Wednesday 30th December 2009

2010 is drawing nearer and I can feel life coming back to a fresh start - but it won't happen will it?  Too many times I have deluded myself, so many times I have convinced myself this lie was true.  It can't just all change. 

Why fight somethng that's inevitable?  Because it's good psychology.  Fighting for something that would never happen simply puts your mind at ease, even if it is causing you stress.  Through my eyes, I think it's better to do just that rather than wallow in self-pity thinking of how these things just happen. 

I'm beginning to debate this free-will verses fate argument in my mind.  What can I do that's completely determined and still able to go against it half way through?  OK, that may have not made any sense for some people but I know what I'm on about, and that's more than enough to get me thinking. 

Another thing that came into mind only recently.  I went to see Avatar today, I heard the graphics were quite good.  What they did was they created an entire world, a whole new meaning to life and have invented their own culture - it's great.  It makes me think though, we humans have gone about it a similar way but we've gone down a completely different path.  It's very contrasting to the way of life here on Earth.  I guess it's just as they say - same difference. 

There were so many things that they did in the film, moments that made me smile, and actually feel connected to them.  Sad as it is, they are fictional beings but I've grown attatched to them and their understandings. 

It's all so overwhelming and...  incomprehensible...

After a Short Break

It's been a hectic few weeks now I know.  It's been so bsut that I ahven't had the time to actually get online to even consider writing out a blog for each day.  I had been wanting to wait it all out until I have the time to do so, but now for me, it seems to me that the work jsut keeps piling up.  How foolish it was for em to think that my workload was lessening.  I ahve major deadlines for tomorrow, resulting me going into college when I have no lessons left. 

I'm tempted to continue blogging starting from tomorrow night, as I'm pretty occupied for the moment. 

I just want a time to spread out all my work...

Friday 4th December 2009

First thing's first - a happy birthday to Tham =]

Now, getting back to the blog. 

I don't think that everyothing's impossible now, come to think of it, if I try to get myself back on my feet again, it should be fine.  Either way, it's by time that I start fighting my own corner, to actually do it instead of being half-arsed. 

I have quite a bit of revision to do.  Yeah.  I should do that first. 

Oh and one last thing; the best of luck to those doing the sleepout at St. Basil, the temperature's down and the weather's pretty bitter. 

Thursday 3rd December 2009

I'm not exactly sure of what had happened but throughout the entire day it felt as if it was driven solely on fear alone.  Now, I don't know where this element of fear has come from, but nonetheless it was what kept me from putting off work. 

I had tried to meet all deadlines for Friday but only to settle with finishing just my english coursework. 

I'm tired beyond compehension.

Wednesday 2nd December 2009

The mocks are drawing closer and closer, they're beginning to haunt me even more so than they had before.  I'm here, cowering away in a corner convincing myself that I couldn't get anything out of this, no matter what I put myself through. 

But today gave me a shred of hope, a situation where friends where acually there at the right time.  To be given support can make you feel so dependent on people, but ultimately, it helps, as long as you are there to recieve it and others are willing to provide it. 

On the spot, it made me feel ligh and fuzzy inside, I wasn't sure how I should react, and instead, as always, kept my composure throughout that moment in time. 

As I got home, I wanted to cry again, I really did.  I was fearing for my life that I would have to stay behind for another 2 years.  And what if even colleges don't want me?  I've just gone and ended it there and then, right? 

I need to go.  What was supposed to be simple work, amounted into a load of problems.  I will deal with writing a proper blog post at a later date. 

Tuesday 1st December 2009

COnsidering retaking th IB, but that would mean that I'm going to stay in college for a urther two years, that's going to waste me away surely.  I'm gonig to try ever so hard to get this, determination now set upon me, I'll gladly destroy whatever pulls me down. 

Now at this moment in time, I couldn't care less if other people are struggling, I am too, if not, worse.  these things that people expect of me, they're so much to bear for just myself.  To fail this time round without an attempt of making the best of things, is only going to throw all this belief they've had back in their face.  There's that and one other reason:  if I'm doing IB all over again, then surely the things that are covered are going to the same topics, only differing in the options topic of particular subjects, right? 

Either way, I should start working like my life ends here - which metaphorically it could, where all ends all. 

I don't feel so well, I spent the past hour crying down the phone to Josh, who is sadly leaving for France over the weekend, of all the things I've been so hyped on, the fear the tension, the warped reality of it all.  I can't do it, I really can't.  It's as if I've given up inside, ready to admit that I've lost track of getting to the top of things. 

For so long I've lazed around in this imaginitive world of mine that I would make things work, and so I sat back, and watched everything as it all tumbled downhill. 

Things are so hard now, what do I do?  I hate this this newly formed me, of how I could grow so dependent on others when before all this I would ahve been perfectly capable of doing it all myself...

I'm a fool to think that I could do things worthwhile.  I feel so stupid for making the wrong choices, just can't believe I've been so blind.  For each morning that I wake up, the first thing on my mind, is always to set things right again, and always the case, by teh time I return home, my morality had already eaked and has begun to slope back down again, reverting back to this lazy self once again. 

I need help.  I'm in severe trouble.  And what's worse, this new year's resolution of mine is restricting my ability to express exactly what I want to the efficiency that I would want it at. 

I'm so fed up of this, I have to bring my act together, even if I feel oh so reluctant to do it, I have to, I must. 

"I smiled, as I knew it would be my last, and I whispered goodbye, because I knew I would never see her again.  For one last time, I took another breath and shut my eyes, ready to pull the trigger."

Monday 30th November 2009

This is one of those moments where you feel that you should be doing something but just too lazy to do it.  And I hate myself for it, truly I do.  I do it on purpose, to get something else to do [blog] and convince myself that I'm busy at the moment, that I would do it later.  It won't happen anytime soon will it?  I doubt that very much. 

Tonight's concert had been good, it's had enough people in the audience as well the time for performing, all full and proper.  I was surprised, I hadn't expected it to go on for so long and for the church to be overfilled with sepctators, nothing of a similar situation has ever happened to me before. 

I can't drag this out any longer, I really wish that I could, to get the the extra work out of the way, but there's still that reluctance to complete it all.  I think this is my new main reason for why I hate myself so much, making the wrong decisions, doing hardly working instead of working hardly. 

I mentioned new main reason, right?  Don't know why I said that, the situation now has blinded me from seeing my previous one.  I wish I could just go back in time, to keep on track during yr12 so that I don't have to panic so much and do little for this year.  I really wish I could do that.  If the chance arrives, I'm taking it. 

But it won't happen though, will it? 

Sunday 29th November 2009

I wasn't completely sure whether going to Leicester was a good thing to do, considering that it just seemed as if I was using it as something to do instead of work.  I really shouldn't do this, it's going against my moral fibres. 

Things haven't been fully satisfying over this weekend, it's left me anxious and afraid, stressed out so much to the extent that I don't know what to do anymore.  I had all the cards, and I've just played them out wrongly, recovering what I've lost out on is going to be an impossible uphill struggle. 

But noentheless, if I'm crashing out, I go out with something to be proud of.

Saturday 28th November 2009

November, gone.  Just like that. And already there's this crappy feeling I get from the oncoming Christmas.  I don't mean to say that I dislike it, just this lazy, can't be bothered sort of mood is looming over me.  I don't know what's happening, my brain's given up on trying to concentrate on things, I feel reluctant to do what's best for me.  I'm losing the will to survive on just this. 

The reason I'm still awake at this time of day this morning is solely because I'm waiting for my HDD to be formatted.  It's taken me 4 hours so far, I didn't think that my laptop would take so long in doing anything like this does. 

My eyes are getting heavier, I can no longer keep them open against their will, my physical stamina has been beaten by the tiredness that my ody has endured.  I think the same goes for my brain too. 

But moving onto another point - having an extra person at my house when I'm supposedly teaching Evee hasn't made it as awkward as I had anticipated, which is a shame, things would have gone a lot more interesting...  There were things I had realised though, the way that Adam changes his tone of voice, and composure let's not forget, it makes things go so much more subtly. 

But I'll leave things at that, I don't want to think too much on things right now, maybe one day I'll find the opportune moment to write a decent blog entry.  I think for now, I should nap for a while until this formatting is all done. 

Night to all xxx

Friday 28th November 2009

As I sat listening to the quartet play their Mendelssohn in A minor, it made me remember how I was in the last quartet I was in, and it was good.  I looked back at the things that I did in this little world of music, the amount hasn't been miniscule, and this for me was an awe. 

It makes me realise, that however much I move there are bound to be things that I will be reluctant to leave behind, even if it were a subconcious act. 

But I can't allow myself to wallow in my reminisces, at least nt now, I have new plans in place, starting with sleep. 

Thursday 26th November 2009

I can finally get a proper load of work getting going underway.  Now with a boost in morality and soon, bonus hours for sleep, this can only be good.  Yet with things moving on at a better pace, this depression still looms over me, like it has nowhere else to go. 

This habit of mine to fear for the worst, to some extent it would actually be better for me to think like that, to get things over and done with.  But like my friends have told me, it's an unhealthy way of life.  I don't see any way to prevent this from happening, how could I change these ways? 

