A big surprise for me, as I wandered into the common room of Tudor Grange, there were twice as many people as there should have been - the german students have accumulated. It strikes me as interesting, in a way, it should be intriguing to see what they would do when following the IB german students around, regardless of the fact that most of them are 20 years of age.
"A chance to practice our english." they say, but seemingly less enthusiastic to attend the lessons we have, I get more of the impression they took it as a chance to take a break (wouldn't everyone if they could afford it?).
It's the first day back from an entire week of being off, waking up so early in the morning hit me so hard, I had so little energy left. I'm not used to it, instead, I kept on drifting away to my dreams where everything comforted me unlike the reality that is now, haunting me until I cower in my little corner.
It's too tiring to live like this, I've forgotten how I managed to do this in the first place.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Monday 29th June 2009
Inset day - one of those rare moments that I actually get a chance to get some sleep but no, not this time. It annoys me that whenever I get time off I've always thought that I'd be able to wind down a little yet you realise so many things that happen outside the day-to-day college life.
What struck me as awkward in the morning was this idea of putting Asda and Shaun Smith together. I went to see the opening of this infamous Asda, with an hour long performance starting at 9. For me it was more like a bigger version of Tesco and you can buy in bulk. It's not that I dislike it in any manner, it was clean, products untouched by man (hence that's why it seemed logical to head for the hygiene section first).
I had lost track of time whilst inside, having to resort to rushing myself to prepare for my rehearsal at Symphony Hall. It tired me somehow, I had to play through songs 1-18, stopping at various points to redo the sections again. By the end I was worn out, I had little energy left to play anymore. To make it worse, the choir came in, and so we "have another chance to rehearse". There was time to regain that energy afterwards, when I decieded to go and find something to eat, as I had not eaten yet in that day. All that was gained, lost in a matter of minutes as we were in to rehearse once again just before the concert.
A day that I had intended to re-energize myself, only ended up diminshing me even quicker. I look foraward to seeing the day that I would get decent rest.
What struck me as awkward in the morning was this idea of putting Asda and Shaun Smith together. I went to see the opening of this infamous Asda, with an hour long performance starting at 9. For me it was more like a bigger version of Tesco and you can buy in bulk. It's not that I dislike it in any manner, it was clean, products untouched by man (hence that's why it seemed logical to head for the hygiene section first).
I had lost track of time whilst inside, having to resort to rushing myself to prepare for my rehearsal at Symphony Hall. It tired me somehow, I had to play through songs 1-18, stopping at various points to redo the sections again. By the end I was worn out, I had little energy left to play anymore. To make it worse, the choir came in, and so we "have another chance to rehearse". There was time to regain that energy afterwards, when I decieded to go and find something to eat, as I had not eaten yet in that day. All that was gained, lost in a matter of minutes as we were in to rehearse once again just before the concert.
A day that I had intended to re-energize myself, only ended up diminshing me even quicker. I look foraward to seeing the day that I would get decent rest.
Sunday 28th June 2009
A really busy day for me, my sleep was disturbed early in the morning, so that I could get to my rehearsal. What's more, I ahd to get ready for the wedding in the afternoon too, since I had no time left to get back home.
Tired as I may have been, I still managed to embrace everything that the day held, almost optimistic, I would say.
Going back a few years, I've always thought that it was pointless in crying at weddings, I never saw the reason behind it. But this was different; a complete surprise to me, as my eyes began to water when it was my cousin's speech. Still I don't know why it happened, but it was just there and it caught me out.
It's something that needs to be self-taught, even though you currently think that it won't happen to you, just wait. One day, it will. Like the saying goes, don't count your chicks until they hatch (ok, it doesn't exactly convey the meaning I wanted to express, but it's among those lines).
Tired as I may have been, I still managed to embrace everything that the day held, almost optimistic, I would say.
Going back a few years, I've always thought that it was pointless in crying at weddings, I never saw the reason behind it. But this was different; a complete surprise to me, as my eyes began to water when it was my cousin's speech. Still I don't know why it happened, but it was just there and it caught me out.
It's something that needs to be self-taught, even though you currently think that it won't happen to you, just wait. One day, it will. Like the saying goes, don't count your chicks until they hatch (ok, it doesn't exactly convey the meaning I wanted to express, but it's among those lines).
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Saturday 27th June 2009
It's the end of the week an still I haven't managed to complete my essay, I decided to start over so many times now it's become an impossibility. The stress returning, now beginning to realise how everything's coming together all at once. I don't like it, what once was a haven now became so normal, so plain. My worries and thoughts returning, taking up the chance to haunt me for yet another day.
I'm starting to feel pressured, it's accumulating so quickly that I'd have to shut myself down. Yes it's a bit anti-social but it wouldn't really matter anyway since people are talking a lot less than they used to.
University hunting isn't going good either, I'm struggling to decide exactly what courses I should go for, it's a pain to research through what I'm looking for and it's quite difficult for me to decide on which to choose, as there are so many things I want to cover in so many various courses. I shall let time pass by on them, I hope my mind can reorganize itse;f and clear up a little.
I'm starting to feel pressured, it's accumulating so quickly that I'd have to shut myself down. Yes it's a bit anti-social but it wouldn't really matter anyway since people are talking a lot less than they used to.
University hunting isn't going good either, I'm struggling to decide exactly what courses I should go for, it's a pain to research through what I'm looking for and it's quite difficult for me to decide on which to choose, as there are so many things I want to cover in so many various courses. I shall let time pass by on them, I hope my mind can reorganize itse;f and clear up a little.
