One thing the differences between college and secondary school depicted - level of trust. I remember I used to be the one who kept to his word, with all honesty and still able to mess around. A fully trusted person who could still wreck havoc amongst the angels. All that's gone, college seems more... stereotypical. There's only one side people can see you from, if there are more than one side, then it's always the similar sides that people see, they never really consider other traits one could maintain simply because they cannot imagine them as that.
I may be complaining now, but I think it's because I never got the chance to know the what other people think, to know that they do actually wonder if someone has a hidden side to them and I can't really argue against that point.
"It's not untrustful, just unreliable." - Oh sure, then what's the point in trusting me with you can't rely on putting a level of trust on me?
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Sunday 31st May 2009
The final day of freedom I get to taste until the exams begin to rain on me and suffocate me. I sharpen my pencil, hoping to pierce which papers will face me, I brandish my pen to amaze the opposition with my ability to awe, I prepare my pitfall trap the eraser, so the null marks don't know what's coming. I'm ready for my failure. Bring it on.
I have music, english and italian tomorrow, but I have a feeling music won't be until Thursday. For two of them I am fully prepared to take on, music however... The music study is really difficult to grasp. My worries are rallying in my heart, overcoming the overwhelming sadness which had once occupied my mind, defeating the once usurped enlightenment that escorted me through my memories.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold, for you shall become witnesses of a great plunder of a man who fought courageously against the harsh, cruel world, to outsmart, to flaw the perfection of the complex matters of life by attempting to go full throttle in all absolutes rather than the happy mediums.
This is not the way to go, my experience tells me, it only leads to an imminent, impending doom which has haunted me all this time. I bid thee farewell.
I have music, english and italian tomorrow, but I have a feeling music won't be until Thursday. For two of them I am fully prepared to take on, music however... The music study is really difficult to grasp. My worries are rallying in my heart, overcoming the overwhelming sadness which had once occupied my mind, defeating the once usurped enlightenment that escorted me through my memories.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold, for you shall become witnesses of a great plunder of a man who fought courageously against the harsh, cruel world, to outsmart, to flaw the perfection of the complex matters of life by attempting to go full throttle in all absolutes rather than the happy mediums.
This is not the way to go, my experience tells me, it only leads to an imminent, impending doom which has haunted me all this time. I bid thee farewell.
Saturday 30th May 2009
Beginning to feel the guilt and desparation of revising, even though I have done a little, it's not been much. I fear for what horrors Monday will hold for me, I'm predicting that my music mock exam will be a failure. There's this atmosphere that's been created by the weather and it's getting me, it's making my mind all stuffy and I feel stressed out for no apparent reason.
But besides all that, I did manage to find a happy medium bewteen arguing and agreeing with my nephew. I realized that I can't let him loose too freely nor can I tell him off so frequently (or I'll just get invalid responses back from him). So whenever he accuses me of something, I'd go along with it, leaving him nowhere else to go to. apart from repeating it over and over again.
It's been an unusual week, one that I'm unfamiliar to, maybe because it had been a long time since I've been through this - it's nice to do next to nothing for a whole week.
But besides all that, I did manage to find a happy medium bewteen arguing and agreeing with my nephew. I realized that I can't let him loose too freely nor can I tell him off so frequently (or I'll just get invalid responses back from him). So whenever he accuses me of something, I'd go along with it, leaving him nowhere else to go to. apart from repeating it over and over again.
It's been an unusual week, one that I'm unfamiliar to, maybe because it had been a long time since I've been through this - it's nice to do next to nothing for a whole week.
Friday, 29 May 2009
Friday 29th May 2009
Haha! I have company, but first, I'd like to take this oppurtunity to apologize to you, Josh, for giving you an earful about what I was thinking in the past week. All of a sudden, my day was filled up leaving no empty space behind. I'm starting to think about where to live too, of course, I'll need help with the payment, and whom better to ask than he? It's been good, I spent all day thinking about starting revision, I only have the weekends left now =/
Slowly, I've begun to realize that I'm beginning to find out which side I should stay on certain people, I've become more aware of how to think and behave around each person. It's not that I haven't been doing it before, it's rather the feelings being stronger. Lessons in life, something that's getting to me in the past week, a lot of things I've learnt can be used in my own lifestyle, what to do and what not to do.