I wouldn't want to change them, not just yet at least, for there are many other thigns that I prioritise for the sake of my future. 

It's times like these where I wish I would stop blogging, to stop me from thinking too deep into things, finding patterns in things that are just coincidentally placed.  Not saying that my posts express some sort of deep thought but for me it has enabled me to sit back and see the full picture as I outline things. 

Well, life is going just as mediocre as before, let's hope that a few more 'fine's will get me through the rest of it. 

Wednesday 25th November 2009

I had second thought about going out this evening, purely because I was fully aware that I had recieved another concern though this time from music and on top of that, music is exactly what I have first thing the next day.  Going out would mean that I would minimise time for me to actually be able to complete all of the due work for the following day. 

But it's all doable, and I will finish it all.  Some day. 

Tuesday 24th November 2009

Tried to do my maths homework in time, but instead ended up relying solely on other people's ability to do calculus - differentiation to be more specific.  I can't believe it, I may as well jsut go with my gut instinct about what I should do with each question, they seemed to be right in the first plave anyway...  How annoying. 

Well I'm going to end this day on a bright note, not much use in me going out with friends if I'm not in the mood.  I should probably go to sleep now too, or I'll be asleep throughout the movie... 

Night all xxx

Monday 23rd November 2009

I had myself actually bothered to want to do my work, but the food was ready and waiting for me; it was precisely this that had gotten me off the mood.  I hadn't worked until 7, only for it to be disrupted by The Grudge, leaving me to finishing my work at 3. 

I thought to myself, that since I don't have english on a Tuesday morning, I'd be able afford to spend an extra two hours awake, right? 

So here it is, the products of what I've done; half a page of psychology notes.  Great achievement.

Sunday 22nd November 2009

I thought that if I was ever given the chance to relearn everything, I'd not take it for granted ever again - and I still believe that I would do just the same now.  I had started my maths work thinking to myself that I could finish it tonight but found that I couldn't answer a single one of them. 

The depressing thought then came to me - if this is what's going to be like in the exam I dread to think how miserably I'd fail IB.  The sheer thought of this possibility had scared me, pushing me to the verge of tears.  OK, maybe it's because of my habit of exaggerating and fearing for the worst, but for me, at this moment in time, it's seems so real. 

I don't want to fail this, it would mean that I've wasted two years of my life, ruining my future all in all.  If I throw in the towel now, I could just go remove myself of existence. 

Time is running out, and I'm here putting my work off for the sake of posting a blog...

Saturday 21st November 2009

To think that everything would be possible, but when time arrives providing that opportunity we're never reallly that bathoered to do it.  Even when there's literally nothing left to do there's still this sense of reluctance of wanting to finish the work, most of which you would have told yourself to have done days before. 

I want to go to so many places in the near future, but the thing that sticks out to me is how much it will cost me to do it all.  Like I mentioned before, my money's gradually being drained from me and now I have very little left.  For all the effort into attempting to save up for next year, it all goes for when an occassion arrives, setting me right back to the very beginning. 

But that's enough complaining, I should watch what I say especially that now I'm not even bothering to do anyhting to try and fix all this.  I just wish things are going good for me that's all.  For me, I think it's this constant failure that I'm facing that's damagining my motivation to work.  I feel just so demoralised and empty; it's a hollow feeling.

Now for something that I promised myself a couple of days ago - to get to sleep at an earlier time.  True it's particularly late but at least it's earlier.  I must go.  

Friday 20th November 2009

New Moon is out today, hopefully I'd be able to afford to see it next Wednesday.  You can always tell when Christmas is getting nearer, only one look at the drop in your savings is enough to tell you it's begun.  Over the past two weeks, I've somehow been able to whittle my bank account to almost nothing. 

But enough of those worries, my main intention of writing today's blog is to express my concern of this state of mind I've been in lately; as if the past week hadn't been bad enough, today had pushed me to my limits.  Even though I was tired and not in the mood to physically talk to people, gloom lingered over me, depressing me even more so. 

These promises that I make to myself, I should really keep to them, and not bend them.  I should really get to bed at what people call a normal time, not earlier.  That should at least do wonders to my welfare. 

Thursday 19th November 2009

This evening had been quite laid-back, even though I am aware that I could have used this time as a chance to work on the work that's due in for next week - that was when my laziness got to me. Again.

There really isn't any point to being hard on myself, it doesn't do a great deal to get me to do what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do.  It's frustrating enough, as though that I've become immune to this constant telling off, the effect of it no longer affecting me in any way. 

There's nothing left to say here, I'm just not in the mood right now.  I'm going to bed.

2 Reviews 6 Hours

It seems pretty long to be in college for, considering that I only have 2 reviews scheduled. Been trying to come up with things to do to take up all the time that I have to myself whilst waiting for my music lesson. This isn't working well. There will eventually come a point where you've done everything you had planned to do and in the end there's nothing else left to do.

So here I am, wallowing in the midst of total boredom. I could do some more work, that way I wouldn't find myself with a barrage of constant complaints I always seem have ready at hand to launch. The thing is though, I really can't be bothered to do it. There's this sense of reluctance that deters me from doing such a thing thus leading me to a full circle.

What do I do? I'll see what time has in for me, I'll just sit and wait.

Wednesday 18th November 2009

I sat here for an entire evening, struggling to do even the simplest of maths problems.  How stupid I must feel right now, to know that I can't even do a 3 mark calculus question, it eats away at your morality.

I dislike it.

On the bright side, however, I had been pretty down on the fact that I did have a go at someone and had feared that the friendship woud have ended there and then.  After all, it is my nature to assume the worst should happen for every case possible.  It's taken a while for it to heal up, eventually to be spoken to after a break of silence, had elated me.

Whilst there were still many other problems on my mind, my upset had been lifted, and I should say, by a great amount. I had implied during the time I lost my temper, that I wouldn't take the initiative to make ammendments to this friendship any longer, that I wouldn't bother unless I get that effort back. Now, it's begun, resuming life as though none of it ever happened.

All this waing around though, has taken quite a bit of time. I come to understand this, as being the first to break the silence is often one of the worst experiences you will ever get. It makes you feel awkward and there's always the two possible outcomes; one that will relieve you from your most feared worries, and one that will make certain of doom.

There's one thing I have to thank Steven for, and let that be the thing called patience. I used to be patient once. I abandoned the idea as soon as I started college, because I came to notice that everyone was out their for their own personal gain, it was only right for me to take all and leave nothing so that I could have time to myself to consider what I need to live on. But throughout that past year, I've been trying to find a happy medium between the two, a medium that I myself would be content with. Though the search continues, following what seems an endless path, but at least it makes me believe that I'm getting clser to it. That illusion alone is enough for me.

But now, I grow tired of this fighting over things, not when it's definitely unecessary but I know I have to keep my guard, or I'll be taken advantage of.

How stupid of me, to think that I could ever be of a use for anyone.

Rethinking My Decisions

I think that there is a certain amount work to do about this piece of english coursework.  By that, I meant a great deal of work needs to be put into it.  I just started reading over it and I think that it's pretty mediocre to me.  What can I do better about it? 

I've noticed this lately, that I'm not appreciating the standard of my work, always thinking that it's not going to be good enough.  There also comes a certain point in time that I'm hard on myself, thinking how stupid of me about the way I devise my work to play ratio. 

It's getting ridiculous and I know that, trying to enforce this new schedule comes across a hell of a lot harder than I had initially thought.  Now, is only the beginning of the realisation of the amount of effort that I would need to put in, and that is exactly what I will aim to do. 

I'll get there, eventually. 

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, nor for a fact that why I wanted to do this in the first place.  I think that it's the thought that there would be so many opportunities open for me to choose.  This is what had clouded my judgement, making me blind of the fact that there would be so much work that I would have to dedicate myself to.  How much of a fool I am to do this...

Josh

I know, I know, I've already titled an entry Josh once before but hey, that was last year. 

A persistent advance onto what which rejects
Passionately embracing what does not accept
Formiddable composure though means nothing to me
Suggestible advice though nothing new

Oh the things you anticipate, what you expect from me
Could never have been better. 

I come to lower my guard, not only for you but those who follow through.  You've gone through a lot to do what you did, I really appreciate that.  How do I show that?  Well... you know better than I.

Draining My Mind Before I Go To Bed

There are times when people saying a specific something, that sparks this spur of emotions inside of you and it makes you feel funny.  This is good, it makes you realise things, those that you don't usually come up with in your daily usual life.

It gives you time, to sit back and reflect, the reasons of you own actions, to realise the consequences and outcome of that causation.  I think, we humans sway too much towards the lazy side, always seem to be put off by the very thought that putting effort into reaching something better isn't worth it if you can get it ready-made.  That's called laziness and we all have it.

There are times where you have to go and get a move on, to see the sights of wherever you go, to experience whatever life throws at you, never stopping in the middle of something only to get back to it later on.  Things you start must be finished, or you won't have learnt the whole lesson.

