2010 is drawing nearer and I can feel life coming back to a fresh start - but it won't happen will it? Too many times I have deluded myself, so many times I have convinced myself this lie was true. It can't just all change.
Why fight somethng that's inevitable? Because it's good psychology. Fighting for something that would never happen simply puts your mind at ease, even if it is causing you stress. Through my eyes, I think it's better to do just that rather than wallow in self-pity thinking of how these things just happen.
I'm beginning to debate this free-will verses fate argument in my mind. What can I do that's completely determined and still able to go against it half way through? OK, that may have not made any sense for some people but I know what I'm on about, and that's more than enough to get me thinking.
Another thing that came into mind only recently. I went to see Avatar today, I heard the graphics were quite good. What they did was they created an entire world, a whole new meaning to life and have invented their own culture - it's great. It makes me think though, we humans have gone about it a similar way but we've gone down a completely different path. It's very contrasting to the way of life here on Earth. I guess it's just as they say - same difference.
There were so many things that they did in the film, moments that made me smile, and actually feel connected to them. Sad as it is, they are fictional beings but I've grown attatched to them and their understandings.
It's all so overwhelming and... incomprehensible...
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Thursday, 17 December 2009
After a Short Break
It's been a hectic few weeks now I know. It's been so bsut that I ahven't had the time to actually get online to even consider writing out a blog for each day. I had been wanting to wait it all out until I have the time to do so, but now for me, it seems to me that the work jsut keeps piling up. How foolish it was for em to think that my workload was lessening. I ahve major deadlines for tomorrow, resulting me going into college when I have no lessons left.
I'm tempted to continue blogging starting from tomorrow night, as I'm pretty occupied for the moment.
I just want a time to spread out all my work...
I'm tempted to continue blogging starting from tomorrow night, as I'm pretty occupied for the moment.
I just want a time to spread out all my work...
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Friday 4th December 2009
First thing's first - a happy birthday to Tham =]
Now, getting back to the blog.
I don't think that everyothing's impossible now, come to think of it, if I try to get myself back on my feet again, it should be fine. Either way, it's by time that I start fighting my own corner, to actually do it instead of being half-arsed.
I have quite a bit of revision to do. Yeah. I should do that first.
Oh and one last thing; the best of luck to those doing the sleepout at St. Basil, the temperature's down and the weather's pretty bitter.
Now, getting back to the blog.
I don't think that everyothing's impossible now, come to think of it, if I try to get myself back on my feet again, it should be fine. Either way, it's by time that I start fighting my own corner, to actually do it instead of being half-arsed.
I have quite a bit of revision to do. Yeah. I should do that first.
Oh and one last thing; the best of luck to those doing the sleepout at St. Basil, the temperature's down and the weather's pretty bitter.
Friday, 4 December 2009
Thursday 3rd December 2009
I'm not exactly sure of what had happened but throughout the entire day it felt as if it was driven solely on fear alone. Now, I don't know where this element of fear has come from, but nonetheless it was what kept me from putting off work.
I had tried to meet all deadlines for Friday but only to settle with finishing just my english coursework.
I'm tired beyond compehension.
I had tried to meet all deadlines for Friday but only to settle with finishing just my english coursework.
I'm tired beyond compehension.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Wednesday 2nd December 2009
The mocks are drawing closer and closer, they're beginning to haunt me even more so than they had before. I'm here, cowering away in a corner convincing myself that I couldn't get anything out of this, no matter what I put myself through.
But today gave me a shred of hope, a situation where friends where acually there at the right time. To be given support can make you feel so dependent on people, but ultimately, it helps, as long as you are there to recieve it and others are willing to provide it.
On the spot, it made me feel ligh and fuzzy inside, I wasn't sure how I should react, and instead, as always, kept my composure throughout that moment in time.
As I got home, I wanted to cry again, I really did. I was fearing for my life that I would have to stay behind for another 2 years. And what if even colleges don't want me? I've just gone and ended it there and then, right?
I need to go. What was supposed to be simple work, amounted into a load of problems. I will deal with writing a proper blog post at a later date.
But today gave me a shred of hope, a situation where friends where acually there at the right time. To be given support can make you feel so dependent on people, but ultimately, it helps, as long as you are there to recieve it and others are willing to provide it.