Another thing that's been getting to me, it might be me, or that it really is happening, I'm seeing Josh in a new light - rather than the "sensitive hedonist" oxymoron I tend to use, he seems to me a more vibrant person, and it takes me some getting used to.
Slowly, I've begun to realize that I'm beginning to find out which side I should stay on certain people, I've become more aware of how to think and behave around each person. It's not that I haven't been doing it before, it's rather the feelings being stronger. Lessons in life, something that's getting to me in the past week, a lot of things I've learnt can be used in my own lifestyle, what to do and what not to do.
Another thing that's been getting to me, it might be me, or that it really is happening, I'm seeing Josh in a new light - rather than the "sensitive hedonist" oxymoron I tend to use, he seems to me a more vibrant person, and it takes me some getting used to.
Thursday 28th May 2009
Was woken up abruptly by the sound of mother yelling at the bottom of stairs, I felt like everything was taken out of me this morning, I didn't have the energy to stand on my own feet. There was an unexpected visit to Birmingham today, as my uncle was in town to stock up for his store in Leicester, he had decided to invite us out to eat. Upon arrival, little did expect my arch nemesis to be there - the dreaded aunt. I had forgotten that she came to England to see her son (my cousin), so this threw me off guard with little effort. And to think she purposely booked a plane ticket on the same plane and date as the one I had to get back to HK, this takes some dedication, destroying me like this.
I spent the whole afternoon contemplating whether I should start revision for my college mock exams ("tests", as Martin likes to call them...), but really, I felt no motivation in doing so, but the guilt of me not doing it lingers with me, the fact that I would have to do even more over the weekend, it tires me even more and repels me from wanting to do any work. So I compromised a little, I started to read all my poems for english whilst listening to Purcell and Haydn. It's not much work done, but at least I get to familiarize myself with english and music.
It might have been me, but I felt hungry, all the time, regardless that I went out to eat a £255.90 lunch (Yes, I paid for it, teaches me not to partake of these traditions too passionately, my account is nearing 0 by the minute). I've been constantly eating, always raiding my kitchen food storages for anything edible, but I had eaten most of it the day before.
The half term is nearing an end. The closer the school term is, the more I begin to feel that I miss being with quite a lot of people:
I spent the whole afternoon contemplating whether I should start revision for my college mock exams ("tests", as Martin likes to call them...), but really, I felt no motivation in doing so, but the guilt of me not doing it lingers with me, the fact that I would have to do even more over the weekend, it tires me even more and repels me from wanting to do any work. So I compromised a little, I started to read all my poems for english whilst listening to Purcell and Haydn. It's not much work done, but at least I get to familiarize myself with english and music.
It might have been me, but I felt hungry, all the time, regardless that I went out to eat a £255.90 lunch (Yes, I paid for it, teaches me not to partake of these traditions too passionately, my account is nearing 0 by the minute). I've been constantly eating, always raiding my kitchen food storages for anything edible, but I had eaten most of it the day before.
The half term is nearing an end. The closer the school term is, the more I begin to feel that I miss being with quite a lot of people:
- Josh - I've not seen him all week now and it's really frustrating me, I need a careful listener to ease away my memories.
- Jack - Hard times he's going through, yet he's not made contact at all.
- Adam (G) - I miss his dopey comments, I can't laugh at him otherwise.
- Ben - I need my homework done, why is he not on msn?
- Rhys - I need my support, but he's disappeared from all forms of contact.
- Adam (JB) - For times when I really need to laugh at something completely unrelated to what's happening in the current time.
- Tham - To have someone there to object to almost everything I say, it gets boring when every thing's too agreeable, but then again... not too much objection would be nice.
- Evee - Just someone to stray off topic in conversations so that I can get completely lost in what I'm doing.