OK, I think I'm starting to state random things now and probably isn't going to make sense the instance I wake up and read this the second time round.  That's good, it's at least showing me my subconcious state of mind, typing up whatever keys my fingers want to press, to post things up in raw form without any thought put into it, to process it, to synthesise it.  It's raw thought at it's best, or so I believe.

The subconcious state of mind - almost a surrealstic dimension, a world full of reality's impossibilities, imaginations so vivid that they begin to leak into even the concious state of mind.  To be able to remember these dreamlike memories, to be able to recall them and use them for when your creativity requires them, I consider as one of our prized traits.

I love how my mind can get so scattered, I just recalling what I've put just then, dotting things around but never around the same point, all differing in some slight way.

I turned on the radio only just, to the sound of drum and bass.  I had forgotten the wonders and the warmth about what the radio present to me, to experience them once again, to know that it isn't the last time it will happen, can remove some of this insanity that goes through my head.

There's something else I want to say, but to add it on to the end of this note seems wrong and doesn't fit the criteria and purpose of this blog entry.  I shall make a third one for today.

Monday 16th November 2009

I've come to the conclusion that things have definitely turned for the worst.  With my ability to prioritise things it's for certain that I won't be able to pass this course at all.  Fail. 

I think, that with all this procrastinating that I've been doing for the past year, it's really getting out of hand for me and I am aware that I keep going on about this point, but I don't think I'll get the mssage just by saying it once, no.  To repeat so often that it bores the hell out of me, that is going to stay in my mind and hopefully eventually become independent of all this putting things off. 

It's interesting, the fact that I'm known for getting out of tight spots and narrow escape routes, let's see how well I manage to cheat my life out of this imminent doom. 

I look forward to this challenge. 

Sunday 15th November 2009

I couldn't help but to let myself go distracted beyong control.  I knew I had to stop, but I couldn't stop it.  I knew I couldn't go any farther, but that was exactly what I did.  There are things in this world where you just can't win it - given the specific circumstances, of course. 

I think's me but over this past weekend, there's something that's stopping me fromt thinking too intensively, as I had found out when I sat down to start working.  I couldn't focus at all, it's like I was juststaring at the words printed on the paper before me.  I could read it, but I couldn't process it and that annoyed me. 

I wish I could get out of this condition, to be able to do so much more. 

But I think my laziness speaks on behalf of my destiny, what is there worth fighting over? 

Saturday 14th November 2009

After my brief over my A Level mock results, I had decided to wander off into Birmingham, shortly after being getting a text from one of my friends.  I was off to see him and he greeted me in his usual manner, launching himself at me so that I just about manage to stay on my feet:

You feel so cold, I actually think you can't cope with it any longer.  Here, let me help.  

The one line that's made me realise that I was completely dependent on others.  I realised this as he hugged me once again but this time, showing no intention of releasing.  What was I to do?  It wouldn't have mattered anyway, for there were so many people around that it is somewhat difficult to notice, especially if there are street performers around.  


I've lost my track of thought, Josh was just trying to drag me off to somewhere.  Can't get back into the zone, maybe I'll bring it up later on in the next few days...  


Maybe. 

Friday 13th November 2009

There's a slight lift in the workload, but when I come to think about it, more and more tasks begin to dawn on me, one by one, eating away at all the time I have to myself over the weekend. 

Well, I haven't a choice, to be honest, whatever work that needs to be done must be accomplished for the deadline set, priorities to be set, placing duty before personal fulfilments.  This is what I believe, ultimately, I wouldn't care less to what people think of that, so long as it works, it's enough for me to survive. 

Now, I'm not saying as long as something gets the job done, it doesn't mean that it doesn't need to be any better or to be improved upon.  I would like to think that, if time comes for you to fully appreciate what benefits it brings to you, that is when it can do more.  For me, I do see reason behind deadlines, but the fact that people misuse this system of punishment, it deters me from wanting to do any more. 

What is this, a lack of motivation?  Slowly being demoralised by every day that passes by...  How depressing. 

Thursday 12th November 2009

I've been spending the entire night completely pressured to get my work completed.  I set my mind to doing as much work as I can.  This is the problem which I would like to complain about; just when you think that all that work that had needed to be done, they throw a whole load more and let you drown in it. 

Oh the wonders.  English coursework almost done.

Wednesday 11th Novemeber 2009

Well, wokr is lifting off, slowly but steadily and I'm happy for that.  I think that there are times were you just have to be patient and endure whatever life throws at you, even if things don't seem to end.  All I have left is a music investigation, extneded essay and english coursework to do.  They're the only additional work that I need to do, after that, I could be free... 

Aha, free?  When college still has so many months to go?  Don't be silly. 

I can feel that things are beginning to work out the way I want it to, if not immediate, then a gradual shift towards that.  From this, it's giving me hope to actually be willing to do the work I have, after all, the only thing holding me back is my laziness, nothing else. 

That's what I should do, I've set my mind to do work for so long, I haven't even started yet.  Yeah, maybe I should. 

Tuesday 10th November 2009

"hm... you in a good mood today?!" -  a realisation came to me as I began to think about it when Evee had brought this up.  There was this sense of elation and yet there was something that was keeping me in the darkest of pits.  I felt hollow inside as though there was a void.  I still feel as if everything's crashing down. 

I keep on going about the workload  have and yes in actualy fact it's a lot, but now when I'm listing these things, it's as if it's shortened in quantity, by a great deal, which alone is comforting enough. 

Having to stay up for most of the night for the sake of work, only to drop dead in the middle of doing something really isn't the way to be going about college regime, it can tire the hell out of you.  Wednesday's supposedly this free day that we have, but it seems pretty full to me, maybe because I let myself partake in too many activities, but I wouldn't like to think that. 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow nonetheless, it should hold some surprises for me, whatever they may be. 

Monday 9th November 2009

The day where I thought I was free - I have all that extra work to do.  How I love the fact that work seems to have developed a hobby in ambushing me evry now and then to remind me that that's not the last I'd hear of it. 

I can't wait until this is all over, the things I could just abandon and not think about any longer, the extremity of freedom that I could taste for the first time ever.  So many wonders that life could bring... 

But first, I'll have to pass this and for that, I will need to start slaughtering myself to get these grades. 

Sunday 8th November 2009

To my surprise, a great deal of work had been done over this weekend, and to my surprise, there's still a ton of it left to do.  It's like the dichotomy paradox - however much work I do that contributes to finishing my workload, there's still half as much to go through. 

I spent today recovering the hours of sleep I lost in the past week, hoping that I would regain sufficient energy to last me the following week.  I was wrong.  After 12 hours of sleeping, I still felt as if something was holding me down.  When I got up, my head was hit so hard I began to lose consciousness.

Nonetheless, I have recovered from all that, and now, hoping to meet tomorrow's deadlines.  I would like to have finished the majority of my work by this week, then I would be able to wind down somehow and it'll be just revision all the way...

That's not going to happen though, is it?

Saturday 7th November 2009

It's such a nice feel to actually do work in your free time, it really is.  Sad as it may seem, but it's great knowing that I'm once again working off that workload that's been piling up for so long.  It makes me think, why did I choose to procrastinate, and to leave it at such a late stage?  Now I'm here having to play catch up and learning the things that are currently being taught. 

It's not nice to complain, I know that.  For me, I think it's a newfound way for me to leak out some of this hatred I have for various things.  It's frustrating, not being able to express something in the way you want to, simply because it would impose harm to someone or something.  For now, channeling anger through second choices will have to do, I mean, it's not proving itself to be too dissatisfying. 

I want my friend.  Where is he? 

Friday 6th November 2009

I finished the concert somewhat late into the night, leaving me very little time to do the work I had promised myself to have complete by Monday.  I felt especially tired, my head beginning to whirr louder and louder for every moment that passed on my way home, to feel glad that it went as I got of the bus. 

I may have to extend more deadlines I think, just because my doubts of completing everything through the weekend is growing more and more.  I have to admit though, after my presentation it seems as if I had a lot gotten off of my shoulders, now making things so much easier to do without that burden. 

Thursday 5th November 2009

FINALLY!  There is some use to my blog after all, but probably wasn't intended on writing it out day after day for just one piece of italian homework...  Actually, maybe not today's blog entry, as I can't help but drift of to sleep. 

Once again on here, I spend another night lamenting on how tired I am and so on and so forth.

I thought that by increasing the number of hours of sleep would contribute somewhat towards regaining my energy but instead, it's taken quite the opposite effect.  I feel even more tired than I was before, so much worse off that how I had been for the past few days. 

Really, really tired...  I'm going to bed.

Wednesday 4th Novemeber 2009

It's been one of those days where you've just managed to drag yourself through the day only to get home to sit through piles of work that needs to be done the very next day. 

I don't remember much from what had happened today, only those events which were quite unexpected (the chess match, of course, how I forget the chess).  There was also the recalling of tiredness too, probably because I spend day after day talking about it that it's now become second nature to complain about lack of energy. 

What I've realised about this presentation of mine, is that it's so easy to come up with an argument for and against anything and everything, the difficult part is deciding what kind of argument it is. 

Life can drag so much when you're hating it.  I want out. 