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Friday 26th June 2009
An awkward day, I'm seeing everything in a completely different light, in a way that I've never thought of before. It's been quite blue, somewhat monochrome too. I've been working on my music with sheer concentration, determined to properly play it by summertime. It's getting there, I just need to develop my fluency and then it should be fine.
Everything's all so calm, my imagination isolated by the dreaminess this weather has cast upon us. Like a drug, duping us into abolishing our anxiety with every living soul thriving on what drives us on. It's as though our atmosphere and homes are like shrines and sanctuaries, a haven for all.
There should be enough time for rest, it mustn't be distorted now given this oppurtunity to claim back the hours once lost.
Everything's all so calm, my imagination isolated by the dreaminess this weather has cast upon us. Like a drug, duping us into abolishing our anxiety with every living soul thriving on what drives us on. It's as though our atmosphere and homes are like shrines and sanctuaries, a haven for all.
There should be enough time for rest, it mustn't be distorted now given this oppurtunity to claim back the hours once lost.
Friday, 26 June 2009
Thursday 25th June 2009
I've been noticing lately, how my recent entries are becoming quite dry. I think the reason behing that is the fact that I'm finding myself having to write up yesterday's blog - it's quite challenging to recall things in such detail. Now's my chance to catch up, I have nothing else to do, I may as well.
Spiralling inwards, the scenery and panorama begins to blend into me, casting upon me this everlasting enchantment of such ambiance and tranquility. The summer's warmth, repelling me from lifting a finger, to take joy in escaping to my own world. My worries, minimized to the brink of extinction and the urge to making effort, gone.
Josh, I've come to admire you in so many ways, for so many things I look to you. It's been great to have someone know and understand where I lay, to interpret myself better than I in words. I can't imagine, how, without you, I would learn ways of expressing myself, to become more ruthless in what I want to do.
All of a sudden, I'm jolted back into what I call a room, to find my pillow soaked in tears, to see how the blinds dim the sun rays that enter through the open window. Everything now is just so yellow but still it doesn't make things brighter. Playing my keyboard, its melodies paint the undercoating of my sights, as if sound was the filling for light, they complement each other well.
How do I describe the mood I am in now? I can't find the right word, but it's somewhere in between reminiscent, sorrow, nostalgic, tingly and deep. I like it, and hope to stay like this for as long as I can.
But that's impossible, out there, people can burst its delicate membrane with the slightest clumsy laugh or shallow replies.
Spiralling inwards, the scenery and panorama begins to blend into me, casting upon me this everlasting enchantment of such ambiance and tranquility. The summer's warmth, repelling me from lifting a finger, to take joy in escaping to my own world. My worries, minimized to the brink of extinction and the urge to making effort, gone.
Josh, I've come to admire you in so many ways, for so many things I look to you. It's been great to have someone know and understand where I lay, to interpret myself better than I in words. I can't imagine, how, without you, I would learn ways of expressing myself, to become more ruthless in what I want to do.
All of a sudden, I'm jolted back into what I call a room, to find my pillow soaked in tears, to see how the blinds dim the sun rays that enter through the open window. Everything now is just so yellow but still it doesn't make things brighter. Playing my keyboard, its melodies paint the undercoating of my sights, as if sound was the filling for light, they complement each other well.
How do I describe the mood I am in now? I can't find the right word, but it's somewhere in between reminiscent, sorrow, nostalgic, tingly and deep. I like it, and hope to stay like this for as long as I can.
But that's impossible, out there, people can burst its delicate membrane with the slightest clumsy laugh or shallow replies.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Wednesday 24th June 2009
Looks can be deceiving - like today for example, I got a video call from someone who I hadn't met in real life, from what I saw from his way of writing, he seemed pretty much the average person. But hark! The voice, all so deep yet soft, it manages to throw me back - teaches me not to judge a book by its cover, even if I had looked at the cover for a few weeks.
Simultaeneously, I was scrutinizing my piano piece whilst Josh was constantly turning the lights on and off. Never has there been such a sagatic occurrence(!) Obviously he was bored, but he always is, taking enlightenment in even the smallest things is something he can pretend to do really well, quite the actor. I got him to help me out with my theory of knowledge presentation real life situation. Still got nowhere with it.
I went into Birmingham in the morning with Tham to research on our presentation, frustrating that most of the books weren't allowed to be taken out. Josh had called me, saying that he was on his way to mine - what? I wasn't prepared, I'm not even going to be home until a bit later...
Time I return to keep my guest occupied, it's going to be quite tiresome.
Simultaeneously, I was scrutinizing my piano piece whilst Josh was constantly turning the lights on and off. Never has there been such a sagatic occurrence(!) Obviously he was bored, but he always is, taking enlightenment in even the smallest things is something he can pretend to do really well, quite the actor. I got him to help me out with my theory of knowledge presentation real life situation. Still got nowhere with it.
I went into Birmingham in the morning with Tham to research on our presentation, frustrating that most of the books weren't allowed to be taken out. Josh had called me, saying that he was on his way to mine - what? I wasn't prepared, I'm not even going to be home until a bit later...
Time I return to keep my guest occupied, it's going to be quite tiresome.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Tuesday 23rd June 2009
Three days into the week and not one drop of effort into intense thinking. My extended essay has taken shape, but was never to be touched again. I have no aim for it, and until I get that, I won't be able to write any more on it. The end of the week approaches fast without warning, I'm doubting the fact that I have time to put on finishing touches onto it by Friday, there's ismply too much.
