Well, here I am. 18, like a grown man. Now what? Am I to cast myself into the real world and face the music of it all? What benefits do I now get that I couldn't before? Cynical I know but I'm just saying, people seemed shoked to hear that I didn't have any plans for tonight.
Well, I was going through my friend's blog and I've noticed for the last few posts it's gradually becoming more like mine (only mine perpetuates and I'm sure his depression's only spiking). Since all the negativity has been shifted to his side of the equilibrium I thought I'd take a brighter tone today.
Yes this week has got to be one of the hardest times to go through for everyone in the IB, with all the final deadlines approaching and the panic button hit. Once met and accomplished I'm sure some of the pressure will be off and we'll all have a little bit more room to breathe. As for now, in my approach, I would rather get things done than to think about how messed up life is and how much of a waste it will be if we fail.
Sure, I think that to myself all the time but I guess it's easier to cope when you're introvert. Well, I'm running out of time and I really need to be finishing my work now. I'll be off.
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Monday 22nd February 2010
There are 2 days left to go and really I don't feel much coming up. Sure, I'll become 18, finally that day we've all been waiting for (not saying that we've all been waiting for my 18th coming of age, just the mere fact that we've all wished to be 18 at some point in our lives) will have come and passed by. So, it's not like I'm suddenly a year older or anything, technically I've only grown a day (or night) from the day before, and the day before that and so on. Would it be right for me to think in such a way? If it is, I'd also like to point out that these birthdays, we humans celebrate these because it signifies that we're a year closer to the grave, or urn. I see logic in that track of thought, whether it be twisted or not I couldn't care less.
After spending another evening confined in my 'little white room', I did a bit of intensive thinking (there wasn't much else to do). I had realised that I have nowhere to go at all once all this is over. Without stressing out on coursework, no preparations for exams, it leaves me with days on end with absolutely nothing to do except for a little bit more of that intensive thinking I do, as the warped person that I am.
Yeah, at the moment my life's pretty dead but I'm still sure that I've done a whole lot more than what most people have done in their lifetime - I've been around the world, to see everything my parents wanted to teach me; the intricacies of world peace, the passion of culture and tradition, the serenity of mother nature. Bliss, beauty, ambience. But there were also the horrors of genocides, loss of loved ones, the secrets and loneliness within the family. Neglect, harsh, austere.
I have seen too many things tonight, it's made me think too much. Appreciation is what I've learnt, the mportance and significance of others, whatever their life is worth. Yet for so many of these people they know too little about life, seeing the world on such a small scale. It pains me to watch them go on, as if nothing's the matter.
Look at me, with all the melodrama. It's as if I can feel things on an extreme scale, unstable and insecure. I lack the basic knowledge these people possess, I'm drifting too far out into the shrine of imaginations.
I've seen blogs and videos today and it's made me think, there's a lot to consider. But now I grow tired of having to pretend, that I am easily amused and strangely lively for the sake of making others think I'm fine. "I thought it was just generic", says a friend, day 6 of Slovakia, "I can't really imagine you with a boy or a girl" a few months later. It just goes to prove, I've done pretty well with the acting, but now I feel like such a cheat.
I could go on but I've only just realised, I'm coming up with more things to say here than and of my courseworks and essays. I wish that it could have happened the other way around, my life would be so much easier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGpUoeYbs1E
After spending another evening confined in my 'little white room', I did a bit of intensive thinking (there wasn't much else to do). I had realised that I have nowhere to go at all once all this is over. Without stressing out on coursework, no preparations for exams, it leaves me with days on end with absolutely nothing to do except for a little bit more of that intensive thinking I do, as the warped person that I am.
Yeah, at the moment my life's pretty dead but I'm still sure that I've done a whole lot more than what most people have done in their lifetime - I've been around the world, to see everything my parents wanted to teach me; the intricacies of world peace, the passion of culture and tradition, the serenity of mother nature. Bliss, beauty, ambience. But there were also the horrors of genocides, loss of loved ones, the secrets and loneliness within the family. Neglect, harsh, austere.
I have seen too many things tonight, it's made me think too much. Appreciation is what I've learnt, the mportance and significance of others, whatever their life is worth. Yet for so many of these people they know too little about life, seeing the world on such a small scale. It pains me to watch them go on, as if nothing's the matter.
Look at me, with all the melodrama. It's as if I can feel things on an extreme scale, unstable and insecure. I lack the basic knowledge these people possess, I'm drifting too far out into the shrine of imaginations.