Tuesday 3rd Novemeber 2009

Today's been a little bit on the mediocre side, I don't know about it.  I'm guessing it's all this lack of sleep that's been making me feel inadequate for college.  But nonetheless I must attend so that I can get my EMA and not to have to worry about catching up with the work I've missed.  Tuesday's a long long day, for me at least. 

Things are beginning to tire me even more by the day and my stamina can only last for so long until I drop.  Constantly drfiting off to an unconcious state of mind, with hardly anything going through my head at all throughout the day, I feel as if I'm never going to wake up again. 

But I have to, for the sake of maintaining my future.  It's become something of a fight for survival, ignoring the costs that are eating away at me in my current state.  I can't wait for this week to be over, then I'd be able to have so much more free time on my hands. 

Monday 2nd November 2009

I felt so tired today, beyond the point where I would care about anything for any longer.  I didn't want to have to do anything at all, with my mind fully occupied by my extended essay which, by sheer luck, the deadline has been extended for at least another week.  I had my theory of knowledge presentation in mind too as well as my psychology coursework and english world literature, all due supposedly by this week. 

I swore to myself that I'd get to work as soon as I got home but only to indulge myself in the conversations on msn - how easily distracted I am, how easy it is to get me away from work.  It's as if I've developed an automatic repellence to anything work related which strikes me unusual, I used to love doing all this.  Maybe, there's a lack of motivation within me now, like I have begun considering giving up on the whole course and have already subconciously starting to let go of my future plans. 

I want to get my health back up first though and let my mind think that litle bit clearer before I make certain that I don't want to do this anymore. 

Fare thee well, I depart to bed.

Sunday 1st November 2009

To hell with homework - my extended essay and theory of knowledge presentation is enough to keep me awake for days on end. 

Still, there are these teachers, they expect so much, if not too much from us; as if we're able to achieve such drastic goals, targets so extreme just because there lays a half term to do it all in.  They forget though, there are five other subjects also setting work for the half term along with the extra work I have already complained about at the begnning of my blog.  And once unable to meet these expectations, they are disappointed that we cannot meet their standards and tell us as they have told us many times before, we're not doing the minumum amount of work required. 

I think that, and maybe it varies with other people, it's not the student who is at major fault for all of this, it's the matter of teachers scheduling us overtime to do their subject's studies, assuming that everything is within capability to accomplishing. 

I'm not done ranting, but more so on here will result into a very picky me.  I withdraw the remainder of my comments on this. 

Changing the topic. 

Once again, Christmas is approaching.  I don't know what to do for it.  I have three cards made so far and that took me a month, so not sure how I'm supposed to get it done for all those I have meant to make one for.  I probably may have to put off doing them for now too, I would like to take that time out to do some catching up. 

Perhaps that one day that I will be able to let go of myself completey, and not having to worry about anything anymore.  It's one of my longing wishes, to get everything over with and finally get the chance to get away for myself. 

It could be like when I was a child, seeing snow for the first time in Alaska, wondering of nothing but where it came from...

Saturday 31st October 2009

Time is moving on so quickly, it's astonishing.  I wish I hadn't wasted a whole year, now a coud of pessimism lies overhead. 

I can't think straight, and that's the very things that's putting me off from wanting to do any more work.  I can't do it all for the next week, let alone Monday.

So many.  No.  Too many...

[A time to organise some thoughts]

I'm starting to doubt whether the half term was a good thing or not, whether if it was the cause of stopping my brain from processing or allowing me more time to get on top of my work and regain some of my health back.

There's something I'm content with though, rediscovering my sense of belonging, remembering the things that I thought I had lost forever, to realise once again the feeling of such blissfulness that is love.

This isn't love, as in the one definition in which most people stereotype it as, but more so of a love for friends and family, as well as those significant to oneself.  There's a kick to relationships, like some sort of drug, letting our minds escape to some far off realm with hopes and dreams.

What a thing to believe in. 

I must go, my focus isn't here.

Friday 30th October 2009

I was extremely tired today, my concentration had fled from me, leaving me in some vegetative state.  I couldn't process the things I took in today, my senses were numbed and couldn't find anything that could revive them.  I was literally dead but conscious. 

I'm worried for myself - I had dream last night, that I was killing of my family one by one, saying sorry in return.  Thinking back to it, I think I was in an emotional turmoil, where I forced myself into doing it, even with a great repulsive force holding me back.  I had tears pouring onto the corpses as I knelt in the middle of the massacre, crying to myself. 

My theory about dreams is that, if you remember it, then there's definitely something your mind is curious about and desires to know what will happen after that.  And this is the very thought that's sending shivers down my spine; am I to return to this horror, for the sake of seeing what would happen next, even if it's not real?  And if so, is that increasing my intention (not that I am aware of yet) of comitting such homicidal acts? 

This is what scares me - my own imaginations and what-ifs, it's haunting my mind, making me halucinate.  Why haven't I been diagnosed of some mental disorder?  Are those symptons simply not strong enough? 

I guess, the way I've been brought up, they've set me on the right path, to make me feel that taking one's life was wrong, and this repulsiveness I've been shown can alone prevent me from doing such things, however many times I consider them to be possible options. 

I used to be a fair person, and I still am, but I realise that I'm being selective about who to treat fairly, because I know there are people who can change to cause less friction, and those who will just take advantage, remaining still in their own state of mind, stubborn to alter any aspect of themselves. 

But to end on a brighter tone - I've become increasingly close to a few friends of mine, Sam and Josh especially.  Sam for giving up her time to support me and Josh for lifting those negative emotions from me.  I have to thank them and hand it to them, such stability and endurance, it's something I've greatly admired. 

Then why was I ever given loyalty and reliability?  Sure, I don't talk a lot, and I do pay respects to people at any cost, but I see myself more of a flawed person - severely flawed.  Allow me to explain; for my friends that are 1) very close and 2) faint acquaintances, they've placed such a high price on me.  But, those in between, have always jokingly expressed their doubts over trusting me, even as a joke, I still don't like it. 

"Oh, it's just Darren, it'll be fine." - comes to mind, again.  Being a listener for people has it's good traits I know, but there's a price to it.  You can become the punchbag too. 

Now this is the sort of thinking I really would like to make a habit of, so that I could sharpen my senses.  To know that things can happen, and the fact that it could go completely the other way.  I'm not saying things are reversible, it's not, what I am saying though is that you can cause just as much of an impact - whether it be damage or aid - to the one (or anyone else if you manage to apply it) that's causing an impact on you. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's all wrong but I'll stick to it for now, see how it goes. 

Thursday 29th October 2009

I felt so stressed today, panicing about so many different things that could possibly happen to me, having the fear that I wouldn't be able to pass IB and knowing that I would have wasted away 2 whole years of my life, delaying my dreams even more - how depressing the thought. 

All these worries built up in my head over the past few days in this half term, and I was afraid, so so afraid, that I would one day just break down for no apparent reason, eventually resulting in an isolated me.  It's almost reaching that point, I can sense it - for some reason, I'm finding every single thing offensive; what people say and do, what's been happening to me recently, what will happen to me in the future, even Josh proved to be somewhat provokative today as he wrapped himself around me. 

But he knew what to do, an uphill struggle to relieve me from this state of mind and actually managed to calm me down. 

I think about tw days ago, I talked about looking out for certain qualities within particular people, how do I go about this then?  I have to admit, I'm scared of getting myself involved with any form of infatuation again, from the experience I had not long ago.  And another thing - what orientation do I consider myself now?  For all this time since I've been singled out of a relationship, the shock of it has wedged me into a non-preference position, feeling no proper love from anyone I know of. 

There're so many things I have in mind, most of them I can't even put into words - I don't want to, for the fear that I could convey the wrong message.  I wouldn't really want to be ready for any further criticism, as I'm in an easily-offended state at the moment, too fragile of a mind. 

I guess, this is some connection to the delicate atmosphere created at Symphony Hall - how I miss it so much already...

Wednesday 28th october 2009

For those who haven't seen UP yet, I tell you now, it's a very emotional film, one of those where you'd go "aww" to and probably even shed a tear or two, considering it's an animation film that's a really big achievement. 

This I think has built up on the mood I've been put in by the concert the night before, it's made me take a step back and absorb everything in able amounts, nothing too overwhleming.  I think, with all of this, it's made me see the world in a different light, not completely different, it's a different feel, influenced by my past paradigm. 

All I've been able to do now, for whenever something occurs and hurts me, is smile back, both acknowledging and preventing themselves from finding out that they've caused any harm to me, knowing that they're totally unaware and are innocent of it. 

Tuesday 27th October 2009

The day I had anticipated had arrived.  The sounds I heard in that concert hall, will never be replicated ever again outside those walls.  It's sad, to know that as an absolute fact.  Those experiences, emotions and memories that resurface during that performance, it's all been a once in a life-time opportunity.

I spent that encore moment finding ways of taking most of that experience with me, hoping that it would last me for quite some time, for years even.  And I have.

I was in a completely different mood after that performance, I could take thing in no matter how fast they were thron at me.  All but one thing; that delicate atmosphere, with so many hours' worth of effort put in to creating that, crippled by the harshness of the reality of this world.  I won't stand to that, I'm ready to keep that special moment with me at all times, and never let go. 

