wrong times.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Tuesday 29th September 2009
Could this be? This affection of Josh's has come across me quite strongly since yesterday. I understand that someone could be heartbroken when one finds out that one was being used, but this sort of reaction goes beyond that level compared to how he usually is and this puzzles me a great deal.
We were out in the middle of nowhere again this afternoon, where the sun would almost always be there, where Josh&Co. and the band would hang about, where we did so many photo shoots because of the great scenery... it was a bad choice to go there today, I decided to detach myself, not just from the particular individual[s] but from everything else too. That was when I regretted going there - he just sat there, not making a sound and from the peripheral vision that I have, his gaze was towards me.
I thought he just wanted to tackle me to the ground and squeeze the life out of me like all the other times when he does this, but I was embraced with two light arms, slowly tightening, accompanied with a soft and almost-silent sigh... Never have I experienced this with anyone or through any thought of mine, how imaginative it can be, left me in this electrifying ambiance, flutters surging down my spine leaving me immobilized, tranquilized, lost.
That's what I was. Lost. Engulfed in utter confusion, having not thought of an appropriate way to react to this newly acquainted encounter, only then was when I surrendered my deadlocked arms, to give into what I suspected to be a friend in great need by sliding my arms through from under his and resting my head on its side on his right shoulder.
We did make a pact on marking out our intimate borders once, only today it was broken and this had made me realise - Had we put up these borders because we were afraid of the unknown? Because that we would never know how to deal with these situations? Close friends getting closer, or has my soft spot gotten too big?
Actually, thinking down this direction has put me off completely from switching the topic of today's entry, I guess I'll just leave it at that.
We were out in the middle of nowhere again this afternoon, where the sun would almost always be there, where Josh&Co. and the band would hang about, where we did so many photo shoots because of the great scenery... it was a bad choice to go there today, I decided to detach myself, not just from the particular individual[s] but from everything else too. That was when I regretted going there - he just sat there, not making a sound and from the peripheral vision that I have, his gaze was towards me.
I thought he just wanted to tackle me to the ground and squeeze the life out of me like all the other times when he does this, but I was embraced with two light arms, slowly tightening, accompanied with a soft and almost-silent sigh... Never have I experienced this with anyone or through any thought of mine, how imaginative it can be, left me in this electrifying ambiance, flutters surging down my spine leaving me immobilized, tranquilized, lost.
That's what I was. Lost. Engulfed in utter confusion, having not thought of an appropriate way to react to this newly acquainted encounter, only then was when I surrendered my deadlocked arms, to give into what I suspected to be a friend in great need by sliding my arms through from under his and resting my head on its side on his right shoulder.
We did make a pact on marking out our intimate borders once, only today it was broken and this had made me realise - Had we put up these borders because we were afraid of the unknown? Because that we would never know how to deal with these situations? Close friends getting closer, or has my soft spot gotten too big?
Actually, thinking down this direction has put me off completely from switching the topic of today's entry, I guess I'll just leave it at that.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Monday 28th September 2009
Writing out that title just then made me realise; my english IOC is almost a week away, whilst there's still so much more to do. I have to postpone my homeworks, must start reading and analysing Hamlet, or I'll stand no chance in getting a 5 for the subject. A 6 would be nice, but how is that ever possible?
Stressed out - the only two words that seem to come up into my head for the past few days, it's made me angry, it's made me insane, it's made me cry hours on end. In fact, I even think the latter is getting to me now; the rush of this butterfly feeling from my stomach, slowly usurping and eventually overwhelming me with an assault of throbbing pain in my throat. However much I breathe in it hurts to feel my ribcage could not expand any farther.
It won't go away, will it? It's just going to follow me, taking the chance for whenever I don't have anything to think about, it'll be there. They're not going to leave me alone are they? I'm going to be haunted by them for the rest of my life.
从来没试过这样的，这是第一次。 够了，我不想再做了，什么都没意思，那做干什么？ 晚了，放弃它吧，做到都没人通知, 还有什么希望。。。
时间快到，我不想再留在这里抱怨不止。
Non voglio essere come questo, voglio cambiare e non seguire ideale di altre persone.