Besides that, I don't feel anything else except for the heat from the ever-glaring sun, harsh and austere, radiating the skies until nothing can live anymore. So much water has gone past these lips, lakes must have become extinct.
I've been putting a lot of things off lately, which is never a good sign, but I really don't want to get back on track to what I was doing, I want to taste the freedom that I once had many years ago, I want to relive the days where I didn't have to fend myself off all on my own. But no, I'm stuck here with my ambitions unfulfilled, having to come up with consolations and cope to live with those.
Unsatisfied you might say, it's what I'm capable of. I'm realizing that I won't be able to live up to what I had always believed in: "All or nothing."
Besides that, I don't feel anything else except for the heat from the ever-glaring sun, harsh and austere, radiating the skies until nothing can live anymore. So much water has gone past these lips, lakes must have become extinct.
I've been putting a lot of things off lately, which is never a good sign, but I really don't want to get back on track to what I was doing, I want to taste the freedom that I once had many years ago, I want to relive the days where I didn't have to fend myself off all on my own. But no, I'm stuck here with my ambitions unfulfilled, having to come up with consolations and cope to live with those.
Unsatisfied you might say, it's what I'm capable of. I'm realizing that I won't be able to live up to what I had always believed in: "All or nothing."
Monday, 22 June 2009
Monday 22nd June 2009
Today I've been looking at every piece of music I've ever played, taking 5 hours of my day. No wonder I'm hard of hearing on the left. I've developed this feel for music, how I can be absorbed so much by it, how it's beginning to dominate my actions, the way I listen to things.
Somehow, I'm beginning to put everything into a perception of music, it may sound sad but it sways me.
Something that's bothering me, materialists and freedomists, how the people of the latter category are all so malleable and adaptable to different lifestyles, how materialists are so stubborn and not open to opposing views. True that I would prefer material rather than nature, but I notice how it can blind us, making us destroy the very origins of what we are. It's sounds corny I know, it's the only way I can think of the convey what I think in words.
I need to practice, the concert must be perfect for it will be the final time they will hear me play.
Somehow, I'm beginning to put everything into a perception of music, it may sound sad but it sways me.
Something that's bothering me, materialists and freedomists, how the people of the latter category are all so malleable and adaptable to different lifestyles, how materialists are so stubborn and not open to opposing views. True that I would prefer material rather than nature, but I notice how it can blind us, making us destroy the very origins of what we are. It's sounds corny I know, it's the only way I can think of the convey what I think in words.
I need to practice, the concert must be perfect for it will be the final time they will hear me play.
Sunday 21st June 2009
I felt so so tired when I woke up, I swear I've set a goal that I'd be recovering my hours of sleep before this week happens. I was rehearsing at the music centre in the morning and then met the deputy head of my primary school. He mentioned to me that two people were leaving and asked if I would like to perform in their end of year concert. Of course I would, thye've been nothing but support to me, pointing in the direction I had asked for, helping me get to where I wanted to go rather than what others want me to do.
This news, it's taken a lt out of me, it hits me hard to see how time has moved on, and soon, they won't be here anymore, something I've been worried about for years. I must prepare something special, something that relates to saying goodbye, I need time to put thought into this.
This news, it's taken a lt out of me, it hits me hard to see how time has moved on, and soon, they won't be here anymore, something I've been worried about for years. I must prepare something special, something that relates to saying goodbye, I need time to put thought into this.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Saturday 20th June 2009
I went into Birmingham today, with the intention of buying a shirt for the wedding on Sunday 28th. But no, it was either the wrong colour scheme or it was too expensive, I shall be returning tomorrow, to have a second chance in looking for the right shirt, the offers are ending at House of Fraser tomorrow, I might go there to see what I can get.
I'm not feeling so tired, maybe because I have an extra hour of sleep. I'll have to be practising before I get to the rehearsal at the music centre. I need preparation, just having a look through at the notes isn't helping much, I can't pitch the music in my head, the rhythms are too synchopated. I must reast, I need to get up pretty early (for a Sunday) if I want time to practice.
I'm not feeling so tired, maybe because I have an extra hour of sleep. I'll have to be practising before I get to the rehearsal at the music centre. I need preparation, just having a look through at the notes isn't helping much, I can't pitch the music in my head, the rhythms are too synchopated. I must reast, I need to get up pretty early (for a Sunday) if I want time to practice.
Firday 19th June 2009
Finally, the week is at an end, This gives me time to do things at my own pace, especially with this extended essay of mine. I went to the library to get some books, it's not a surprise that there aren't that many books on fractals, usually when I mention it, people just go: "What are they?"
However I can't seem to be bothered to start reading the books. Maybe I'll do it when the actual Monday comes, where the extended essay week is supposed to have come. It's not really an entire week off, I have to get to college on Wednesday and Thursday, which I don't think it's fair, since we;ve been taken off timetable to do our essay, why arrange other things in that week...
Tired and worn out, mhhopefully I'll recover this week.
However I can't seem to be bothered to start reading the books. Maybe I'll do it when the actual Monday comes, where the extended essay week is supposed to have come. It's not really an entire week off, I have to get to college on Wednesday and Thursday, which I don't think it's fair, since we;ve been taken off timetable to do our essay, why arrange other things in that week...
Tired and worn out, mhhopefully I'll recover this week.
Friday, 19 June 2009
Thursday 18th June 2009
So little work but it takes so much time doing. I found that out with my chemistry, I didn't know it was going to take me two hours to complete it, or I would have decided on doing it earlier. If I manage to live through Friday, I've come to the conclusion that I can live through any day with whatever energy level. I'm going to end up with four hours sleep tonight and that's not good if I have orchestra on the night too.