[Returning from the airport]

New things everyday - even though I was fully aware of Josh's habits of invading intimate spaces I never expected he would constrict me and pin me against the wall.  This has made me realise something; people look for so many different things in love, with some qualities found only in a boy, or girl.  This is why, I think, and my theory, is that whatever sexual orientation you are all depends what you're trying to look for in terms of love.  Maybe you're tha way because that's the only way you're ever going to find it, or maybe that it flares a better chance of getting what you so very desired.

This me totally caught up in this haze, confused and confounded in the midst of what I want and need.  To write this blog now, with the music I'm listening to now, it just sits so well.

So here I end on probably one of the best tones I could possibly could at this moment in life; I'm just so glad that my christmas present came at just the right time.  I thank everyone who made this happen, it's done me wonders.

Yours Faithfully

Darren

Monday 26th October 2009

I can't help but notice that things have deadened slightly, this must be what abandonment is like.  I'm not just saying that because I want to be spoilt, more of the fact that I dislike this feel of emptiness.

How hopeless of me to think that I could have such a thing, when clearly it is impossible.  It's like what my friend had told me before, I try too hard to get next to nothing and little on the things that I need.

What a depressing thought that just went through my mind then; I just saw a life without anyone to be there with me.

This is why I should stop blogging, it gets too much to surface.

Sunday 25th October 2009

It's cold out here, and I don't like it.  Last year they were saying how every household should reduce their room temperature to 20 degrees, and this year, it's 18.  Are we supposed to be slowly freeze to death in order to save on electricity and decrease global warming?  If so, it's getting rather ridiculous. 

But I don't just mean cold as in temperature cold - there's this sense of bitterness about me and it's been around for quite a while now.  It's made me despise everything that's happened recently, totally not appreciating what wonders they bring. 

I embrace it still for when it happens, and that's all I'll be showing to people who see me.  I need to keep in mind though, I know that when I get time to myself I'll start to develop an unreasonable hatred for whatever it may be.  I need to save myself, something I should have said a long long time ago. 

I hate it when I do this, to put things off to a later date when clearly it has to be done ages before the actual deadline.  I don't like how I organise things, it's not efficient enough.  I'm going to stop complaining, it's hinging my thoughts on how find solutions to them. 

Saturday 24th October 2009

This extended essay of mine is turning out to be a lot harder than I had once though it would be, to even decide on a subject is difficult enough and I need to be able to conclude my investigation within 4000 words of presenting information.

The thought of having to do so much, in a space of a week, it's seemingly impossible to accomplish everything.  I'm going to end up overworking myself, or at least, tiring in some way. 

I must sleep, clocks go back an hour today, and I intend to use that to my advantage.

Friday 23rd October 2009

To have consecutive sleep-deprived nights on one of the busiest weeks of my college life is not a good combination.  The half term is almost here, I have one more day of being reminded of my A Level future and then I can start catching up with my sleep. 

There's sleep and then there's work - there's simply so much that's due in after the half term break that I can't simply wind down straight away, I need to finish the majority of the work I need to do first, before I start thinking of doing something new to me. 

Where the IB would lead my life to I've no idea, but I have the impression that it's not going to be a good one.  I have been contemplating switching higher and standard levels around, psychology and music respectively.  I think in this way as I am concerned about my chances of passing this course, the only comfort I can get is from teh mock exams in December - hopefully if I am able to get my grades up and the fact that they look better, then it may spark some chance of me getting even better with it. 

I doubt that though, I doubt it very much, as I don't think that I'll ever be able to change that much to make so much of a difference. 

There aren't many things on my mind at the moment, probably because I feel so tired and that my mind's not functioning properly to be able to stay so focused on one things and follow it through.  It can get so frustrating, I need some rest before my lesson tomorrow morning, would like to end my academic period knowing that I can do well in one subject...

Half Term is Almost Here

So much for a half term, teachers have purposefully piled up a whole load of work to over the burdened week in the hope that we wouldn't forget what we've learnt so far in our little IB period. 

Thursday 22nd October 2009

I think that I've put too much off to the last minute, things are piling up. So now I'm left with two choices - either attempt to speed up like I've tried for the past week and make little difference, or drop this stuff off and start afresh.

One thing I want to ask about - why give me options to choose from that if I choose the "wrong one", I get complaints back? It's like this idea of free will, which I'm still unsure about, but I have a feeling that I'm gravitating towards the deterministic argument somewhat.

There's so much coursework to do and I have essays to write. Again, with this procrastinating thing, I think I'm stuck in quite deep. Things should need to be done...

Compiti Italiano

The only time where I manage to do my independent study for Italian at home, I leave it there. Maybe it's a sign or something, that I should only do it when I get into college...

How wasteful of time it is to have something predetermined like that.

But fear no more, I have managed to venture into Moodle and hunt down the piece of homework to print off. Sometimes you just have to be thankful that your teacher goes through all this fuss in putting our work online when you already have an existing copy of it.

I think that we all take it for granted at some point of our lives. Not fully appreciating every single little thing that every one else seems to 'contribute' to the efficiency of whatever functions may be. Then again, I don't have the time to pay that much attention to everything all at once.

I must be off, I can't be late for Italian two times in a row, that's just going to ruin my punctuality reputation.

Wednesday 21st October 2009

I'm fed up of having to redo all of my work, especially if it's going to be due in for TOMORROW. I don't want to have to do it all again, simply because it's all so time consuming and I have another ton of work to do due in for the near future.

Then why do I constantly waste the time where I could be doing my work then? Because I need a break, I'm feeling the stress levels building back up again with only the thought that one day all these deadlines will be lifted from me and I would be able to breeze my revision, in my own time.

I'm in need of more time. Maybe by cutting short of my time on here would help contribute to that wish.

Tuesday 20th October 2009

What dawned on me today was the amount of work that needed to be done by Christmas. It's only then when I would finally get a chance to lift the most of the weight from off of me and just purely revise all the way to the exams.

It would be such a great feel, to know that I can start getting things under my own control.

For now, I must finish everything else off, in the hope that I could free myself up earlier than anticipated...

Monday 19th October 2009

Symptoms of insomnia are showing up, for the past few days I have realised that I've barely slept at all, and look at the time now - 3am. I have college tomorrow, what am I doing?

I was suppose to set my mind on work, but the hunger had gotten the better of me. I should stop wasting time now, need to get back to the wonders that are my essays and whatnot.

Follow The Crowd

The bad things about me, the criticisms of me, the prejudices put upon me.

All these things I can eventually find a way around, to eventually manage to manipulate them and use them to my advantage rather than trying to fix it. Sure, there are things that definitely need to be fixed, like severe procrastination, but it's still good for me to keep those traits for when it comes in handy, right?

Why am I even asking, I know what to do already, I've set my mind onto it.

I used to think that if you're different to everyone else in some form or another, you try and show them to the best of your ability that it can be used for good. But I've realised through my years worth of life experiences, that there are also people who think just the same and follow the same concept too, thus leaving neither side satisfied with what they have achieved.

So this is what I propose - if the majority of the population believes that something of mine does not conform to their usual homeostatic lives, and that I fail to make them understand and embrace my paradigm of seeing the good in my unusualness, I may as well go along with what they think and keep it all to myself, knowing that I know that it's good for me still.

I shouldn't mould myself into something others would prefer me to be, for the sake of letting them complain some more and telling me to change those "last few details" they've said repeatedly for the past few years or so.

It's not worth it all, it's like I'm told to clean the floor, done it, and no one notices until they see a "you missed a spot" moment.

What? There's no more to say on this matter now, anyhting else I'd rather keep to myself to save myself from what I anticipate, rants and criticisms. Now that I've mentioned that, I'm guessing there are people now feeling more reluctant to do just that.

Sunday 18th October 2009

OK, there have been people that I have purposefully pushed away for the fact that I find them either off-putting or pestering, but there's this thing of loathing turning into fondness about and I seem to be finally understanding this concept.

After an entire fortnight of contemplating of activating my visa card, I finally come around it, despite the issues I'm having at home at the moment, it's going to be pretty hard to get out of the house unless it's for educational purposes.

What issues, you may wonder, I've only just found out where my dad resides. This is an emotional overturn for me, even though it does spark family disputes once again. I for one shall leave it at that, no one seems to like this to leak out any further than a few friends.

Saturday 17th October 2009

It's all settled - I'm having none of it now. I am certain of who remains at which distance, these second chances and however many more chances I gave.

This regressing as they so like to call it, is fixing myself. If they don't like it, then move on.

Friday 16th October 2009

I thought that it would have been a good idea for me today to be following the Metro's horoscope's advice. I was in a good mood and so thought that I could do with some guidance to be this "better person" in which the Metro attempts to model its readers into:

"Don’t make fun of friend’s problems. A lighthearted attitude could see you getting into all sorts of trouble if you are not careful. Offer an ear, not an option, to keep friends on your side today."