On the spot, it made me feel ligh and fuzzy inside, I wasn't sure how I should react, and instead, as always, kept my composure throughout that moment in time.
As I got home, I wanted to cry again, I really did. I was fearing for my life that I would have to stay behind for another 2 years. And what if even colleges don't want me? I've just gone and ended it there and then, right?
I need to go. What was supposed to be simple work, amounted into a load of problems. I will deal with writing a proper blog post at a later date.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Tuesday 1st December 2009
COnsidering retaking th IB, but that would mean that I'm going to stay in college for a urther two years, that's going to waste me away surely. I'm gonig to try ever so hard to get this, determination now set upon me, I'll gladly destroy whatever pulls me down.
Now at this moment in time, I couldn't care less if other people are struggling, I am too, if not, worse. these things that people expect of me, they're so much to bear for just myself. To fail this time round without an attempt of making the best of things, is only going to throw all this belief they've had back in their face. There's that and one other reason: if I'm doing IB all over again, then surely the things that are covered are going to the same topics, only differing in the options topic of particular subjects, right?
Either way, I should start working like my life ends here - which metaphorically it could, where all ends all.
I don't feel so well, I spent the past hour crying down the phone to Josh, who is sadly leaving for France over the weekend, of all the things I've been so hyped on, the fear the tension, the warped reality of it all. I can't do it, I really can't. It's as if I've given up inside, ready to admit that I've lost track of getting to the top of things.
For so long I've lazed around in this imaginitive world of mine that I would make things work, and so I sat back, and watched everything as it all tumbled downhill.
Things are so hard now, what do I do? I hate this this newly formed me, of how I could grow so dependent on others when before all this I would ahve been perfectly capable of doing it all myself...
I'm a fool to think that I could do things worthwhile. I feel so stupid for making the wrong choices, just can't believe I've been so blind. For each morning that I wake up, the first thing on my mind, is always to set things right again, and always the case, by teh time I return home, my morality had already eaked and has begun to slope back down again, reverting back to this lazy self once again.
I need help. I'm in severe trouble. And what's worse, this new year's resolution of mine is restricting my ability to express exactly what I want to the efficiency that I would want it at.
I'm so fed up of this, I have to bring my act together, even if I feel oh so reluctant to do it, I have to, I must.
"I smiled, as I knew it would be my last, and I whispered goodbye, because I knew I would never see her again. For one last time, I took another breath and shut my eyes, ready to pull the trigger."
Now at this moment in time, I couldn't care less if other people are struggling, I am too, if not, worse. these things that people expect of me, they're so much to bear for just myself. To fail this time round without an attempt of making the best of things, is only going to throw all this belief they've had back in their face. There's that and one other reason: if I'm doing IB all over again, then surely the things that are covered are going to the same topics, only differing in the options topic of particular subjects, right?
Either way, I should start working like my life ends here - which metaphorically it could, where all ends all.
I don't feel so well, I spent the past hour crying down the phone to Josh, who is sadly leaving for France over the weekend, of all the things I've been so hyped on, the fear the tension, the warped reality of it all. I can't do it, I really can't. It's as if I've given up inside, ready to admit that I've lost track of getting to the top of things.
For so long I've lazed around in this imaginitive world of mine that I would make things work, and so I sat back, and watched everything as it all tumbled downhill.
Things are so hard now, what do I do? I hate this this newly formed me, of how I could grow so dependent on others when before all this I would ahve been perfectly capable of doing it all myself...
I'm a fool to think that I could do things worthwhile. I feel so stupid for making the wrong choices, just can't believe I've been so blind. For each morning that I wake up, the first thing on my mind, is always to set things right again, and always the case, by teh time I return home, my morality had already eaked and has begun to slope back down again, reverting back to this lazy self once again.
I need help. I'm in severe trouble. And what's worse, this new year's resolution of mine is restricting my ability to express exactly what I want to the efficiency that I would want it at.
I'm so fed up of this, I have to bring my act together, even if I feel oh so reluctant to do it, I have to, I must.
"I smiled, as I knew it would be my last, and I whispered goodbye, because I knew I would never see her again. For one last time, I took another breath and shut my eyes, ready to pull the trigger."
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