There are things I would like to say, but I'll save them for the next time, I don't want to waste any more time staying awake.
For now, I go to bed and no one can stop me.
There are things I would like to say, but I'll save them for the next time, I don't want to waste any more time staying awake.
For now, I go to bed and no one can stop me.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Wednesday 17th June 2009
An empty day, great for when it comes to the middle of the week, this way, I don't need to strain my brain into thinking too hard, to tense myself even more as I draw nearer to the weekends. I can't wait. When Saturday approaches, I will have an entire week off to do my extende essay and that's enough time to isolate me, to cut me off from everyone else.
But no, Sundays I have orchestra rehearsals so I have to manage to wake up early enough to get there on time. Things I have once wished for, I now realised why I didn't really prefer these choices in the first place, the fact that I would never fall into place with other people.
Those who distracted me, making me laugh, are those that keep me sane. Those who are always with concern, are the ones that are reminding me of why I am this way. I don't blame them, I did the same once before.
Confused, lost and insecure, I don't know if this is good or bad. It's by time I start resting or I won't be able to have the energy to endure the rest of the week.
But no, Sundays I have orchestra rehearsals so I have to manage to wake up early enough to get there on time. Things I have once wished for, I now realised why I didn't really prefer these choices in the first place, the fact that I would never fall into place with other people.
Those who distracted me, making me laugh, are those that keep me sane. Those who are always with concern, are the ones that are reminding me of why I am this way. I don't blame them, I did the same once before.
Confused, lost and insecure, I don't know if this is good or bad. It's by time I start resting or I won't be able to have the energy to endure the rest of the week.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Tuesday 16th June 2009
The week is dragging on so slowly, I doubt that I can make it to the end. My life has had its climax, never to rise again, never able to bask in the sanctuary of security. I've gone and lived my choices, throwing away the hopes my parents held about me, a failure to their expectations.
I swear to God now is the time I should focus solely on education, to recover my losses and make decent of myself. I grew up hoping to influence people, but now I grow to fight only for myself, to survive - to keep me from what?
Some of the students have gone, which makes it easier for me to stay hidden, no one would really suspect much. Others just don't know what's happening, so I can be perfectly normal with them.
Things are going as planned, why wouldn't it when I wanted them in the first place? I had no motivation, for this I have a drive. I need to pass time, I'm going to bed.
I swear to God now is the time I should focus solely on education, to recover my losses and make decent of myself. I grew up hoping to influence people, but now I grow to fight only for myself, to survive - to keep me from what?
Some of the students have gone, which makes it easier for me to stay hidden, no one would really suspect much. Others just don't know what's happening, so I can be perfectly normal with them.
Things are going as planned, why wouldn't it when I wanted them in the first place? I had no motivation, for this I have a drive. I need to pass time, I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
No maths
So what now? I'm left on my own, to do nothing but with the intention of watching a film, but I want to go into town, hopefully to top up for some reason. The thoughts from yesterday still linger with me, but this time I'm determined that it won't drag me down - trying to adapt this idea of being optimistic, but it's painful to ignore the wrongdoings and mistakes of happenings.
Maybe it'll all celar up as the day draws to ane end.
Maybe it'll all celar up as the day draws to ane end.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Monday 15th June 2009
That's it. I have finally made a decision that I longer trust anyone, it's been broken long ago just that I managed to delude myself into thinking that everyone had still been considerate to me. I'm not so sure about what way to go, the right way or the true way. It's a big problem I'm facing at the moment, it makes me feel as though that I'm living amongst strangers.
I'm seriously considering staying over at someone else's home for a while, to be with other people I hardly know of. It seems fine, my brother won't know, he'll see it more as me taking time out with friends, just like any normal person would do. He's far too innocent to be destroyed by my suffering, as is the same applies to my nephew, surprisingly enough. But no, I will let it all out in an alienated place, so that people won't be able to dig into my issues - no one's life is worthing damaging through my causes.
What makes it worse is that my dad arrived for the first time in months. He came, hoping to stay a couple of nights before his next flight is due but mother wouldn't let him stay: "People are looking for you, they're scrutinizing my every action waiting to find you."
With this, I have no consideration in continuing with this entry.
I'm seriously considering staying over at someone else's home for a while, to be with other people I hardly know of. It seems fine, my brother won't know, he'll see it more as me taking time out with friends, just like any normal person would do. He's far too innocent to be destroyed by my suffering, as is the same applies to my nephew, surprisingly enough. But no, I will let it all out in an alienated place, so that people won't be able to dig into my issues - no one's life is worthing damaging through my causes.
What makes it worse is that my dad arrived for the first time in months. He came, hoping to stay a couple of nights before his next flight is due but mother wouldn't let him stay: "People are looking for you, they're scrutinizing my every action waiting to find you."
With this, I have no consideration in continuing with this entry.
Sunday 14th June 2009
I woke up abruptly this morning only to force myself to get ready for Leicester, my aunt came to visit and hoped to go back with us when the summer holidays start after when I return from Slovakia. I'm not flaring so well, I'm worried sick about what my chemistry teacher is going to say to me, I'm definitely going to get an earful from her, it's how she is.
As for this week, I'm going to stay in the shadows and hope I won't be noticed. I have practically two more lesson weeks in college before I can finally let down my guard a little, Extended Essay week is going to tire me out, Slovakia will tire me out when I get back and pack for the summer. For a year I've endured this lack of sleep, but no more, I will sleep wherever I go in August, and nothing can stop me. I mostly look forward to what will happen, of what excitement the future beholds, but it all seems to be ruined by the slightest negative thought, of being pessimistically realistic, spoils the very essence of enlightenment that I hoped to enjoy.