It all seemed reasonable, keeping friends whilst getting to see issues from their point of view without interruption. I was wrong. I tried intently to listen to what people had to say about anything, without me saying a single word - I tried not to joke about things, or suggest anything for in terms of my horoscope today, that I could offend anyone.

This did not work well, even though people were marginally happy today it was the atmosphere in which they had casted around them that hurt me somewhat. I think, there was a more childish side to things that irritated me slightly at first, but after a while, I began to notice how it contrasted greatly against my own well-being. I must be overly monotonous and monochrome to be able to experience such highs. It's only right to be happy that others are happy, right? Then what was there to damage me so much? I mean, they've done nothing wrong, nothing that was intended to scar me, but still I felt hurt so much.

Then there was later on in the day, where I was directly criticized of "regressing" back to my old self, of keeping myself to me and me only. I thought the whole point of restarting a relationship was to reset the distance and intimacy level too between the people. Therefore these pacts are eventually broken too, right? If things were to be reset, then all introduced ideas are deleted, leaving us only the default to work on, like starting from scratch.

I listened with attention, taking everything in and I was able to hold back on my anger and disgrace of that moment of mistreatment.

"Oh it's Darren, it doesn't matter." - it's like I'm not supposed to be treated with fairness, that I don't deserve anything of merit or opportunity, chance or advantage. Why? Because I take things for granted, so it seems. Even when there had been times for me to return a favour that I truly owed, it never had been appreciated, my actions were dismissed, unnoticed and they move on as though nothing had happened. Oh, is it because that's just something that's normally expected from me? I'm doing my best, I do offer things when I have nothing to lose, but the criticism works just as well the other way - taking things for granted. I have attempted to lessen the unorthodox ways of my takings by actually giving something, even if little. This is what frustrates me.

I have spent, five whole years being altruistic, helping others out at the cost of my own well-being, aiding people I am not new to, I know these things well inside-out. Ever since the start of college I saw all this freedom, of what you could do for yourself, I had decided to take things for myself, I knew that everyone else would fight their own corner in their college lives, and by being altruistic in that environment I'll just be preyed upon. I had developed my greed for a reason, for my own well-being. Throughout my life in my old secondary school many have advised me to start living for myself or I'll become an easy pushover. I toughened up. Now it seems that people find me too competitive and now dislike me for doing what I want to do.

Swaying to the side of this topic now, I don't want to get too deep into all this. I felt hurt and most of all, I felt disappointment.

I saw things in a new perspective this afternoon, this mask that I had always worn when in front of these people today in Solihull, was quickly removed by the Adam's sheer timing of asking the right questions. Even if he had not planned to do it that way, I was surprised that he had found this opportune moment, it left me unsure whether I should take that moment to lift the weight from off of me, to spill a bit of that emotional bottle to postpone my regular outbursts.

I did, for about three sentences. That was about a few drops, like that would have been able to prolong my composure, but I didn't have to do the emptying, the bottle was pushed over not through my causes, but this alternate perspective that I was given. I even agreed to why it would have been done in that way, it made me feel light and fuzzy, a sort of feeling that would have been able to make me smile, but he stopped, and the activation energy had not been achieved.

This is awkward even for me, I'm developing this new form of closeness towards this friend of mine. I took time out reflecting on this whilst on the bus when I had nothing better to do. It wasn't just another person that I know of, and it wasn't just another friend of mine either. It seems to me like every other story would have told, the mistreating and hatred eventually transforming into a fondness, a predilection that I would reach out to that would make things so much easier to get to, to access.

Writing this now makes me realise another thing - this change from dislike to like, maybe because I had already liked it in the first place (And here I would have inserted a relevant Hamlet quote but I really can't be bothered), and maybe that this mistreating of me, would eventually turn out fine.

Ha! I find that hard to believe. Although it would be nice if I had an insight to Jade's mind...

Thursday 15th October 2009

My commitment to academic progress had been boosted today, people have taken a good side (if any) of me and somehow enhanced that, showing me that I could use what I'm good at and apply it to the things I don't understand.

This concept is new to me, in which, I am happy to try out. I should, I don't see what can go wrong except...

There's enough work to be doing. Why don't I start on that first?

Wednesday 14th October 2009

A vomit-free day, that's something I don't find everyday, if only. Here I am sat right next to a bin waiting for the next throw-up (which I feel is coming up soon) whilst doing my Italian homework (meanwhile writing up a blog entry).

What's in this picture? I don't know, you tell me. I'm blind enough as it is, my eyes are watering up for no reason as though I have conjunctivitis, they feel swollen. My nasal passage is congested, my throat is making me feel itchy.

I'm starving myself to death, simply because there's nothing left to eat at home and the fact that I cannot afford to eat enough for the next three days on £5 remaining. This is going to take some money-saving skills. I refuse to borrow, or an excuse can be made to attack me for when I'm targeted - it's always been the case, right?

I need to get back to my work, I need to do "more than the minimum" they say. And this I will do just that...

Tuesday 13th October 2009

Ill, so so very ill. Constantly blowing my nose, losing at least 50% of my body's moisture through tissues, I feel dehydrated.

Sick, so so very sick. Vomiting at the sight of a sink or a bin, I can't really keep up with college any more. But I need to. If I want to pass this I have to go through this with my most elite effort. I need my focus and concentration, I can't let myself slip away at just an illness.

I'm tired, I think I should retire to bed a little earlier today, just after my maths homework...

Monday 12th October 2009

Today was simply depressed, to be honestly blunt. I don't know how else to put it. I have this feeling that I could go through these two college years coming out in the end with nothing at all.

How depressing of a thought that must be. It really is by time that I get my act together. These worries are building up inside of me, going to the extremes already and this is only just the thought.

I should calm myself down, I know I have the tendency to fear for the worst, that's probably what's dragging me down to the pits.

On a bright note, I feel at ease, whether that be the wrong approach to this situation I don't seem to be able to get out of this phase. Like I mentioned a while back, bipolar characteristics, that's probably it. This is either me recovering or I've finally reached breaking point of my depression.

Sunday 11th October 2009

So my journey into looking on the brighter side of things begins right here. Whether it be that I found the sun as an aura of tranquility or listening to my songs in a completely different way. The bus ride back home was definitely alien to me, even if I do see everything on a college day.

The sun was out, and I think it was probably that that was casting some sort of enchantment upon my mood - I felt lighter.

I think I'm beginning to know my place now, to know where I should lie on this endless line that I've encountered earlier on my my life.

This must be said - I've never felt so at ease with the people today than I ever have since the beginning of college, and that's a big achievement. Ever since I started here, I knew nobody, why? Because no one else at the old secondary school had the grades to get into even a college such as this. I began to doubt, whether I was really academically intelligent, but came to terms that I was, only compared to those in my school. Nowhere else. What hopes did I have to make me think that I could get to the top of this institution, if I managed to wreck my GCSE grades with no intention of trying in my exams?

That was then. There have been new approaches, which enabled me to understand why I had ended up like that, and from those things I learnt to fix any major holes that I had. I began to understand what I did wrong and saw how narrow-minded I was back then, considering compared to most others in that school, I was pretty open-minded. Things like this, to go down a bad route for so long, takes introspection and judgement to get oneself out of their own hellhole. I've been lucky, to be able to think for myself, to save myself from what would have been a completely ignorant me.

In general, I would like to think, people who have gone so far down this path in life are definitely incurable by the works of others, states like these you have to help yourself. The best you can do for someone as bad as this is to put them in the most suitable environment for them, like mother had done to me - IB at a college where I would be just another nobody.

From all of this, I have people I need to thank, something I should have realised long ago.

There were other things I was meant to say that I planned on the way back home, but I forgot. They're on these lines - you get the gist, if not, I do.

Saturday 9th October

I had a record-breaking 10 hours of sleep today, which has truly surprised me, but yet I still feel just as tired. If not, even more so than I usually am. I've had to plan the things I need for the following day, but for just a few hours seemed to take so long.

Nevertheless, this imminent feel of something missing lingers on inside of me.

This I can't quite put my finger on, so I'm going to have to leave it at that for now...

Friday 9th October 2009

A positive end to a very contrasting week, in my perception of things. However, this seems to contradict Adam's impression of everyone being in a "brighter" mood throughout the week, which I could also agree to some extent.

I don't know about this, of how everything seems to happen all at once. I mean, sure it's good to finally realise that a load has been lifted from off of your chest, but was the relief worth all that effort and pressure? Unfortunately I am still currently at terms with one another, still trying to decided which one outweighs the other.

Today's been a light and hazy mood for me, not reading too deeply into things, more sensory than semantic I should think.

Yet, I can't help but notice this feeling, something that's always been in the back of my head. My dearest father never played a major role in my life, but still he strikes me just as much as anyone else I know of. With his... disappearance, only this made me realise that he had contributed something to my life, whatever it may be it's definitely something I am currently missing.

I miss him, all in all, I want him back. That's too much to ask for, because I know I'm asking for something that's almost impossible, to try and bring everyone back together again like it had been a decade ago... I miss the days where we lived as one complete family, with little troubles and drama, always being able to afford what comforts us best.