Stressed out - the only two words that seem to come up into my head for the past few days, it's made me angry, it's made me insane, it's made me cry hours on end. In fact, I even think the latter is getting to me now; the rush of this butterfly feeling from my stomach, slowly usurping and eventually overwhelming me with an assault of throbbing pain in my throat. However much I breathe in it hurts to feel my ribcage could not expand any farther.
It won't go away, will it? It's just going to follow me, taking the chance for whenever I don't have anything to think about, it'll be there. They're not going to leave me alone are they? I'm going to be haunted by them for the rest of my life.
从来没试过这样的，这是第一次。 够了，我不想再做了，什么都没意思，那做干什么？ 晚了，放弃它吧，做到都没人通知, 还有什么希望。。。
时间快到，我不想再留在这里抱怨不止。
Non voglio essere come questo, voglio cambiare e non seguire ideale di altre persone.
A Song I Take To Heart
I was listening to the song this morning as it came up on my phone, one that I've not heard in a while and it had brought me to the verge of tears. I've missed it so much, even if it had only been weeks, it felt like it was so long ago. Don't know what I'm doing here, probably just wasting my time working out lyrics, like that's something of use to me...
I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
I am nothing now, and it's been so long.
Since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope.
This time I will be listening.
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
This heart, it beats, beats for only you...
This heart, it beats, beats for only you...
This heart, it beats, beats for only you.
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you, (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours. (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
My heart is (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)...
I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
I am nothing now, and it's been so long.
Since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope.
This time I will be listening.
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
This heart, it beats, beats for only you...
This heart, it beats, beats for only you...
This heart, it beats, beats for only you.
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you, (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours. (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
My heart is (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)...
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Allow Me To Explain
You were there to see me like that
And yet you were so insensitive.
You thought that you could comfort me
But all you did was to make me hate you.
It hurts to receive what you give
And still it keeps on coming.
It doesn't change - it's all the same
And it's so unbearable.
I just wanted a companion
To stay with me until it's over.
No need for you to do something
Just watch me get back on my feet.
I'm learning too as well as you
To see how I could accept your ways.
If we both make enough progress
Then we should meet half-way through.
That's all I want, I hope that's not too much to ask.
By all means try again, please, reach out to me before I go off again.
It would do me wonders.
And yet you were so insensitive.
You thought that you could comfort me
But all you did was to make me hate you.
It hurts to receive what you give
And still it keeps on coming.
It doesn't change - it's all the same
And it's so unbearable.
I just wanted a companion
To stay with me until it's over.
No need for you to do something
Just watch me get back on my feet.
I'm learning too as well as you
To see how I could accept your ways.
If we both make enough progress
Then we should meet half-way through.
That's all I want, I hope that's not too much to ask.
By all means try again, please, reach out to me before I go off again.
It would do me wonders.
Sunday 27th September 2009
I'm not sure whether today's been good or not, a day of all sorts to be introduced, with my mind all over the place. I feel so disorganised at the moment I'm not sure where to begin.
I began in the morning, trying to decide whether to take my friend with me to my piano lesson but came to mind that it would have been slightly awkward to have him there, so instead I left him at home. I feel like I'm talking about some commodity, subverting a being like that... No, I'm developing deeper feelings of conscience for him, and it's funny how our tacitness seems to be so puzzling for everyone else.
Things are piling up once again, a lot of things to cover in such a short space of time, but I'm determined to do it all, stick it up right to the very end until I fall right down to the bottom.
I don't know what to say, it's all so much to be thinking about and it coming all at once isn't helping me figure out what to say.
I need a break.
I began in the morning, trying to decide whether to take my friend with me to my piano lesson but came to mind that it would have been slightly awkward to have him there, so instead I left him at home. I feel like I'm talking about some commodity, subverting a being like that... No, I'm developing deeper feelings of conscience for him, and it's funny how our tacitness seems to be so puzzling for everyone else.