- Steven - I miss the childish rows we have about anything, I miss the juvenile things we do.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Wednesday 29th May 2009
I went out this morning into Birmingham, my brother ran out of books to read, so we thought we'd nose around Waterstones for while. They have a 3 for 2 offer on all books there, so i decided to get one for myself. It's a biography by Lang Lang: "Journey of a Thousand Miles". Its literature is really effective, graphic. I could use it, it'll give me ways to actually put things into words in such a way. Also, from reading the first few pages, it's really understandable for me, it seems like the typical life I had minus the music.
Afterwards, we headed off to the market to see what was more affordable since it was nearing closing time. I liked the stall owner - he hand the apples to my brother, the peaches to my nephew and all the rest to me. It's a good thing, enables children to take up more responsibility, it's good psychology. If there were actually more people like that, then I think the world would be a lot better off, a place where people were thoughtful of those who spend their time caring for others.
But it's not the case now, is it? It's never like this now, I've realized soon enough that you'd have to be greedy to stand a chance in what you want to do good in.
Afterwards, we headed off to the market to see what was more affordable since it was nearing closing time. I liked the stall owner - he hand the apples to my brother, the peaches to my nephew and all the rest to me. It's a good thing, enables children to take up more responsibility, it's good psychology. If there were actually more people like that, then I think the world would be a lot better off, a place where people were thoughtful of those who spend their time caring for others.
But it's not the case now, is it? It's never like this now, I've realized soon enough that you'd have to be greedy to stand a chance in what you want to do good in.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Tuesday 26th May 2009
Nothing happened much, therefore nothing much to say. I was beginning to see, that my nephew is changing somewhat. Not only his voice is breaking, it's his behaviour too. He's getting more temperament and is beginning to answer back a lot more - all the time, even.
But never fear, you'll just have to respond in the same way and he'll freak out himself. Either that or you agree with everything he says, then that should lead to a dead end. They're good tactics for handling people like him, I feel like I've learnt a lot about behavioural changes, I'll just need to keep these things in mind and be on guard, he's never fully asleep.
But never fear, you'll just have to respond in the same way and he'll freak out himself. Either that or you agree with everything he says, then that should lead to a dead end. They're good tactics for handling people like him, I feel like I've learnt a lot about behavioural changes, I'll just need to keep these things in mind and be on guard, he's never fully asleep.
Monday 25th May 2009
I know I know, it's way past midnight and I'm writing yesterday's entry, but hey, I got lost in my own little world of surreal imaginations. I was tutoring today (technically yesterday but you know what I mean) and it was a great distraction from my own thoughts. That's the downfall of my holidays, I always get too much time on my hands to start wandering off into my own thoughts, to experiment with any new approaches to things I do, to see what I can get out of it.
I decided to see what I sounded like on my violin, by recording myself - now I know that it does sound slightly differently and so I shoudln't sound as horrific as to what I hear. Terrible. I could hear so many things that were wrong about my playing, not in tune and the rhythm was looser than I had thought I was playing.
I've been doing a lot of self-criticism today, it's just one of those moods where I go around and never appreciate much about my own things. I should get to bed, I've been getting to sleep quite late since the holidays have started, really. I'll just stop writing now...
I decided to see what I sounded like on my violin, by recording myself - now I know that it does sound slightly differently and so I shoudln't sound as horrific as to what I hear. Terrible. I could hear so many things that were wrong about my playing, not in tune and the rhythm was looser than I had thought I was playing.
I've been doing a lot of self-criticism today, it's just one of those moods where I go around and never appreciate much about my own things. I should get to bed, I've been getting to sleep quite late since the holidays have started, really. I'll just stop writing now...
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Sunday 24th May 2009
Today's been a really laid-back day for me, I couldn't be bothered to do any work when I got up this morning. Again, I was indulged in my games for the entire day, doing nothing else apart from toilet breaks and food (and the occasional wash).
I went to bed last night (technically this morning) at 0400, when mother only just got up to do the laundry:
"Why are you brushing your teeth? And why are you awake at four in the morning?"
Waking up? I hadn't even gone to bed, but I'll just keep that to myself and let her be at ease without concern. Why was I up until such an hour? Because I spent my time sorting out friend issues - with Josh. He was feeling somewhat down which wasn't helping my current state as mine was and is down too (such matters I really can't tell), and so I spent the entire day keeping an eye on him, to show that I'd be there if he wanted me to be - cheesy I know, but it works wonders. Sometimes I wish that I get to have more friends like that, just so Josh doesn't get an earful of whatever meaningless thoughts I say all the time.
