Wednesday 18th November 2009

I sat here for an entire evening, struggling to do even the simplest of maths problems.  How stupid I must feel right now, to know that I can't even do a 3 mark calculus question, it eats away at your morality.

I dislike it.

On the bright side, however, I had been pretty down on the fact that I did have a go at someone and had feared that the friendship woud have ended there and then.  After all, it is my nature to assume the worst should happen for every case possible.  It's taken a while for it to heal up, eventually to be spoken to after a break of silence, had elated me.

Whilst there were still many other problems on my mind, my upset had been lifted, and I should say, by a great amount. I had implied during the time I lost my temper, that I wouldn't take the initiative to make ammendments to this friendship any longer, that I wouldn't bother unless I get that effort back. Now, it's begun, resuming life as though none of it ever happened.

All this waing around though, has taken quite a bit of time. I come to understand this, as being the first to break the silence is often one of the worst experiences you will ever get. It makes you feel awkward and there's always the two possible outcomes; one that will relieve you from your most feared worries, and one that will make certain of doom.

There's one thing I have to thank Steven for, and let that be the thing called patience. I used to be patient once. I abandoned the idea as soon as I started college, because I came to notice that everyone was out their for their own personal gain, it was only right for me to take all and leave nothing so that I could have time to myself to consider what I need to live on. But throughout that past year, I've been trying to find a happy medium between the two, a medium that I myself would be content with. Though the search continues, following what seems an endless path, but at least it makes me believe that I'm getting clser to it. That illusion alone is enough for me.

But now, I grow tired of this fighting over things, not when it's definitely unecessary but I know I have to keep my guard, or I'll be taken advantage of.

How stupid of me, to think that I could ever be of a use for anyone.