I realized today that someone being funny can't always be seen the same way all the time; it depends on your mood. Today I was so easily irritated but like always, I manage to hide it so much that no one really picks up on it much. It hurts to keep it all in but I don't think I have a choice, I get pestered even more if I tell them to shut up. Either that or they dismiss my expressions all in all - either way it'll be worse for me.
It wasn't so bad as the day before though, probably because I had time to myself to think through things more clearly - I spent the entire morning locked away in an exam hall for my mandarin GCSE, I finished it in 15 minutes flat and so I had an hour left to ponder in my own imaginations - was trying to phone Josh (after the exam, of course), drop him a miss call so that he could call back since I have no credit and he has God knows however many minutes, but Ben decided to disturb me with his petty opening line "Hey *prods 6 consecutive times*" and continued his conversation even though I was pointing to my phone hinting the fact I was talking to someone: "What? You're not making any sense."
For such a time I have longed for a moment where I can just lay down on my bed, doing nothing, with a blank mind... But no, there's always something there to provoke me, people whom I value highly, I've still remember the reasons for looking up to them, but they're not staying for long, I begin to see patches of nothingness, like a void, an abyss. It's like for every relationship established, it doesn't last for long, not unless they were there to follow you through it. OK, I know that it seems a little greedy and I know that I won't return a favour as big as that, but I'm sure I'd be able to repay in other forms... eventually.
Times like this where I get to wallow in my thoughts I can make sense of who I really trust in long terms. Would like to call Josh again, couldn't quite do it in the afternoon, Chelsea and Tham both ran across the road to accompany me. So many things I'd love to say, but even here I won't be able to express it, it's far too personal for your eyes to see.
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