Things are piling up once again, a lot of things to cover in such a short space of time, but I'm determined to do it all, stick it up right to the very end until I fall right down to the bottom.
I don't know what to say, it's all so much to be thinking about and it coming all at once isn't helping me figure out what to say.
I need a break.
Saturday 27th September 2009
I couldn't wait until I went out to meet Josh today, with my hopes held high I thought once I get into the mood of upsetting myself it would be easier for me to let it all out, or at least, most of it. It turns out that it was easier, without having to do all the work myself, I could get so much out within just minutes.
Indeed I had to return the favour, after the tragedy of his relationship, I decided to invite him over to wind him down a little. How depressing, to have two people comfort each other, to force ourselves into believing that it would be too much work to tell the whole story to a new person, to reintroduce everything at the risk of exhausting the purity of the emotion.
What wonders lie behind that ideal paradise, to escape from all reality, to detach oneself from the chains that hold opposites together so that you would only get one and not the other. It would be so great to be in a world like that and I don't wan to think too much about it, or my reasoning will eventually get there and begin with its process of tearing it down, with all these impossibilities crashing down on me. It'll never happen.
Indeed I had to return the favour, after the tragedy of his relationship, I decided to invite him over to wind him down a little. How depressing, to have two people comfort each other, to force ourselves into believing that it would be too much work to tell the whole story to a new person, to reintroduce everything at the risk of exhausting the purity of the emotion.
What wonders lie behind that ideal paradise, to escape from all reality, to detach oneself from the chains that hold opposites together so that you would only get one and not the other. It would be so great to be in a world like that and I don't wan to think too much about it, or my reasoning will eventually get there and begin with its process of tearing it down, with all these impossibilities crashing down on me. It'll never happen.
Friday 25th September 2009
A surprisingly light mood to be in for the end of the week, regardless of what to expect on Saturday night. I felt quite... laid-back for some reason I'm not sure why.
It's probably the fact that I know I've worked a load off before the weekend has hit me, that's probably why I feel so much lighter, with little to hold me down, very few to drag me back. I still need to be aware however, that I have yet a long long way to go until I've managed to finish everything off.
I don't know about this week, it began so stressed out and I was even prepared to let it all out on by the end of the week, now I have doubt as to whether I can get even get them out by then, it's all so soon.
There are so many things I have planned for, so many things that I hoped would happen. But as time approaches, I feel less and less prepared for it, as though that I had planned everything a little bit too early for my liking. For all these times I've always been wondering about that, but for most occasions it tends to turn out that it had been perfectly timed for when I come to do it. Maybe it's one of those in-the-moment spurs, where I feel on edge about something and deem unable to think straight. Maybe that's just it...
It's probably the fact that I know I've worked a load off before the weekend has hit me, that's probably why I feel so much lighter, with little to hold me down, very few to drag me back. I still need to be aware however, that I have yet a long long way to go until I've managed to finish everything off.
I don't know about this week, it began so stressed out and I was even prepared to let it all out on by the end of the week, now I have doubt as to whether I can get even get them out by then, it's all so soon.
There are so many things I have planned for, so many things that I hoped would happen. But as time approaches, I feel less and less prepared for it, as though that I had planned everything a little bit too early for my liking. For all these times I've always been wondering about that, but for most occasions it tends to turn out that it had been perfectly timed for when I come to do it. Maybe it's one of those in-the-moment spurs, where I feel on edge about something and deem unable to think straight. Maybe that's just it...
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Thursday 24th September 2009
A shock to my mind as soon as I found out that so many people have noticed my facebook status and me lashing out on Adam. I feel though that this is only the surface of what we do, I definitely know that in certain groups with certain people that we IB students tend to talk about someone who's not there, whether it be good or bad and it is always so discretely done that they'll never know until someone breaks it to them.
This has made me think, is this good or is it bad? I've not known this until today and it's made me wonder if there has been anything else, other than the last time of me and Ben through facebook (yet again...). I'm sure it's nothing too bad, I must be so unapproachable from the impressions I've made online that they didn't confront me with this current one but all has gotten better, I've finally distanced myself from the one I've had enough of and happily finding this medium, this balance between the two opposites so that I can be equally safe and content with either one.