I have the dog of squishy goodness with me, burying my face every now and then into it to cry, only when the opportunity comes about when nobody else is nearby. Was considering too, to leave home for Birmingham for a day to escape from the house which casts insanity over me with its nostalgic grey-blue sky through the windows at night.
I am considering working on my creative writing too, it's been on my mind for the past few days and I'm beginning to see it as an alternate way for expression as compared to my usual ways. Poetry too, I've been trying to look for the piece I did during Christmas but no luck so far, it's definitely gone walkabouts on its little legs, waddling and roaming the pathways of my home. All the best, as they say, I'm going to give it a go, no matter how badly written it seems at the moment, I hope that sometime in the near future I'd improve on this aspect of writing.
It's 2330 now, I'd better start clearing up the living room before I trip over and die in my own tangle of wires.
I went to bed last night (technically this morning) at 0400, when mother only just got up to do the laundry:
"Why are you brushing your teeth? And why are you awake at four in the morning?"
Waking up? I hadn't even gone to bed, but I'll just keep that to myself and let her be at ease without concern. Why was I up until such an hour? Because I spent my time sorting out friend issues - with Josh. He was feeling somewhat down which wasn't helping my current state as mine was and is down too (such matters I really can't tell), and so I spent the entire day keeping an eye on him, to show that I'd be there if he wanted me to be - cheesy I know, but it works wonders. Sometimes I wish that I get to have more friends like that, just so Josh doesn't get an earful of whatever meaningless thoughts I say all the time.
I have the dog of squishy goodness with me, burying my face every now and then into it to cry, only when the opportunity comes about when nobody else is nearby. Was considering too, to leave home for Birmingham for a day to escape from the house which casts insanity over me with its nostalgic grey-blue sky through the windows at night.
I am considering working on my creative writing too, it's been on my mind for the past few days and I'm beginning to see it as an alternate way for expression as compared to my usual ways. Poetry too, I've been trying to look for the piece I did during Christmas but no luck so far, it's definitely gone walkabouts on its little legs, waddling and roaming the pathways of my home. All the best, as they say, I'm going to give it a go, no matter how badly written it seems at the moment, I hope that sometime in the near future I'd improve on this aspect of writing.
It's 2330 now, I'd better start clearing up the living room before I trip over and die in my own tangle of wires.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
Saturday 23rd May 2009
I feel better today, I didn't have to spend all that effort into talking to many people and found a way to keep myself occupied with a gameboy, I rediscovered the joys of pokémon once again and was engrossed in the playing for 4 hours straight. Apart from that, there wasn't much else happening today, allowing me time to think things through properly once again.
It's strange how the same thing can be seen in different lights, for instance, this morning I was on my way into Birmingham and I has BBC Radio 1 on for half of the way, then tuning into Kerrang! Radio. The church I saw in town seemed quite normal compared to all the other times I go by it., it appeared to be just an old building that I happen to pass. Getting back home however, I had BBC Radio 3 on and it looked brighter and it wasn't so worn down - I felt envious as to how I never seem to be like that whenever I change radio stations, I could get a chance to know how it's like to feel the utopia I've wanted so badly for... but yet, I don't want to leave all this that I have now, or there'll be no difference.
Getting distracted at the moment, pokémon calls me again, I shall keep updated with any random throughts that come to mind.
It's strange how the same thing can be seen in different lights, for instance, this morning I was on my way into Birmingham and I has BBC Radio 1 on for half of the way, then tuning into Kerrang! Radio. The church I saw in town seemed quite normal compared to all the other times I go by it., it appeared to be just an old building that I happen to pass. Getting back home however, I had BBC Radio 3 on and it looked brighter and it wasn't so worn down - I felt envious as to how I never seem to be like that whenever I change radio stations, I could get a chance to know how it's like to feel the utopia I've wanted so badly for... but yet, I don't want to leave all this that I have now, or there'll be no difference.
