Monday 26th January 2010

Oh the date depresses me so much, as if that there's pleeentyy of time to catch on stuff.  But how the hell can I do that if whatever time I free up gets replaced with more work? 

I'm beginning to doubt whether this trip to Manchester would do me any good, unless of course I bring along all my work with me (well maybe some of it), now that would provide me with what I call the ideal working environment.  To be left there with nothing left to do when te day draws near an end. 

On the plus side, I'm becoming more organized in what I currently do and what I will do.  Regardless of whatever lowly standards people still hold of me as well as their doubts over my capabilities of being a good person, I would like to see myself through, even if it does mean for me to leave them feeling content with what they think.  Really it would be they who are missing out on a different perception not I. 

And one last thing.  My friend, we haven't spoken in a month now and I'm dreading this silence between us.  I can tell that life's going great for you but I don't want to lose someone like you.  You know as well as I, there's no one else like you out there, and it's great to have you around. 

I won't be waiting for a reply, because doing just that will be making me anxious.  I'm just going to bed.  Night all. 

And Then There Was One

It should feel strange being the only one left in school, but I feel nothing.  It's as if the day had only just begun.  Awaiting orchestra, and trying to think of what to say for my blog but as you can see, failing at it. 

I'm going.  This is beginning to bore me. 

Sunday 17th January 2010

There's no point in getting too happy anymore, because every now and then there'll always be someone or something to get you down again.  Sure it can work the other way around but I think it's worth more effort.  I wouldn't want to tire myself so that I could fulfill my needs. 

I miss my friends.  Quite.  Sure the way I've been acting recently is pretty much "it's got to be my way", I've not had the chance to think about others since my aim this year is to get into uni. 

From today's moments of nothingness, I managed to arrive to the conclusion that not everything can be approached rationally, there are things you can't quite comprehend and still you know that's exactly what it's like.  For some people, it's hard to come up with another way around solving a problem, they've been so used to rationalism it's hard to change that. 

My theory, is that reason and belief are two different paths in reaching the truth.  Via logical steps one can reach there eventually just through thinking.  Alternatively, why so much effort when people can just believe each other and get on with it?  Answer - people lie.  If such a thing hadn't been invented then the two routes to truth would have merged, the thing is, it hasn't happened and it isn't happening.  Carry on hoping, from what I can see now, it won't come. 

I leave you with this:

"We do not speak of faith that two and two are four...  We only speak of faith when we wish to substitute emotion for evidence.  The substitution of emotion for evidence is apt to lead to strife, since different groups substitue different emotions."

Bertrand Russel, 1958

Thursday 14th January 2010

I've been pretty work-oriented today, probably because there have been no distractions whatsoever.  Is hould have more days like this, where I get to cast everything aside and just not care about anything else for once.  As if I did that before.

I got all teary on the bus on my way to college, I miss him so much.  Yes, as camp as that seems he's a great person to have in your life.  I can't even bring myself to mention a name - why is that?  Well, he could be anyone - even the members of the band as they stay the night in Switzerland today. 

She was right you know, what she said back in September, it's hard to see your close ones ahead of you.  Hard being an understatement.  I so wanted to be like that, to be able to leave everything behind and go see things.  But instead I'm given this, to stay home and mourn over my possessions.

I'm feeling nostalgic today, as well as dozy, hence the scattered thoughts per paragraph.  I'm thinking back to when Josh and I were on our to the airport one winter holiday, and finding the photo for it too.  It was snowing, and we came across this tree that just began blossoming.  Now imagine that, to be in the thick white snow and the solitary, bright pink tree standing tall and proud in a Paris park.  We were making snow-angels, but now look how foolish it must have seemed.

The photo of the summer sunset with the two of us on the Eiffel Tower, it's not something you can get all the time in your life.  In this case, it was winning me over but no, I just didn't sway.  You see, moments like these that make me think it's all been worthwhile and yet I reason with myself - I think that it's the optimum moment to, suffice to say, make your move, but I really couldn't care less I would just walk away from it. 

Even these small bits of "progress" so humans like to call it, they make me think, have I just not noticed what's happening around me?  Am I really that unobservant?  It was Christmas Eve when I let my guard down.  This array of affection, a glitch so to speak, that I showed whilst drunk, just shows to what extent I had contained myself to.  December 30th too, and what a modification for me it is, to kiss someone goodbye.

I've said alot more than what I would have dared to say on a typical day.  But I'm nostalgic today, like I said.  I want to get these things from out of mind.

Now time for integration by parts and rational criticism.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

A song I've taken into mind, it's quite close to me for some reason:


The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

Wednesday 13th January

Today I reached my breaking point.  The day where I decided to just keep on going as this normal self that everyone had expected me to be, they push it.  This is a the moment in time where I find it extremely difficult to cope with, since there's now no one left to talk to wenever I feel like it.  I woke up this morning thinking that I could hold in my temper, and keep it from those who have nothing to do with it.  But even then I give up at the slightest of irritance. 

I had anticipated the atmosphere would be amiable, instead the winter coldness thought it'd be better to show my demeaning ways.  I thought, that with all the work-ethic I had gathered today, I would be bothered to catch up, only to find myself demotivated and laying on my bed. 

There are things you just can't win.  You try your best but you know it's impossible.  Why do we do this?  It's good psychology - knowing that you've made an attempt will put you at ease somewhat. 

I'm angered, yet I choose not to let anyone see of it.  You see, that's my attempt to save myself from inflicting others.  Yet there are still people who'd prefer me to flip at them, you all know me well enough - I don't do speaking on the spot.  Why?  Because whatever comes out of my mouth it gets analysed.  I can't just come up with a flawless array of sentences just like that, I need time to set up these premises. 

I've had enough.  Maybe it is time that I just pull myself together and not have anyone rubbing it in my face.  No, it is time for just that.  There's too much to do and too late, at least I can die out knowing I tried something. 

[Takes a break]

What just came to mind - these concerns people express, they were never for my sake really.  They ask so many questions and then go: "Good luck".  Again, it's good psychology - knowing that they've done their part as this supposed supportive "friend" would surely clear them of their sins and need not be purged for neglect. 

Enough of the cynical stuff, I have other matters on my mind at the moment.  One of those things I would like to point out is that I'm getting these withdrawal sypmtoms.  I want July to be here soon so I could see my friend again.  It's hard to deal with issues on my own and I really would like words of reassurance.  Just wait until uni, life couldn't be more free if it wanted to. 

Monday 11th Januray 2010

Wow I'm just so pissed off now.  I love it when these people try to beat me by these mere attempts to sidetrack me from what I'm asking them.  It's sad, all I want to do is to know what they're on about.  I mean, it's not nice when I'm not allowed in the know and left here stranded to look lost as they take pleasure in watching me struggle. 

I feel like shouting at them, swearing at them, but yet I'm still aware they're completely oblivious to that fact that I'm angered. 

[After a moment's break]

I can't do that, it's just morally wrong to do exactly what they do.  I would so long for those achievements you would get from vengeance, but I know I'm going to suffer trying to get there. 

It's time I get to bed.  There are things in my mind I want to sort out when there's not a screen in front to distract me. 

Saturday 9th January 2010

I've gone to my breaking limit.  Annoyed and frustrated with so many things that are happening right now and have been happening from last year. 

There had been no social side, it was all an illusion.  What a great imagination I must have believed in...