I wish this Saturday will come faster, very soon, I really would like to feel this ton of god knows what lift off from my shoulders and at the same time, to comfort my friend for realising he'd been too gullible in relationships. How these hard times hit us hard, and yet we have the strength to stand up against them to this living day. After all it is our human nature, to cope, to survive, to eradicate obstacles, for every one that we encounter.
No longer shall we be beaten, no longer shall we be victimised, no longer shall we be targetted. We do not tolerate those who hold prejudices against us, nor against anyone else for that matter. That era has come to an end, time has come for change in this flawed ideal, of what should be and what should not. Our life is a gift, the world the blessing, it's time for us to accept beauty in everything from the mos likely to the least.
This has made me think, is this good or is it bad? I've not known this until today and it's made me wonder if there has been anything else, other than the last time of me and Ben through facebook (yet again...). I'm sure it's nothing too bad, I must be so unapproachable from the impressions I've made online that they didn't confront me with this current one but all has gotten better, I've finally distanced myself from the one I've had enough of and happily finding this medium, this balance between the two opposites so that I can be equally safe and content with either one.
I wish this Saturday will come faster, very soon, I really would like to feel this ton of god knows what lift off from my shoulders and at the same time, to comfort my friend for realising he'd been too gullible in relationships. How these hard times hit us hard, and yet we have the strength to stand up against them to this living day. After all it is our human nature, to cope, to survive, to eradicate obstacles, for every one that we encounter.
No longer shall we be beaten, no longer shall we be victimised, no longer shall we be targetted. We do not tolerate those who hold prejudices against us, nor against anyone else for that matter. That era has come to an end, time has come for change in this flawed ideal, of what should be and what should not. Our life is a gift, the world the blessing, it's time for us to accept beauty in everything from the mos likely to the least.
Wednesday 23rd September 2009
I feel so much at ease today, to be taken away to do workloads and then wind down with so much food, it's put me at ease, quite a lot. I found out only recently that being deprived of technological entertainment helps increase my motivation and work-ethic. I've managed to work off loads of things that need to be due - in advance, something that's hardly ever been achieved by one as such as me since college had started. Still there's a long long way to go and I need to be able to keep this up, no matter how much I go through now, wise words and I thank he who gave them to me.
I was supposed to come online for a different reason, but the urge to blog was so great that it repelled all resistance to prevent me from posting another entry. I just feel a lot lighter now, in contrast to how much thought I put into the opposing side, bipolar characteristics, no? No, I don't think I have any... This is all a distration, it will all get better sooner, whenever I deserve it most.
Time I should stop dawdling around and get ready for the next day to come. For now, I bid you all goodbye and goodnight.
I was supposed to come online for a different reason, but the urge to blog was so great that it repelled all resistance to prevent me from posting another entry. I just feel a lot lighter now, in contrast to how much thought I put into the opposing side, bipolar characteristics, no? No, I don't think I have any... This is all a distration, it will all get better sooner, whenever I deserve it most.
Time I should stop dawdling around and get ready for the next day to come. For now, I bid you all goodbye and goodnight.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Tuesday 22nd September 2009
A soon as I realised that I had an extra two hours free to myself, it disappears, where to? God knows. Whatever it was, it wasn't spent on sleep - I still had 5 hours to sleep until I got to school. The day feels so airy, so light, knowing that my time to spill will come so so soon.
I don't know about you Josh, to be having such a life and still able to pay so much attention on your old friends, to have so much time on your hands, and yet you manage to do so much better than me at my own little games. I don't know whether to envy you or to be grateful, all the time I see my own friends pass by from a starting point so much lower than my own, and to climb up so much closer to the top than I.
I'm not going to rant on about the same thing I had from last night, simply because I want to clear my mind of all stress now that I'm tired and gravitating towards my bed. I'm distracting myself by either taking it out on people or messing around with them, even if irritating them does go against how I felt yesterday, I don't know how else to manage otherwise.