Oh well, time I keep holding myself together, it's not long until the end.
As for this week, I'm going to stay in the shadows and hope I won't be noticed. I have practically two more lesson weeks in college before I can finally let down my guard a little, Extended Essay week is going to tire me out, Slovakia will tire me out when I get back and pack for the summer. For a year I've endured this lack of sleep, but no more, I will sleep wherever I go in August, and nothing can stop me. I mostly look forward to what will happen, of what excitement the future beholds, but it all seems to be ruined by the slightest negative thought, of being pessimistically realistic, spoils the very essence of enlightenment that I hoped to enjoy.
Oh well, time I keep holding myself together, it's not long until the end.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Saturday 13th June 2009
The end of the week - it felt like I went through a whole block of time, seeming impenetrable on Sunday, now conquerable on Saturday. It tires me out even to live through one week. I'm doubting the energy I have to sustain myself for the rest of my life.
I'm beginning to feel people slip away from me, something I've been aiming for from the time I thought of withdrawing myself from the world. It has its costs though, the people I always talk to gone only to enhance my social needs but I guess it takes me back to as I was before, when I had no urge to talk to people about such meaningless subjects, to be able to focus on my own objectives.
There's a nice side to it, it gives me more time to think through things, of issues I've had over the past few weeks (of which most I have found solutions for). I look forward to the following week now, I feel as if I'm ready to endure all kinds of time, whether it will drag me or chase me, I'm interested what will happen to the changes I make.
I'm beginning to feel people slip away from me, something I've been aiming for from the time I thought of withdrawing myself from the world. It has its costs though, the people I always talk to gone only to enhance my social needs but I guess it takes me back to as I was before, when I had no urge to talk to people about such meaningless subjects, to be able to focus on my own objectives.
There's a nice side to it, it gives me more time to think through things, of issues I've had over the past few weeks (of which most I have found solutions for). I look forward to the following week now, I feel as if I'm ready to endure all kinds of time, whether it will drag me or chase me, I'm interested what will happen to the changes I make.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Friday 12th June 2009
I was listening to my entire music collection today and realised there are voices that I would love to have. Though it may sound somewhat wrong I still like certain attributes of people and wish to have it as my own, but that just makes me appreciate less of what I have but don't get me wrong, I really do like some of the things I have now.
It makes me think too, about why I do the things I do now. It's almost like a habit, acting as though I don't understand when really I either can't be bothered to think things through or that I don't want to admit I know it all already. Most of the time it seems fine for me, but there are those moments where I question myself, if I hadn't done that I would have been so much better off, but it's always my natural reactions that take control before I get to think clearly about what I'm about to do.
There are so many things that I want, so many things that I need, so many things I want to rid of, an endless list of things I would want to do, but the chance isn't coming. In that case, I'll have to force my way through it.
It makes me think too, about why I do the things I do now. It's almost like a habit, acting as though I don't understand when really I either can't be bothered to think things through or that I don't want to admit I know it all already. Most of the time it seems fine for me, but there are those moments where I question myself, if I hadn't done that I would have been so much better off, but it's always my natural reactions that take control before I get to think clearly about what I'm about to do.
There are so many things that I want, so many things that I need, so many things I want to rid of, an endless list of things I would want to do, but the chance isn't coming. In that case, I'll have to force my way through it.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Thursday 11th June 2009
Tiring myself out for no apparent reason, somehow I've been getting to sleep later than I actually intended, leaving me almost dead the next morning.
There's a lot of work to be done this week and it's really hard to keep up with all of it. Dreading parent's evening, I know most of my subjects aren't going to end up good. All the dread, I'm going to do a lot of catching up when I return to college after the summer. Hopefully by then, things will start to get better and I would have a clearer thought of how I'm going to manage my life after college.
I feel as if I can't do things as fast as all the other people in the class, with their grades so decent, mine look so petty. I should start on my maths stuff, the earlier the better, maybe I can restore things back how they were before, leaving me more time to do what I want.
There's a lot of work to be done this week and it's really hard to keep up with all of it. Dreading parent's evening, I know most of my subjects aren't going to end up good. All the dread, I'm going to do a lot of catching up when I return to college after the summer. Hopefully by then, things will start to get better and I would have a clearer thought of how I'm going to manage my life after college.
I feel as if I can't do things as fast as all the other people in the class, with their grades so decent, mine look so petty. I should start on my maths stuff, the earlier the better, maybe I can restore things back how they were before, leaving me more time to do what I want.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Wednesday 10th June 2009
A long day today for some reason, don't really know why either. To see or not to see the film - I wasn't so sure, since being ambushed by homework from italian (doomed by email) and needing something for tomorrow's mandarin A Level class, I'm slowly beginning to realise, the longer I leave it, the less time I get to sleep. But just for the moment, I don't want to bother with all the thinking, like the previous few days, taking a break from the mock exam week I've just had. But it worries me how much I need to do and it's on my conscience.
I'm hoping that sometime soon things will start changing, for the better, with the summer holidays drawing nearer, my 6 week break awaits in anticipation. I need to get ready for the concert too, weeks of preparation of my orchestra excerpts and two days preparation for the Reach Out and Touch programme. Now this I'm not worried about but it's college, I feel like I've really fallen behind on everything and now I'm struggling with remembering what I covered.