I've seen blogs and videos today and it's made me think, there's a lot to consider. But now I grow tired of having to pretend, that I am easily amused and strangely lively for the sake of making others think I'm fine. "I thought it was just generic", says a friend, day 6 of Slovakia, "I can't really imagine you with a boy or a girl" a few months later. It just goes to prove, I've done pretty well with the acting, but now I feel like such a cheat.
I could go on but I've only just realised, I'm coming up with more things to say here than and of my courseworks and essays. I wish that it could have happened the other way around, my life would be so much easier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGpUoeYbs1E
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Sunday 21st February 2010
It's ok for me to actually say the harshest things about myself to myself, but what I've noticed is, any slight negativity others point out I really get agitated and it's not nice at all. So let me settle on a course of action. If you open your mouth to put me down, I'll shut you up. That will be all.
Another thing, I've become rather homesick lately, not from my home here, but from HK. I miss the sight of the high-rise buildings, the masses of crowds that swarm the place around the clock, the constant everyday noises outside your bedroom window when you're working or just watching tv.
Eurgh, what am I doing? If I meet all my deadlines this week then I'm pretty much set up for clear sailing for the rest of the year. Let's all hope I can get my life on track for once and for all.
Another thing, I've become rather homesick lately, not from my home here, but from HK. I miss the sight of the high-rise buildings, the masses of crowds that swarm the place around the clock, the constant everyday noises outside your bedroom window when you're working or just watching tv.
Eurgh, what am I doing? If I meet all my deadlines this week then I'm pretty much set up for clear sailing for the rest of the year. Let's all hope I can get my life on track for once and for all.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Thursday 19th February 2010
Ashamed of myself, really I am. Here I am fully aware the I have an insurmountable load of work to be done for the next week and all I do is I'm telling myself that I'll do it later.
Seriously I need to consider methods of motivating myself to want to work. After all, I need to achieve an impossible feat in order to proceed to university.
Besides that, there's not much left to say, I woke up not long ago so there's still a whole day to go through.
Seriously I need to consider methods of motivating myself to want to work. After all, I need to achieve an impossible feat in order to proceed to university.
Besides that, there's not much left to say, I woke up not long ago so there's still a whole day to go through.
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Wednesday 17th February 2010
OK I take back what I said last night, things are just as depressing as ever, with the fact that I have tons of work to do to get what I need for university.
And all of a sudden, everything seems all so unachieveable and my whole life's just crashing down. Wow, extreme or what.
I've just gotten back from my interview at Birmingham University in the sloppy rain and the gloomy clouds and it left me quite depressed. I just awoke from a really stuffy sleep in the car and now I'm feeling really tired, half-awake at the keyboard in this dusty room. It's nice, isn't it? My throat feels sticky and the feel of the air going into my lungs isn't as clear as they could have been. Impure and stale. Then there's that uncomfortableness of just sitting around, where your clothes don't seem to like you and it's agitating you.
My room is dim and the light's starting to buzz, my clocks are beginning to tick louder than before and the things in my room just seem so lifeless... It's the life I had back when I lived on the floor above my dad's restaurant and the strange thing is, I actually enjoyed it. It's like living in the real world, with all things industrial and it's that feel of when you're out at a traditional restaurant abroad late at night, you're slightly tired and the lighting's pretty dim. I used to like that kind of life and now I come to wonder how innocent I used to be.
Well, I'm pretty down at the moment, maybe some encouragement could really help. What am I doing, I have someone to turn to, that should be more than enough *sarcasm*
*sighs* Liking your new gloves by the way xxx
And all of a sudden, everything seems all so unachieveable and my whole life's just crashing down. Wow, extreme or what.
I've just gotten back from my interview at Birmingham University in the sloppy rain and the gloomy clouds and it left me quite depressed. I just awoke from a really stuffy sleep in the car and now I'm feeling really tired, half-awake at the keyboard in this dusty room. It's nice, isn't it? My throat feels sticky and the feel of the air going into my lungs isn't as clear as they could have been. Impure and stale. Then there's that uncomfortableness of just sitting around, where your clothes don't seem to like you and it's agitating you.
My room is dim and the light's starting to buzz, my clocks are beginning to tick louder than before and the things in my room just seem so lifeless... It's the life I had back when I lived on the floor above my dad's restaurant and the strange thing is, I actually enjoyed it. It's like living in the real world, with all things industrial and it's that feel of when you're out at a traditional restaurant abroad late at night, you're slightly tired and the lighting's pretty dim. I used to like that kind of life and now I come to wonder how innocent I used to be.