Getting distracted at the moment, pokémon calls me again, I shall keep updated with any random throughts that come to mind.
Friday, 22 May 2009
What Will Become Of Me
[Accompaniment music (Ctrl+left click)]
Dear Future Significant Other:
I love you. Even though I don't even know you yet, I miss you already. I really would like you to be here, to be beside me, to stay with me, to laugh with me. People today put their love's names in hearts, but I'll put yours in circles - hearts break but circles will go on forever. In your absence, my heart grows stronger, but in your presence, I fall in love again. Which is why I have this:
I know that you are not perfect
and nor can I claim to be either,
but please believe me,
when I say that I want to be
by your side, to hold your hand,
to treasure you in the morning
and in the noon-tide,
to be next to you,
to be held close to your heart now
and for the rest of my living years,
to comfort you, dry your tears and
calm your most frightening fears,
to fight your battles and show no
shame to scream my love for
you out loud all over the land
Always forever and eternity that you will stay in my hopes, so I beg of you please, my pain of waiting hurts too much to put into any form of words the world provides me with, please come soon, I miss you.
There is a house, a home, dressed in such an elegance so surreal to the imagination. Its flares flutter with the summer breeze in the clear blue sky. The delicate tranquility longs for you, with sounds of great bells and joyous music electrifying the still air, decorating the euphoria in which I lost myself in time ago. There's a pendant in your room, the one I bought to you ages in advance, yearning for you to recieve it.
My dreams, my hopes, they all depend on you, I can't move them on if you don't show up.
What does it matter anyway, it's all hopeless, I'm deluding myself.
Dear Future Significant Other:
I love you. Even though I don't even know you yet, I miss you already. I really would like you to be here, to be beside me, to stay with me, to laugh with me. People today put their love's names in hearts, but I'll put yours in circles - hearts break but circles will go on forever. In your absence, my heart grows stronger, but in your presence, I fall in love again. Which is why I have this:
I know that you are not perfect
and nor can I claim to be either,
but please believe me,
when I say that I want to be
by your side, to hold your hand,
to treasure you in the morning
and in the noon-tide,
to be next to you,
to be held close to your heart now
and for the rest of my living years,
to comfort you, dry your tears and
calm your most frightening fears,
to fight your battles and show no
shame to scream my love for
you out loud all over the land
Always forever and eternity that you will stay in my hopes, so I beg of you please, my pain of waiting hurts too much to put into any form of words the world provides me with, please come soon, I miss you.
There is a house, a home, dressed in such an elegance so surreal to the imagination. Its flares flutter with the summer breeze in the clear blue sky. The delicate tranquility longs for you, with sounds of great bells and joyous music electrifying the still air, decorating the euphoria in which I lost myself in time ago. There's a pendant in your room, the one I bought to you ages in advance, yearning for you to recieve it.
My dreams, my hopes, they all depend on you, I can't move them on if you don't show up.
What does it matter anyway, it's all hopeless, I'm deluding myself.
Hangman
Was in a bookstore after finishing school (finally), going by the name of Borders, there Tham and Evee found a hangman console thingy in the store and decided to "try me". 7 letters, 15 minutes later when there were about 2 letters left, they still couldn't get it. When they lost, the game displayed "warthog" - pronounced WART-HOG.
And and, guess what? The two of them remained there, reaing the word over and over again: "WARTH-OG... WARTH...OG..."
I think the idea was that the game would tell you what the word was when you lost, not let you conitnue into thinking what the word could be...
And and, guess what? The two of them remained there, reaing the word over and over again: "WARTH-OG... WARTH...OG..."
I think the idea was that the game would tell you what the word was when you lost, not let you conitnue into thinking what the word could be...
Tham
HAHA! Today in maths, I found it funny how Jeannette was on about Tham "flying through them" maths questions, was beginning to imagine how she'd sprout wings and fly out the window, that combined with the potato article I saw this morning, and that of the rubber incident, brings the childish side of me out today, as I pictured her throwing potatoes at Jeanneatte whilst evading the teacher's fists of fury xD
Friday 22nd May 2009
Been looking forward to this day from the very beginning, now I have time to do my homework.