For all the worries I have now, I think I better start pulling myself together, actually start getting bothered to do things I'm disliking already, it shouldn't be that much of a drag, not if I keep putting it off. I'm going, to see if I can finish it all by midnight, if not, then I'll just have to stay up late doing it.
I'm hoping that sometime soon things will start changing, for the better, with the summer holidays drawing nearer, my 6 week break awaits in anticipation. I need to get ready for the concert too, weeks of preparation of my orchestra excerpts and two days preparation for the Reach Out and Touch programme. Now this I'm not worried about but it's college, I feel like I've really fallen behind on everything and now I'm struggling with remembering what I covered.
For all the worries I have now, I think I better start pulling myself together, actually start getting bothered to do things I'm disliking already, it shouldn't be that much of a drag, not if I keep putting it off. I'm going, to see if I can finish it all by midnight, if not, then I'll just have to stay up late doing it.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Tuesday 9th July 2009
FINALLY - with the longest day of the week drawing an end I can at last, prepare for the end of the week. It's strange, how things go so slowly when you want it to speed up, but it goes too fast when you're enjoying it. It's like time was never made to satisfy you, it was to maintain a balance between diversity, labour and health. This is a balance I'm still unfamiliar with, besides the fact that I recognised what I need less and more of, there's little oppurtunity for me to adjust these ideal changes.
It's time for me to start packing for my adventures, they're coming up all so close in such a short space of time. I realise why people wonder how I do so many things in this limited time, it surprises me how I actually get from one place to another - actually - where does the energy come from if I'm always moaning about being tired?
But putting all the time issue to one side, I have this recently: "u get A* IN ENGLISH" - msn, obviously, who'd actually speak like that *rolls eyes*. It appears to be some sort of praise, but like my depressing perceptions, I fail to accept it however it is appreciated. It's funny, how someone I had encountered years ago, turns out to be more or less how I had expected them to be, but still the attributes in which one projects, the differences between my predictions and the raw reality of it, are alarming (though they are thingsI can't quite put my finger on).
I feel tired, but when I lay down on my bed, my mind stimulates itself, reviving the activeness within. It's all geared up, not wanting to go to sleep, like a robot begging not to be switched off. It's a scary thought, but that's me, welcome to my world. Actually, don't, for your own safety.
It's time for me to start packing for my adventures, they're coming up all so close in such a short space of time. I realise why people wonder how I do so many things in this limited time, it surprises me how I actually get from one place to another - actually - where does the energy come from if I'm always moaning about being tired?
But putting all the time issue to one side, I have this recently: "u get A* IN ENGLISH" - msn, obviously, who'd actually speak like that *rolls eyes*. It appears to be some sort of praise, but like my depressing perceptions, I fail to accept it however it is appreciated. It's funny, how someone I had encountered years ago, turns out to be more or less how I had expected them to be, but still the attributes in which one projects, the differences between my predictions and the raw reality of it, are alarming (though they are thingsI can't quite put my finger on).
I feel tired, but when I lay down on my bed, my mind stimulates itself, reviving the activeness within. It's all geared up, not wanting to go to sleep, like a robot begging not to be switched off. It's a scary thought, but that's me, welcome to my world. Actually, don't, for your own safety.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Monday 8th June 2009
Revived by a great find - undoubtedly my the first ever friend I made when I moved to here, forgotten since year 6, remembered in year 12. It's been 6 long years and now I've finally come back in touch with him. It makes me realise how so much changes, in all kinds of people over these vital years and which paths we each took to get to where we are now. The pain lives on, how some are already forgotten, never to be recognised again even if we do encounter, like friendship never existed.
I found today a big help, with people going on as if nothing had happened, it really made my worries unnecessary and inconsiderate. It gave me time to re-build my emotional capacity too so that I can star as if it were the beginning. I'm isolating myself slightly for this though, or being around people will just make me fill it up even faster, but I fear it not, I know to make more space for things this time.
On another note, I got italian mock results, which didn't really turn out in my favour. OK, they're higher than everyone else's but it's obvious that mine aren't that high either. This is just about a pass in my eyes, shame on me to be putting off my italian revision like that...
I found today a big help, with people going on as if nothing had happened, it really made my worries unnecessary and inconsiderate. It gave me time to re-build my emotional capacity too so that I can star as if it were the beginning. I'm isolating myself slightly for this though, or being around people will just make me fill it up even faster, but I fear it not, I know to make more space for things this time.
On another note, I got italian mock results, which didn't really turn out in my favour. OK, they're higher than everyone else's but it's obvious that mine aren't that high either. This is just about a pass in my eyes, shame on me to be putting off my italian revision like that...
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Sunday 7th June 2009
It dawned on me as I awoke that I've not had homework for the entire past week. That means that I don't have to stress myself out and going to bed pretty late in the day (although that might be exactly what I'd do anyway). It's been an awkward day too, don't really know how I feel - my patience was tried throughout the day through my nephew's persistent questioning on many, various topics, so much that I didn't bother answering anymore.
What was more, I decided to close myself off from every other person. I locked myself away in my room for most of the day, talking to Josh (matters which don't concern anyone reading this - if any). My temperament has been bad today, knocking down my defenses, having nothing to contain myself which, for some reason, Josh seemed to be positive of. He took the chance to teach me things, of self-composure - emotional intelligence:
"A term that describes the ability, capacity, skill or (in the case of the trait EI model) a self-perceived ability, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's, of others, and of groups" - basically how well I can keep my emotions to myself and then express them properly at an appropriate time.