I miss those days, the days where I was too young to fully appreciate everything they did for me when they were together, things that are not likely to happen again, just those once in a lifetime chances, gone with my childhood (if any).

Today, marks an unusual theme, a mixture of light-headedness and nostalgia. A great combination indeed.

A Recent Realisation

THE WORLD GROWS.

I swear there were less people than that living on this rock.

That is all I have to say.

Thursday 8th October 2009

It wasn't the tiredness that was the only thing that hit me this morning as I woke up, the cold was waiting for me too. Frozen, pinned into position, I was unable to move away from the cosiness of my bed, the warmth it provided, the comfort and energy it could reimburse for me. The heater wasn't on. Apparently, it was too early for the heater to go on and for only one person to appreciate the fully heated house on their own, is too much at cost.

My toes were frozen by the time I had gotten to the college, in which the day bought a few new things into my life. Once again, I am able to take extra exams and a familiar face in Yr12 too - just so happened to take GCSE mandarin with me last year at JCC.

All that was unexpected, none of it was bad - I lost all my songs, that must be bad...

There was a cloud about me, something that kept me from being fully conscious. Not quite sure what it is, by the time I get to think straight again, it could have been gone and I wouldn't be able to find out what it is.

It's really not the time, I should get back to my work or I'll fall back into my social self again...

Stuck In College

Stuck here with nothing to do, nothing but wait for at least another hour. How shall I go about this then? Simple. Library - what more can you get out of spare time in college?

Trying to get music investigation done and looking into my psychology coursework. Things should start to ease off temporarily now that my IOC exam is over...

Wednesday 7th October 2009

Dolce et decorum est pro patria mori - What a poem to do on one of the most dependent days of my life. Especially through a time like this, it's just the right thing to fit into my life right now.

I was in deep thought of what I should have done ages ago, of how everything would have been alright - I wouldn't have to go through all of this mess as I am now. Those times were missed opportunities, chances that I never saw came.

If I had the chance to go back in time, I'd tell myself to study. Study hard and not stop once you're at the top, because there many more people just like you out there.

Keep going and never stop. That's something learnt a tad too late...

The Maths Workshop

For an exam question that weas so simple to solve, 10 minutes in the maths workshop, after an entire week of attempting to find the answer for it. Now I have 20 minutes

I feel stupid.

Tuesday 6th October 2009

My IOC tomorrow and I've spent the entire evening studying on my war-time poetry and Hamlet play. It's funny how I can relate myself to Hamlet, in a very twisted sense. Maybe I could use this for if I've been given Hamlet to commentate on, it should go down well.

I had a look through analyses online and found out that it could be interpreted in so many diverse ways; each of which are all correct within their own reasoning.

How nice it must be not be able to think about things. How nice it must be to forget things so easily. I feel envious, of all the traits I could possibly choose from, I get a sustained memory, so that things could haunt me forever.

Anyway, I shouldn't spend too much time on here, it can all go to some use for me for tomorrow afternoon when my life will depend on something, whatever it my life is worth now.

Monday 5th october 2009

People have been... different. Unusually different and scarily unexpected. Yet I continue to wallow in my sorrow, to know that they're afraid of getting serious for when it comes to me. There's nothing left here for me now, all I can do is be happy around them, that alone is enough to satisfy their expectations.

There's nothing more that I can do, any more then people will hate me again. I've gone back into place, turned my back once again on my social needs and have poured my heart into education. That's the way it's going to be, no one's willing to put in that much effort anymore, not after a year into our college lives.

Sometimes I think, I'm just someone that people take me as "an extra somebody" that they know of, for their popularity status. But who would want to mention me? What good have I done since I was allowed my freedom to do what I want?

That was the other thing; this idea of freedom. I yearned so much for it throughout my secondary school years, but even now when I've been given the access to it, I only tear my own life down. I know now why parents never allow children to do such things, sure it swells the curiosity for when the opportunity arises, but it keeps us safe, innocent, unharmed.

But no, things like this I force myself into learning it the hard way.

What a mess indeed.

Confused

Not too difficult a question - Hero or Villain? Well, let's see the facts; since when had I ever done something thoughtful for someone? How many times have I managed to detach from someone for? How many people now hate me for the way I live my life? Who's the one to blame for all this upset in everyone? I could go on forever, need I continue?

I've had enough, fed up of it all. I am now utterly convinced that I have some sort of despicable habit that everyone seems to despise. Even if I choose to fix that human error of mine, there's definitely going to be something else that will be picked at. What am I supposed to do? I've no idea how I should deal with this nor do I know what will happen even in the next hour.

I've always been saying that I've been on the verge of tears, but this time, it's really hit me hard, just me, sitting there in my own little room, gazing at my top shelf where me trusted razor had always been. Three whole hours it took, for me to set my mind to allow it to comfort me. For all the things I do and have done, I deserved the punishment, right?

What sick disorder have I developed that makes me think this way? I've become something hideous, something that everyone feels embarrassed to talk about or ashamed of knowing such a thing.

There I was, thinking that I could make changes, certain that good things will derive from what I do, such a beautiful lie, an elaborate delusion to believe in, with all things intricately planned and thoroughly revised.

And here I am, encouraging myself to pour out my emotions whilst tears are constantly forming accompanied by the sweet, soft, silent wails which no one else will ever witness unless they want to seek some entertainment from me. And here I am, once again contemplating whether it's worth going through all this or do I just quit and live a fresh new life. Here I am, lost and confused, left with no direction pointed out for me. Like I had said before, it's by time that I pick up my own lead rather than let someone point it out for me. Letting go of my sense of direction was never the right thing to do, the hardest part for me now is to pick up from were I left off in Yr12...

So, this is me, at its core, rotten and cold, without any consideration for anybody else. This is me, coping with the fact that I have just pushed everyone right out of my life. This is me, trying to get a grip.

Life's not fair. Tough. Live with it.

Sunday 4th October 2009

Things are piling up, going to detach myself from everything here for the moment - will be back in due time.

There's just too much that can go too far on here...

Saturday 3rd October 2009

I'm not going to bother expressing my anger today, simply because it's only going to lower me right down to people's attempt to break me down, which I already have. Here I am, about to break my first tear, wanting to resort to the very razor I turned to in July, here I am, just how you wanted me to be and yet I remain here convinced that they're still not satisfied.

My suppression is in action, therefore I have nothing else to comment on. I bid you all goodnight.

Friday 2nd October 2009

I don't know what to say, it was all a bit different today, not only was it because of the inset day, but I think it's the people too. Almost everyone seemed slightly more sociable today, and what was ironic, there were few people in rehearsal but the bus I take home was unusually packed with passengers.

I'm beginning to feel more relaxed about certain things, that there are things that I can loosen up on, without having to use so much time where I can do just the same in less. This though, shouldn't really be the sign that I can slow down, I'll need to stick it up right the end of this, I still need these with me to get help me get through my life for another year or so.

Something's up with my energy levels, they've been extremely low recently and I'm not quite sure what the cause of it is. I should probably get some sleep now really, or else I'm going to feel like crap in the morning tomorrow.

Hours of Waiting... Still

As of 14:36 today, I'm still enclosed in what people call a room, trapped within this place, with very little to do. I have around two hours of waiting to do until I head off to orchestra, what to do in those hours still remains a mystery to me.

Bored.

Thursday 1st October 2009

I was so sure that I would end the day on a light-hearted mood, but no, there just has to be someone to dent it, not even just denting it, heavily denting it. I feel hurt, never have I been so easily pushed to my limits and today tested my composure. It's always so frustrating, to come up with something that was so fantasy-based and what would have been the idealistic world to be in, and then someone comes along to pop it, and that's it. Gone.

Endless night of crying myself to sleep, tonight may be the first in days that I won't be - simply because I've gotten so used to it now I've become immune and senseless to these things. I'm losing the ability to sympathise with myself, it's a waste of effort.

What am I doing here? For so long I've tried to do all those things I had dreamt of when I was young and to hold onto those memories close to heart, all of it comes crashing down because I failed to achieve exactly what I wanted. It's harder than it looks; the ambition never seemed that far off but it's so hard to get there.

I would love a moment where I could be free of criticism, free of anything that could bring my mood down, just so that I could be carefree for once, to let myself go. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, all I know is what I need and it's hell trying to get them.

Nihilistic some call it, I prefer the term useless. There's no use for me, why even bother anymore if it's not going to work out? I'm afraid, scared of the unknown, of what the unplanned life has in stock for me, the only factor that's fuelling me on what so many people, if not all, believe is the right path for me stick to.

My alternative option was to find a way out - I've told a few people of my dreams of how I would die, there used to be so many different ways, but now it's all narrowed down to two.

There was a reason why I made myself distant to other people, because there's no one that will agree with me on the more sensitive issues I have in mind, either that or they push it away with humour or sarcasm. This is why I feel hurt, people complain about how I don't express, yet when I want to bring on a subject, they don't want to involve themselves into it. Even if some try to, they make it so awkward and uncomfortable for me that I'm not able to express properly what I intended to.

It's a frustrating situation, the best I can hope for is... I don't know anymore.