The time has come for me to get my act together, to harden up against the ferocity that the cold life throws at me. The whole time I made myself believe that I was mature, I was only laid-back, never matured. Why waste free time when I could use it to work, to learn. The time has come for change, and change it shall be.
I don't know about you Josh, to be having such a life and still able to pay so much attention on your old friends, to have so much time on your hands, and yet you manage to do so much better than me at my own little games. I don't know whether to envy you or to be grateful, all the time I see my own friends pass by from a starting point so much lower than my own, and to climb up so much closer to the top than I.
I'm not going to rant on about the same thing I had from last night, simply because I want to clear my mind of all stress now that I'm tired and gravitating towards my bed. I'm distracting myself by either taking it out on people or messing around with them, even if irritating them does go against how I felt yesterday, I don't know how else to manage otherwise.
The time has come for me to get my act together, to harden up against the ferocity that the cold life throws at me. The whole time I made myself believe that I was mature, I was only laid-back, never matured. Why waste free time when I could use it to work, to learn. The time has come for change, and change it shall be.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Monday 21st September 2009
I've been somewhat easily irritated lately, to have the same person constantly come back at you with pointless remarks that you can't get around, things I can clearly see that it's wrong, but never able to find the words to properly explain it to them, and yet they seem to feel oh so content with themselves that they've had the last word. Yes it's one thing to know that you yourself is aware that the other is wrong, but the matter still bothers me somewhat.
So what's the plan? I'm just going to abandon all those that don't take me seriously, those who see me as just another person they happen to know. If they're not going to bother hanging on, then I'm going to let go. Once again I am prioritizing education above family and friends, apathetic as it may be, I think it's the best way for me to seek comfort faster. OK, I've worded that wrongly and I can see the impressions that people can get out of, but I can't think straight enough to get a clearer wording.
How typical of me to start off yet again with complaints, it seems like I always feel like writing it all down whenever I get overridden by annoyance. Is that a good thing? To be honest, in this new approach of mine, I wouldn't care less, my blog, my purpose.
Stressful times, why I left everything until Yr13 I've no clue, everything's piling up so much I'm doubting whether I have enough time to clear it all up and know it all by the end of college. I've already devoted myself to an academic life, but somehow the way I am with things even now, aren't convincing that I'm fully committed to this.
I wished that one day everything will have worked out for me, that there'll come a time where I can go without fear, worry, but yet I burden sorrow so heavily, the very foundation of my passion to strive for the better, whether it be knowledge, education or romance. The memories of my life's past are woven so intricately, to do such wonders must be dealt with in intense carefulness.
This is my aim in life, to fix what I did wrong, and only then will I be at peace, once in for all.
So what's the plan? I'm just going to abandon all those that don't take me seriously, those who see me as just another person they happen to know. If they're not going to bother hanging on, then I'm going to let go. Once again I am prioritizing education above family and friends, apathetic as it may be, I think it's the best way for me to seek comfort faster. OK, I've worded that wrongly and I can see the impressions that people can get out of, but I can't think straight enough to get a clearer wording.
How typical of me to start off yet again with complaints, it seems like I always feel like writing it all down whenever I get overridden by annoyance. Is that a good thing? To be honest, in this new approach of mine, I wouldn't care less, my blog, my purpose.
Stressful times, why I left everything until Yr13 I've no clue, everything's piling up so much I'm doubting whether I have enough time to clear it all up and know it all by the end of college. I've already devoted myself to an academic life, but somehow the way I am with things even now, aren't convincing that I'm fully committed to this.
I wished that one day everything will have worked out for me, that there'll come a time where I can go without fear, worry, but yet I burden sorrow so heavily, the very foundation of my passion to strive for the better, whether it be knowledge, education or romance. The memories of my life's past are woven so intricately, to do such wonders must be dealt with in intense carefulness.
This is my aim in life, to fix what I did wrong, and only then will I be at peace, once in for all.
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