He suggested to me taking a few tests to see what they come up with and see if they gave any advice on how to improve my emotional quotience. It turns out that I do most of the things they say already, so a few minor changes I'm willing to try shouldn't hurt much. I'll be seeing if it works tomorrow, maybe for the rest of the year if I see positive changes. This way it's one less thing to worry about but still, my financial status is eating away at me, it feels like a candle burning at both ends.
I've not heard a word from my dad either, 4 months now and not a sign. My step-brother's lost touch too, I'm beginning to jump to conclusions but that won't do, I have no solid evidence to prove that. I was told, it has to get worse to get better, but how bad does it need to be for me so that I can put things together sometime in the future? Maybe, if I disappeared, to escape from here, that might be it, I'd have to discard of myself, withdraw myself from attention, reducing it to as little as possible and watch the people return, relieved that I'm no longer around. But it's so hard, to leave past encounters, to abandon those who've supported me.
It's a problem, but solving things is a strength of mine, I'll figure out how to do it sometime, the sooner the better.
What was more, I decided to close myself off from every other person. I locked myself away in my room for most of the day, talking to Josh (matters which don't concern anyone reading this - if any). My temperament has been bad today, knocking down my defenses, having nothing to contain myself which, for some reason, Josh seemed to be positive of. He took the chance to teach me things, of self-composure - emotional intelligence:
"A term that describes the ability, capacity, skill or (in the case of the trait EI model) a self-perceived ability, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's, of others, and of groups" - basically how well I can keep my emotions to myself and then express them properly at an appropriate time.
He suggested to me taking a few tests to see what they come up with and see if they gave any advice on how to improve my emotional quotience. It turns out that I do most of the things they say already, so a few minor changes I'm willing to try shouldn't hurt much. I'll be seeing if it works tomorrow, maybe for the rest of the year if I see positive changes. This way it's one less thing to worry about but still, my financial status is eating away at me, it feels like a candle burning at both ends.
I've not heard a word from my dad either, 4 months now and not a sign. My step-brother's lost touch too, I'm beginning to jump to conclusions but that won't do, I have no solid evidence to prove that. I was told, it has to get worse to get better, but how bad does it need to be for me so that I can put things together sometime in the future? Maybe, if I disappeared, to escape from here, that might be it, I'd have to discard of myself, withdraw myself from attention, reducing it to as little as possible and watch the people return, relieved that I'm no longer around. But it's so hard, to leave past encounters, to abandon those who've supported me.
It's a problem, but solving things is a strength of mine, I'll figure out how to do it sometime, the sooner the better.
Saturday 6th June 2009
A day of mixed thoughts, some really deep, some completely random. but I feel that nothing can alleviate me from what I'm concerned with. It's people always seem to be siding together against me, like how I can always get the wrong idea about something. To be suggested ways in which I could change to improve myself, to model me into something they'd like me to become, makes me think that I'm not that all appreciated the way I am - come to think of it, the last time I tried changing, people kept on complaining anyway so why should I bother?
On the other hand, Josh called this morning, waking me up at 0830, he asked about visiting, like most of the other times where he's usually in a crisis. It should be fine, we're both in need of a listener, and the way that each of us respond to the matter seems to cast a calming aura, healing those mental wounds. It's something to look up to, but like I would say, the good things will take care of themsevles, I'll have to go on treating the negatives.
On the other hand, Josh called this morning, waking me up at 0830, he asked about visiting, like most of the other times where he's usually in a crisis. It should be fine, we're both in need of a listener, and the way that each of us respond to the matter seems to cast a calming aura, healing those mental wounds. It's something to look up to, but like I would say, the good things will take care of themsevles, I'll have to go on treating the negatives.
Friday, 5 June 2009
Friday 5th June 2009
"What happens in Buckaroo?" - "You lose your suitcases."
It made me smile, how Adam seems to be able to say the obvious and still make it funny. For Miss Noakes too, for coming up with the blissfull randomness like she always does. Come to think of it, I think that was the only moment I was truly in a positive mood in front of people.
It felt as if many people seemed to dislike me today, my statistics teacher was being very sarcastic as I walked into the room. Sam was quite offensive in his call and doesn't seem to want to talk, Tham was obviously walking into shops on purpose to get rid of me since she had been telling that I could just leave them all the time. I've been critiqued ths evening too, mainly on the lines of: "We don't have the bowed parts so sorry if we're doing it wrong." - I have it all memorised, there's no need for the sheet to be there, and how was I supposed to know that Joe was going to be absent? I feel that today I've been a punchbag for everything and trying to make up for it, my feelings are aching.
Why do I need to be talked about too? I don't want to be mentioned, neither as a compliment or a complaint, I don't want it to happen, but doesn't anyone get it by now? Or is it that they enjoy making me uncomfortable, doing it guilt-free because they know they can get away with me not retaliating? I'm tired of being accused of something everyday, I'm tired of the endless criticism I always get. Sometimes it comes to mind, I begin to feel as if I don't add to the world, more like occupying space and interfering. I wish sometime in my near future, I'd be able to get away from everything, to some place where I'd have to start over again, to earn my reputation rather than being labelled.
Adam, thank you, Josh too, it's been nice to have people do these things.
It made me smile, how Adam seems to be able to say the obvious and still make it funny. For Miss Noakes too, for coming up with the blissfull randomness like she always does. Come to think of it, I think that was the only moment I was truly in a positive mood in front of people.