Wednesday 30th Sepember 2009

A really confused day today, was trying to keep on top of things, which surprised me, as I could work out so many things this morning in maths.

My mind is just so empty today it's so hard to force something from out of my head to write up on here. Like I was saying, I was trying to keep on top of things, but what I had done yesterday was so overwhelmingly shocking i's left my mind blank for so long.

I need time on my own, my blog's going to be running dry for the next few days, I can't seem to focus on expressing my thoughts for now, afraid that I would say the wrong things at the wrong times.

Tuesday 29th September 2009

Could this be? This affection of Josh's has come across me quite strongly since yesterday. I understand that someone could be heartbroken when one finds out that one was being used, but this sort of reaction goes beyond that level compared to how he usually is and this puzzles me a great deal.

We were out in the middle of nowhere again this afternoon, where the sun would almost always be there, where Josh&Co. and the band would hang about, where we did so many photo shoots because of the great scenery... it was a bad choice to go there today, I decided to detach myself, not just from the particular individual[s] but from everything else too. That was when I regretted going there - he just sat there, not making a sound and from the peripheral vision that I have, his gaze was towards me.

I thought he just wanted to tackle me to the ground and squeeze the life out of me like all the other times when he does this, but I was embraced with two light arms, slowly tightening, accompanied with a soft and almost-silent sigh... Never have I experienced this with anyone or through any thought of mine, how imaginative it can be, left me in this electrifying ambiance, flutters surging down my spine leaving me immobilized, tranquilized, lost.

That's what I was. Lost. Engulfed in utter confusion, having not thought of an appropriate way to react to this newly acquainted encounter, only then was when I surrendered my deadlocked arms, to give into what I suspected to be a friend in great need by sliding my arms through from under his and resting my head on its side on his right shoulder.

We did make a pact on marking out our intimate borders once, only today it was broken and this had made me realise - Had we put up these borders because we were afraid of the unknown? Because that we would never know how to deal with these situations? Close friends getting closer, or has my soft spot gotten too big?

Actually, thinking down this direction has put me off completely from switching the topic of today's entry, I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Monday 28th September 2009

Writing out that title just then made me realise; my english IOC is almost a week away, whilst there's still so much more to do. I have to postpone my homeworks, must start reading and analysing Hamlet, or I'll stand no chance in getting a 5 for the subject. A 6 would be nice, but how is that ever possible?

Stressed out - the only two words that seem to come up into my head for the past few days, it's made me angry, it's made me insane, it's made me cry hours on end. In fact, I even think the latter is getting to me now; the rush of this butterfly feeling from my stomach, slowly usurping and eventually overwhelming me with an assault of throbbing pain in my throat. However much I breathe in it hurts to feel my ribcage could not expand any farther.

It won't go away, will it? It's just going to follow me, taking the chance for whenever I don't have anything to think about, it'll be there. They're not going to leave me alone are they? I'm going to be haunted by them for the rest of my life.

从来没试过这样的，这是第一次。 够了，我不想再做了，什么都没意思，那做干什么？ 晚了，放弃它吧，做到都没人通知, 还有什么希望。。。

时间快到，我不想再留在这里抱怨不止。

Non voglio essere come questo, voglio cambiare e non seguire ideale di altre persone.

A Song I Take To Heart

I was listening to the song this morning as it came up on my phone, one that I've not heard in a while and it had brought me to the verge of tears. I've missed it so much, even if it had only been weeks, it felt like it was so long ago. Don't know what I'm doing here, probably just wasting my time working out lyrics, like that's something of use to me...

I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now, and it's been so long.
Since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope.

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you...
This heart, it beats, beats for only you...

This heart, it beats, beats for only you.
My heart is yours.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you,
My heart is yours.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you, (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours. (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away),
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
My heart is (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)...

Allow Me To Explain

You were there to see me like that
And yet you were so insensitive.
You thought that you could comfort me
But all you did was to make me hate you.

It hurts to receive what you give
And still it keeps on coming.
It doesn't change - it's all the same
And it's so unbearable.

I just wanted a companion
To stay with me until it's over.
No need for you to do something
Just watch me get back on my feet.

I'm learning too as well as you
To see how I could accept your ways.
If we both make enough progress
Then we should meet half-way through.

That's all I want, I hope that's not too much to ask.
By all means try again, please, reach out to me before I go off again.
It would do me wonders.

Sunday 27th September 2009

I'm not sure whether today's been good or not, a day of all sorts to be introduced, with my mind all over the place. I feel so disorganised at the moment I'm not sure where to begin.

I began in the morning, trying to decide whether to take my friend with me to my piano lesson but came to mind that it would have been slightly awkward to have him there, so instead I left him at home. I feel like I'm talking about some commodity, subverting a being like that... No, I'm developing deeper feelings of conscience for him, and it's funny how our tacitness seems to be so puzzling for everyone else.

Things are piling up once again, a lot of things to cover in such a short space of time, but I'm determined to do it all, stick it up right to the very end until I fall right down to the bottom.

I don't know what to say, it's all so much to be thinking about and it coming all at once isn't helping me figure out what to say.

I need a break.

Saturday 27th September 2009

I couldn't wait until I went out to meet Josh today, with my hopes held high I thought once I get into the mood of upsetting myself it would be easier for me to let it all out, or at least, most of it. It turns out that it was easier, without having to do all the work myself, I could get so much out within just minutes.

Indeed I had to return the favour, after the tragedy of his relationship, I decided to invite him over to wind him down a little. How depressing, to have two people comfort each other, to force ourselves into believing that it would be too much work to tell the whole story to a new person, to reintroduce everything at the risk of exhausting the purity of the emotion.

What wonders lie behind that ideal paradise, to escape from all reality, to detach oneself from the chains that hold opposites together so that you would only get one and not the other. It would be so great to be in a world like that and I don't wan to think too much about it, or my reasoning will eventually get there and begin with its process of tearing it down, with all these impossibilities crashing down on me. It'll never happen.

Friday 25th September 2009

A surprisingly light mood to be in for the end of the week, regardless of what to expect on Saturday night. I felt quite... laid-back for some reason I'm not sure why.

It's probably the fact that I know I've worked a load off before the weekend has hit me, that's probably why I feel so much lighter, with little to hold me down, very few to drag me back. I still need to be aware however, that I have yet a long long way to go until I've managed to finish everything off.

I don't know about this week, it began so stressed out and I was even prepared to let it all out on by the end of the week, now I have doubt as to whether I can get even get them out by then, it's all so soon.

There are so many things I have planned for, so many things that I hoped would happen. But as time approaches, I feel less and less prepared for it, as though that I had planned everything a little bit too early for my liking. For all these times I've always been wondering about that, but for most occasions it tends to turn out that it had been perfectly timed for when I come to do it. Maybe it's one of those in-the-moment spurs, where I feel on edge about something and deem unable to think straight. Maybe that's just it...

Thursday 24th September 2009

A shock to my mind as soon as I found out that so many people have noticed my facebook status and me lashing out on Adam. I feel though that this is only the surface of what we do, I definitely know that in certain groups with certain people that we IB students tend to talk about someone who's not there, whether it be good or bad and it is always so discretely done that they'll never know until someone breaks it to them.

This has made me think, is this good or is it bad? I've not known this until today and it's made me wonder if there has been anything else, other than the last time of me and Ben through facebook (yet again...). I'm sure it's nothing too bad, I must be so unapproachable from the impressions I've made online that they didn't confront me with this current one but all has gotten better, I've finally distanced myself from the one I've had enough of and happily finding this medium, this balance between the two opposites so that I can be equally safe and content with either one.

I wish this Saturday will come faster, very soon, I really would like to feel this ton of god knows what lift off from my shoulders and at the same time, to comfort my friend for realising he'd been too gullible in relationships. How these hard times hit us hard, and yet we have the strength to stand up against them to this living day. After all it is our human nature, to cope, to survive, to eradicate obstacles, for every one that we encounter.

No longer shall we be beaten, no longer shall we be victimised, no longer shall we be targetted. We do not tolerate those who hold prejudices against us, nor against anyone else for that matter. That era has come to an end, time has come for change in this flawed ideal, of what should be and what should not. Our life is a gift, the world the blessing, it's time for us to accept beauty in everything from the mos likely to the least.

Wednesday 23rd September 2009

I feel so much at ease today, to be taken away to do workloads and then wind down with so much food, it's put me at ease, quite a lot. I found out only recently that being deprived of technological entertainment helps increase my motivation and work-ethic. I've managed to work off loads of things that need to be due - in advance, something that's hardly ever been achieved by one as such as me since college had started. Still there's a long long way to go and I need to be able to keep this up, no matter how much I go through now, wise words and I thank he who gave them to me.

I was supposed to come online for a different reason, but the urge to blog was so great that it repelled all resistance to prevent me from posting another entry. I just feel a lot lighter now, in contrast to how much thought I put into the opposing side, bipolar characteristics, no? No, I don't think I have any... This is all a distration, it will all get better sooner, whenever I deserve it most.

Time I should stop dawdling around and get ready for the next day to come. For now, I bid you all goodbye and goodnight.