Well, I'm pretty down at the moment, maybe some encouragement could really help. What am I doing, I have someone to turn to, that should be more than enough *sarcasm*
*sighs* Liking your new gloves by the way xxx
Tuesday 16th February 2010
Today's one of those days where you think to yourself, it couldn't get any better and I don't mean it in a bad way either.
It's when you find yourself so infatuated with your significant other and yet everything else is working towards your favour. I thought that I would have to torture myself in order to get into a university and maybe I still do - the fact that I can qualify as a uni student with a minimum pass rate for IB is such a comforting idea, it's like I don't have to depress myself so much in the upcoming weeks.
Everything today so far has been pretty easy to accept as great and I'm not used to that. What happened to the criticism, the cynicism, the pessimism? I've been having to force myself to see the negative things, now seeing the effect of having a relationship on both sides of he story.
Confused? I guess I'm in a bothered enough state to explain:
I remember when a friend of mine went into a relationship and the months after that she had never conversed with me, not even see me besides the weekly rehearsals we have on Thursdays and Fridays. My other friend had told me he felt just the same way and had almost plunged me into his pool of neglect, but in an attempt to understand I only managed to just touch the surface of it. I know of the anxiety it causes, the neglect, the discarding, as though there's no further use of you anymore. That for me, was the first fist in the stomach, shutting me away in my room.
Now, having to see everything under a different light, it's like there's nothing wrong with anything even if people sound upset and have tried to put you down for some self-comfort and ignoring their actions only make angrier.
Now from all this, I have to admit, I think Adam's been the closest to avoiding all the problems for both sides of having a relationship. The only issue being his unavailability but hey, he has other people to see, right? And I may as well throw in the other issue - the "meh" attitude needs to go, far too childish and self-confined. Already I hear Evee saying: "He's a boy! He doesn't know how to understand people's feelings." And what does that make me?! Don't.
Well, lest assured I'll be trying my best to go on life just as normal, if the relationship can spark under the current lifestyle I lead, to keep it going shouldn't mean I have to completely change it.
I can't do this, I need to end my blog in my usual way.
My extended essay is trying to depress me as much as it can. There's an unsurmountable load of sources I need to read and all for what? A paragraph? Oh the joy. I need to prepare for my italian individual oral exam too. Everything's just so college oriented the past few months, I really don't like it. I think I've been to the point in life where you start thinking: "College is beginning to get unbearable. I want it over and I want it over now." I just feel so fed up with this college crap I don't want to carry on with it any further. But to move on means to finish it.
I'll leave things on that, I'm content with knowing that I've done very little for my extended essay tonight, someone will need to motivate me in that area.
It's when you find yourself so infatuated with your significant other and yet everything else is working towards your favour. I thought that I would have to torture myself in order to get into a university and maybe I still do - the fact that I can qualify as a uni student with a minimum pass rate for IB is such a comforting idea, it's like I don't have to depress myself so much in the upcoming weeks.
Everything today so far has been pretty easy to accept as great and I'm not used to that. What happened to the criticism, the cynicism, the pessimism? I've been having to force myself to see the negative things, now seeing the effect of having a relationship on both sides of he story.
Confused? I guess I'm in a bothered enough state to explain:
I remember when a friend of mine went into a relationship and the months after that she had never conversed with me, not even see me besides the weekly rehearsals we have on Thursdays and Fridays. My other friend had told me he felt just the same way and had almost plunged me into his pool of neglect, but in an attempt to understand I only managed to just touch the surface of it. I know of the anxiety it causes, the neglect, the discarding, as though there's no further use of you anymore. That for me, was the first fist in the stomach, shutting me away in my room.
Now, having to see everything under a different light, it's like there's nothing wrong with anything even if people sound upset and have tried to put you down for some self-comfort and ignoring their actions only make angrier.
Now from all this, I have to admit, I think Adam's been the closest to avoiding all the problems for both sides of having a relationship. The only issue being his unavailability but hey, he has other people to see, right? And I may as well throw in the other issue - the "meh" attitude needs to go, far too childish and self-confined. Already I hear Evee saying: "He's a boy! He doesn't know how to understand people's feelings." And what does that make me?! Don't.