It's been a great day today, it's like I was drugged, light, hazy, taken far far away from my deepest thoughts and placed onto a world that's completely alien to me, welcoming me with open arms. Things have been going fine, I've been ignoring all the problems I faced today, they can kill me on a later date. For now, I'm not really up for facing my own tormenting devices *opens playlist*
Nothing much to say really, to be in such a good mood, I'm practically hollow inside now, my mind feels so clear.
It's been a great day today, it's like I was drugged, light, hazy, taken far far away from my deepest thoughts and placed onto a world that's completely alien to me, welcoming me with open arms. Things have been going fine, I've been ignoring all the problems I faced today, they can kill me on a later date. For now, I'm not really up for facing my own tormenting devices *opens playlist*
Nothing much to say really, to be in such a good mood, I'm practically hollow inside now, my mind feels so clear.
Josh
"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the sun! Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon. It is the east, and Juliet is the sun "
How I love it when you quote things, no matter how corny, or how... disturbing it might seem to me. I can honestly say that you definitely know how to lift the mood for me.
A great friend x
How I love it when you quote things, no matter how corny, or how... disturbing it might seem to me. I can honestly say that you definitely know how to lift the mood for me.
A great friend x
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Emotion
Adam gave me great idea today, it was in Italian, where I supposedly leaked out a bit of emotion:"Is this an emotion that I am feeling? I will call it RAGE"
I like this.
Ben
Oh please! Speak properly, regardless that you have oranges and nutri-grain bars everyday, at least don't annoy me with the incorrect pronounciations:
"Nutwi-gwain", "orwange" - a slight lisp is one thing, but what the hell is the baby-talk doing there?
"Nutwi-gwain", "orwange" - a slight lisp is one thing, but what the hell is the baby-talk doing there?
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Thursday 21st May 2009
"Well, I'll think of you! As I'm sitting writing about Haydn and Debussy and 7 other pieces" - it was one of those moments where I actually felt wanted, but still, how does that make me feel all that significant?
It's been an up and down day today, I got lost in my feelings, not really knowing how to react so I set to my default by isolating and ignoring people I know who are affecting me. I mean, the innocent shouldn't deserve the treatment, so I resorted to my verbal punchbag by the name of Josh. It's nice how he doesn't throw it all back at you unlike other people I know of, simply because I don't want to feel even worse than what I started with: "You're just making things worse... That IS greedy..." Now, I know that agreeing to my comments should make me feel better, but not spoken in that tone of voice, and the fact the she also manages to make a reply to what I say, whether it be "No..." or whatever she may be rambling on about, reminds me of the meaningless arguments I have with my nephew at home, now there's definitely nowhere to go to escape from all these adrenaline filled atmospheres.
On a good note, Adam (AJB) managed to lighten the mood a little towards the end of the day, there was a definite change somewhere from yesterday, or maybe I wasn't so easy irritated today. Going to my string quartet, it made me feel a lot better, regardless of the comment made: "How was college? You seemed a bit under the weather earlier." Once again it's Adam's (G) shallow comments that kept me on the verge of being sane.
I am beginning to wonder, if I'm taking other people's minor pains with me, so that they have less to concern with, I had realized it was my nature to notice difficulties in other people and being careful of what not to do in front of them - if I do anything at all.
This evening's not been a good one, I'm drowning in stress of statistics and I really don't want to get my mind thinking at such a level in this state. News just in:
"I thought that was pretty good! I was impressed, even if you weren't" - I am now officially confused about what people say, not even sure if it was meant to be true or whether it be something assuring to boost my self-esteem. Rating of today out of 10 - 5.
It's been an up and down day today, I got lost in my feelings, not really knowing how to react so I set to my default by isolating and ignoring people I know who are affecting me. I mean, the innocent shouldn't deserve the treatment, so I resorted to my verbal punchbag by the name of Josh. It's nice how he doesn't throw it all back at you unlike other people I know of, simply because I don't want to feel even worse than what I started with: "You're just making things worse... That IS greedy..." Now, I know that agreeing to my comments should make me feel better, but not spoken in that tone of voice, and the fact the she also manages to make a reply to what I say, whether it be "No..." or whatever she may be rambling on about, reminds me of the meaningless arguments I have with my nephew at home, now there's definitely nowhere to go to escape from all these adrenaline filled atmospheres.
