Thursday 29th October 2009

I felt so stressed today, panicing about so many different things that could possibly happen to me, having the fear that I wouldn't be able to pass IB and knowing that I would have wasted away 2 whole years of my life, delaying my dreams even more - how depressing the thought. 

All these worries built up in my head over the past few days in this half term, and I was afraid, so so afraid, that I would one day just break down for no apparent reason, eventually resulting in an isolated me.  It's almost reaching that point, I can sense it - for some reason, I'm finding every single thing offensive; what people say and do, what's been happening to me recently, what will happen to me in the future, even Josh proved to be somewhat provokative today as he wrapped himself around me. 

But he knew what to do, an uphill struggle to relieve me from this state of mind and actually managed to calm me down. 

I think about tw days ago, I talked about looking out for certain qualities within particular people, how do I go about this then?  I have to admit, I'm scared of getting myself involved with any form of infatuation again, from the experience I had not long ago.  And another thing - what orientation do I consider myself now?  For all this time since I've been singled out of a relationship, the shock of it has wedged me into a non-preference position, feeling no proper love from anyone I know of. 

There're so many things I have in mind, most of them I can't even put into words - I don't want to, for the fear that I could convey the wrong message.  I wouldn't really want to be ready for any further criticism, as I'm in an easily-offended state at the moment, too fragile of a mind. 

I guess, this is some connection to the delicate atmosphere created at Symphony Hall - how I miss it so much already...