Well, lest assured I'll be trying my best to go on life just as normal, if the relationship can spark under the current lifestyle I lead, to keep it going shouldn't mean I have to completely change it.
I can't do this, I need to end my blog in my usual way.
My extended essay is trying to depress me as much as it can. There's an unsurmountable load of sources I need to read and all for what? A paragraph? Oh the joy. I need to prepare for my italian individual oral exam too. Everything's just so college oriented the past few months, I really don't like it. I think I've been to the point in life where you start thinking: "College is beginning to get unbearable. I want it over and I want it over now." I just feel so fed up with this college crap I don't want to carry on with it any further. But to move on means to finish it.
I'll leave things on that, I'm content with knowing that I've done very little for my extended essay tonight, someone will need to motivate me in that area.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Monday 15th February 2010
"What do you want for your birthday, really?" - to be honest, I have no idea. I think I've come to the point in life where you have finally run out of things to want so badly. Or is this just loss of interest?
Well, the weekend had been a great experience, the bad thing is that it's been too short. I would have liked to have been on the violin for that particular weekend, I would have learnt something beneficial that could possibly contribute to the rest of my life rather than "just a viola" sort of thing. But nonetheless, I learnt a great deal about the bgger picture in general, and it's always something I've never been able to convey.
But now coming back, I realize how much work needs to be done over this week and that fact that I have an interview soon too.
Some birthday it's ging to turn out to be, let's hope that I remember I turn 18 this year.
Well, the weekend had been a great experience, the bad thing is that it's been too short. I would have liked to have been on the violin for that particular weekend, I would have learnt something beneficial that could possibly contribute to the rest of my life rather than "just a viola" sort of thing. But nonetheless, I learnt a great deal about the bgger picture in general, and it's always something I've never been able to convey.
But now coming back, I realize how much work needs to be done over this week and that fact that I have an interview soon too.
Some birthday it's ging to turn out to be, let's hope that I remember I turn 18 this year.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Tuesday 9th February 2010
Wow, I just coughed and broke the 7 hours of silence I just held. It was so loud that my ears are hurting me. Which brings to mind, in all my performing experiences, the audience always seems to cough in between movements but never [or little] during the performance.
There was a time where I thought you know, if only I could type all this up then writing it all out wouldn't come across so tiring and time-consuming. Now at this mometn in life, even my typing's not up to the speed I want it at. Sure, I've been at my keyboard constantly since college life had begun and my writing skills have detriorated, but the fact that I still can't type properly annoys me just a little bit.
There is at the moment, a lot of work to do, by/during half term. I'm looking forward to this free timetable that I will have afterwards where I can solely revise for my exams. Though not much time, but it's still time.
I want to just do nothing for even a day, please. I want it so badly - don't - I've not had a proper one since Christmas.
Oh and Josh, thanks for the card, it's not coming with me to Manchester.
There was a time where I thought you know, if only I could type all this up then writing it all out wouldn't come across so tiring and time-consuming. Now at this mometn in life, even my typing's not up to the speed I want it at. Sure, I've been at my keyboard constantly since college life had begun and my writing skills have detriorated, but the fact that I still can't type properly annoys me just a little bit.
There is at the moment, a lot of work to do, by/during half term. I'm looking forward to this free timetable that I will have afterwards where I can solely revise for my exams. Though not much time, but it's still time.
I want to just do nothing for even a day, please. I want it so badly - don't - I've not had a proper one since Christmas.
Oh and Josh, thanks for the card, it's not coming with me to Manchester.
Monday, 8 February 2010
Monday 8th February 2010
Wow, is it me, or is the end of my colege life drawing dangerously near? No college life, no life at all. Epic win.
All this stuff is getting to my head too, even in italian today, where the question was asking you to write an email to university students about possibly sharing an apartment with you - I mean, how scary would that be?
The very thought of it worries me already - I'm going to be confining myself in my little white room avoiding all things social. That's the way to live life.
ftw.
All this stuff is getting to my head too, even in italian today, where the question was asking you to write an email to university students about possibly sharing an apartment with you - I mean, how scary would that be?
The very thought of it worries me already - I'm going to be confining myself in my little white room avoiding all things social. That's the way to live life.
ftw.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Sunday 7th February 2010
Well today that feeling of a lazy summer came to me and I just couldn't be bothered to do much to be honest, and I still have vlogging in mind but at the moment just trying to see what I can do if I'm doing it. I'll need ideas, inspirations, suggestions, maybe...
