Tuesday 1st December 2009

COnsidering retaking th IB, but that would mean that I'm going to stay in college for a urther two years, that's going to waste me away surely.  I'm gonig to try ever so hard to get this, determination now set upon me, I'll gladly destroy whatever pulls me down. 

Now at this moment in time, I couldn't care less if other people are struggling, I am too, if not, worse.  these things that people expect of me, they're so much to bear for just myself.  To fail this time round without an attempt of making the best of things, is only going to throw all this belief they've had back in their face.  There's that and one other reason:  if I'm doing IB all over again, then surely the things that are covered are going to the same topics, only differing in the options topic of particular subjects, right? 

Either way, I should start working like my life ends here - which metaphorically it could, where all ends all. 

I don't feel so well, I spent the past hour crying down the phone to Josh, who is sadly leaving for France over the weekend, of all the things I've been so hyped on, the fear the tension, the warped reality of it all.  I can't do it, I really can't.  It's as if I've given up inside, ready to admit that I've lost track of getting to the top of things. 

For so long I've lazed around in this imaginitive world of mine that I would make things work, and so I sat back, and watched everything as it all tumbled downhill. 

Things are so hard now, what do I do?  I hate this this newly formed me, of how I could grow so dependent on others when before all this I would ahve been perfectly capable of doing it all myself...

I'm a fool to think that I could do things worthwhile.  I feel so stupid for making the wrong choices, just can't believe I've been so blind.  For each morning that I wake up, the first thing on my mind, is always to set things right again, and always the case, by teh time I return home, my morality had already eaked and has begun to slope back down again, reverting back to this lazy self once again. 

I need help.  I'm in severe trouble.  And what's worse, this new year's resolution of mine is restricting my ability to express exactly what I want to the efficiency that I would want it at. 

I'm so fed up of this, I have to bring my act together, even if I feel oh so reluctant to do it, I have to, I must. 

"I smiled, as I knew it would be my last, and I whispered goodbye, because I knew I would never see her again.  For one last time, I took another breath and shut my eyes, ready to pull the trigger."