It felt as if many people seemed to dislike me today, my statistics teacher was being very sarcastic as I walked into the room. Sam was quite offensive in his call and doesn't seem to want to talk, Tham was obviously walking into shops on purpose to get rid of me since she had been telling that I could just leave them all the time. I've been critiqued ths evening too, mainly on the lines of: "We don't have the bowed parts so sorry if we're doing it wrong." - I have it all memorised, there's no need for the sheet to be there, and how was I supposed to know that Joe was going to be absent? I feel that today I've been a punchbag for everything and trying to make up for it, my feelings are aching.
Why do I need to be talked about too? I don't want to be mentioned, neither as a compliment or a complaint, I don't want it to happen, but doesn't anyone get it by now? Or is it that they enjoy making me uncomfortable, doing it guilt-free because they know they can get away with me not retaliating? I'm tired of being accused of something everyday, I'm tired of the endless criticism I always get. Sometimes it comes to mind, I begin to feel as if I don't add to the world, more like occupying space and interfering. I wish sometime in my near future, I'd be able to get away from everything, to some place where I'd have to start over again, to earn my reputation rather than being labelled.
Adam, thank you, Josh too, it's been nice to have people do these things.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Thursday 4th June 2009
I woke up early this morning, 5 minutes before my alarm went off, which was a complete surprise to me, since I hardly ever do that anymore, especially getting to bed at 0130. I should really be more prepared to take things on, but my sheer laziness just doesn't allow me to do it.
I spent an entire day taking mock exams, tiring me until I have no willingness to continue the day. But still I didn't feel like sleeping at all, no matter what I did, I could never get near the state of even yawning. Tomorrow's the final day of exams, and finally the following week can be a normal week at last and I'll finally begin to appreciate the taste of freedom once again in what the British call "summertime".
I should get to bed, I have a feeling that I will be almost dead when I wake up.
I spent an entire day taking mock exams, tiring me until I have no willingness to continue the day. But still I didn't feel like sleeping at all, no matter what I did, I could never get near the state of even yawning. Tomorrow's the final day of exams, and finally the following week can be a normal week at last and I'll finally begin to appreciate the taste of freedom once again in what the British call "summertime".
I should get to bed, I have a feeling that I will be almost dead when I wake up.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Wednesday 3rd June 2009
Today's been a good day. I found a companion to walk around Birmingham for a while and it was a change. Referring back to how I mentioned before about the church and seeing things in a different light, today has been literally that: "It is less greener than it was." - actually seeing it in a different light, the moment felt significant somehow yet I can't quite point out what it is.
Besides that, Adam's random encounter surprised me today but also kept me sane from the loneliness and emptiness of the college premises.
My head is spinning and it's beginning to ache more and more the longer I stay awake, I'm really not prepared for the exams tomorrow, I don't want to sit them, I just want to sleep. The desperation takes hold of me, the fact that I don't want to do anything anymore is overwhelming.
Besides that, Adam's random encounter surprised me today but also kept me sane from the loneliness and emptiness of the college premises.
My head is spinning and it's beginning to ache more and more the longer I stay awake, I'm really not prepared for the exams tomorrow, I don't want to sit them, I just want to sleep. The desperation takes hold of me, the fact that I don't want to do anything anymore is overwhelming.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Tuesday 2nd June 2009
Well, now that the most boring day of the week is nearing an end, I feel a lot better, but yet, there are so many exams to come. I have a free Wednesday tomorrow, that'll mean that I can sleep some more. And revise, of course *cough*
I feel physically drained but I really don't feel like going to bed, my brain's gone to that point where it's worn out but can' wind down because I've made myself too active to do so. Anothre thing, it wouldn't matter anyway, I've come to notice that the past few days I have been waking up before my alarm, even though I go to bed later than I plan. I want to go back to sleep but the warmth of the outdoors bother me so much that it makes my roomfeel stuffy - but I've opened to window all night (ok, "all night" down to the time I send sleeping isn't much).
Even though I've been trying to catch up on all the sleeping hours I had missed during college term-time during my holidays, I still feel that I haven't recovered them all. I'm still tired, I'm still slow at thinking.
I shouldn't have any tea or offee for the meantime, I feel really stressed out and my head's spinning. I go and have a shower, hopefully slightly cool or it'll make my head ring in pain.
I feel physically drained but I really don't feel like going to bed, my brain's gone to that point where it's worn out but can' wind down because I've made myself too active to do so. Anothre thing, it wouldn't matter anyway, I've come to notice that the past few days I have been waking up before my alarm, even though I go to bed later than I plan. I want to go back to sleep but the warmth of the outdoors bother me so much that it makes my roomfeel stuffy - but I've opened to window all night (ok, "all night" down to the time I send sleeping isn't much).
Even though I've been trying to catch up on all the sleeping hours I had missed during college term-time during my holidays, I still feel that I haven't recovered them all. I'm still tired, I'm still slow at thinking.
I shouldn't have any tea or offee for the meantime, I feel really stressed out and my head's spinning. I go and have a shower, hopefully slightly cool or it'll make my head ring in pain.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Monday 1st June 2009
The final half term begins, I feel that it's going to pass away really quickly, my Slovakia trip is nearing too. All these mock exams are showering onto me as if I could endure them - I can, but how well I do it depends on how prepared I am. Not very. Everything's escaping my memory, how am I supposed to answer these essay questions if I can't manage to remember the stuff I covered? Maths is going to confuse me a lot too, the formulae are escaping me, fading from my mind's existence.
There's simply too much to handle all at once and I don't even know how prepared I am to do this. A bleak future may yet set upon me, I must put up at least a struggle of resistance.
There's simply too much to handle all at once and I don't even know how prepared I am to do this. A bleak future may yet set upon me, I must put up at least a struggle of resistance.
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