I'd like to say things are going well but that pile of work to do on my glass shelf is getting heavier and it's going to make a mess on my floor if I leave it there for too long.
I did a little research into what kind of things people talk about, and came across thefiveawsomeguys. It's like, each person takes their turns in getting a video up for the weekdays in accordance to their name (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday). Problem is, not everyone's surrounded by youtube users, are they?
Thus I am left to ponder upon ideas once more, in hope to have something set up and going when I finish my exams.
Fun timesssss
I'd like to say things are going well but that pile of work to do on my glass shelf is getting heavier and it's going to make a mess on my floor if I leave it there for too long.
I did a little research into what kind of things people talk about, and came across thefiveawsomeguys. It's like, each person takes their turns in getting a video up for the weekdays in accordance to their name (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday). Problem is, not everyone's surrounded by youtube users, are they?
Thus I am left to ponder upon ideas once more, in hope to have something set up and going when I finish my exams.
Fun timesssss
Saturday 8th February 2010
Yet another week has passed by and still I think it's all going a bit too fast. There's now a pile of work to do but I'm just not in the mood for it right now. I've lost all incentive to do anything worthwhile at the moment so I'm just going to pass time doing blogs.
Actually, it had come across my mind that I hadn'tmade much out of my Youtube account, so what can I do with it? I went scouring the community site in search for what I could do but not much luck really. My friend had suggested me an alternative to just typing up my blogs: "Why no try out a vlog? Even if it's an introuction or something small." OK... I haven't gotten round to that just yet solely because my microphone is of such a poor quality it's just not woth doing.
That and one othe thing - me, video? I must be one of the deadest beings to ever exist and I was suggested to make a video? Although, I have seen a few other friends vlogging and they come across a lot livlier online than in reality, so I guess that's all I could hope for. Right?
...
I'm still not sure about this idea though, I mean, yeah I like the idea myself but... let's put it this way, I don't have the confidence in doing one.
I looked up vlogs today too. I guess I'll just leave one just here...
Actually, it had come across my mind that I hadn'tmade much out of my Youtube account, so what can I do with it? I went scouring the community site in search for what I could do but not much luck really. My friend had suggested me an alternative to just typing up my blogs: "Why no try out a vlog? Even if it's an introuction or something small." OK... I haven't gotten round to that just yet solely because my microphone is of such a poor quality it's just not woth doing.
That and one othe thing - me, video? I must be one of the deadest beings to ever exist and I was suggested to make a video? Although, I have seen a few other friends vlogging and they come across a lot livlier online than in reality, so I guess that's all I could hope for. Right?
...
I'm still not sure about this idea though, I mean, yeah I like the idea myself but... let's put it this way, I don't have the confidence in doing one.
I looked up vlogs today too. I guess I'll just leave one just here...
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Wednesday 3rd February 2010
It's been a while since my last post, I jsut thought I'd like to say a few words before deciding on missing a few deadlines [supposedly] set for tomorrow.
Anyway, I went to the Birmingham Central Library to pick up a few books that I had reserved, but realized I could only take two more out due to the books I had taken out previously. This now presents me a dilemma; when would I ever find time again to go back and pick up the other books? It's not like things are working out for me at the moment, oh no, everything just loves to oppose me because I'm wrong on every level.
I'm beginning to feel the stress coming on too, there's too much to do all of a sudden and in such a short space of time. If only people actually spread out these things to do so that I wouldn't have to force everything into a couple of days.
And to add to that, I have a music workshop to go to. I mean, that's a lot of time take out of my potential revision time. I have music to do for tomorrow, and a TOK essay to draft for tomorrow. Just to annoy me, there's a tedious italian task to do too.
I hate my Thursdays. I need to continue working.
Anyway, I went to the Birmingham Central Library to pick up a few books that I had reserved, but realized I could only take two more out due to the books I had taken out previously. This now presents me a dilemma; when would I ever find time again to go back and pick up the other books? It's not like things are working out for me at the moment, oh no, everything just loves to oppose me because I'm wrong on every level.
I'm beginning to feel the stress coming on too, there's too much to do all of a sudden and in such a short space of time. If only people actually spread out these things to do so that I wouldn't have to force everything into a couple of days.
And to add to that, I have a music workshop to go to. I mean, that's a lot of time take out of my potential revision time. I have music to do for tomorrow, and a TOK essay to draft for tomorrow. Just to annoy me, there's a tedious italian task to do too.
I hate my Thursdays. I need to continue working.
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