On a good note, Adam (AJB) managed to lighten the mood a little towards the end of the day, there was a definite change somewhere from yesterday, or maybe I wasn't so easy irritated today. Going to my string quartet, it made me feel a lot better, regardless of the comment made: "How was college? You seemed a bit under the weather earlier." Once again it's Adam's (G) shallow comments that kept me on the verge of being sane.
I am beginning to wonder, if I'm taking other people's minor pains with me, so that they have less to concern with, I had realized it was my nature to notice difficulties in other people and being careful of what not to do in front of them - if I do anything at all.
This evening's not been a good one, I'm drowning in stress of statistics and I really don't want to get my mind thinking at such a level in this state. News just in:
"I thought that was pretty good! I was impressed, even if you weren't" - I am now officially confused about what people say, not even sure if it was meant to be true or whether it be something assuring to boost my self-esteem. Rating of today out of 10 - 5.
Wednesday 20th May 2009
I realized today that someone being funny can't always be seen the same way all the time; it depends on your mood. Today I was so easily irritated but like always, I manage to hide it so much that no one really picks up on it much. It hurts to keep it all in but I don't think I have a choice, I get pestered even more if I tell them to shut up. Either that or they dismiss my expressions all in all - either way it'll be worse for me.
It wasn't so bad as the day before though, probably because I had time to myself to think through things more clearly - I spent the entire morning locked away in an exam hall for my mandarin GCSE, I finished it in 15 minutes flat and so I had an hour left to ponder in my own imaginations - was trying to phone Josh (after the exam, of course), drop him a miss call so that he could call back since I have no credit and he has God knows however many minutes, but Ben decided to disturb me with his petty opening line "Hey *prods 6 consecutive times*" and continued his conversation even though I was pointing to my phone hinting the fact I was talking to someone: "What? You're not making any sense."
For such a time I have longed for a moment where I can just lay down on my bed, doing nothing, with a blank mind... But no, there's always something there to provoke me, people whom I value highly, I've still remember the reasons for looking up to them, but they're not staying for long, I begin to see patches of nothingness, like a void, an abyss. It's like for every relationship established, it doesn't last for long, not unless they were there to follow you through it. OK, I know that it seems a little greedy and I know that I won't return a favour as big as that, but I'm sure I'd be able to repay in other forms... eventually.
Times like this where I get to wallow in my thoughts I can make sense of who I really trust in long terms. Would like to call Josh again, couldn't quite do it in the afternoon, Chelsea and Tham both ran across the road to accompany me. So many things I'd love to say, but even here I won't be able to express it, it's far too personal for your eyes to see.
It wasn't so bad as the day before though, probably because I had time to myself to think through things more clearly - I spent the entire morning locked away in an exam hall for my mandarin GCSE, I finished it in 15 minutes flat and so I had an hour left to ponder in my own imaginations - was trying to phone Josh (after the exam, of course), drop him a miss call so that he could call back since I have no credit and he has God knows however many minutes, but Ben decided to disturb me with his petty opening line "Hey *prods 6 consecutive times*" and continued his conversation even though I was pointing to my phone hinting the fact I was talking to someone: "What? You're not making any sense."
For such a time I have longed for a moment where I can just lay down on my bed, doing nothing, with a blank mind... But no, there's always something there to provoke me, people whom I value highly, I've still remember the reasons for looking up to them, but they're not staying for long, I begin to see patches of nothingness, like a void, an abyss. It's like for every relationship established, it doesn't last for long, not unless they were there to follow you through it. OK, I know that it seems a little greedy and I know that I won't return a favour as big as that, but I'm sure I'd be able to repay in other forms... eventually.
Times like this where I get to wallow in my thoughts I can make sense of who I really trust in long terms. Would like to call Josh again, couldn't quite do it in the afternoon, Chelsea and Tham both ran across the road to accompany me. So many things I'd love to say, but even here I won't be able to express it, it's far too personal for your eyes to see.
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