Tuesday 16th February 2010

Today's one of those days where you think to yourself, it couldn't get any better and I don't mean it in a bad way either. 

It's when you find yourself so infatuated with your significant other and yet everything else is working towards your favour.  I thought that I would have to torture myself in order to get into a university and maybe I still do - the fact that I can qualify as a uni student with a minimum pass rate for IB is such a comforting idea, it's like I don't have to depress myself so much in the upcoming weeks. 

Everything today so far has been pretty easy to accept as great and I'm not used to that.  What happened to the criticism, the cynicism, the pessimism?  I've been having to force myself to see the negative things, now seeing the effect of having a relationship on both sides of he story. 

Confused?  I guess I'm in a bothered enough state to explain:

I remember when a friend of mine went into a relationship and the months after that she had never conversed with me, not even see me besides the weekly rehearsals we have on Thursdays and Fridays.  My other friend had told me he felt just the same way and had almost plunged me into his pool of neglect, but in an attempt to understand I only managed to just touch the surface of it.  I know of the anxiety it causes, the neglect, the discarding, as though there's no further use of you anymore.  That for me, was the first fist in the stomach, shutting me away in my room. 

Now, having to see everything under a different light, it's like there's nothing wrong with anything even if people sound upset and have tried to put you down for some self-comfort and ignoring their actions only make angrier. 

Now from all this, I have to admit, I think Adam's been the closest to avoiding all the problems for both sides of having a relationship.  The only issue being his unavailability but hey, he has other people to see, right?  And I may as well throw in the other issue - the "meh" attitude needs to go, far too childish and self-confined.  Already I hear Evee saying: "He's a boy!  He doesn't know how to understand people's feelings."  And what does that make me?!  Don't. 

Well, lest assured I'll be trying my best to go on life just as normal, if the relationship can spark under the current lifestyle I lead, to keep it going shouldn't mean I have to completely change it.

I can't do this, I need to end my blog in my usual way. 

My extended essay is trying to depress me as much as it can.  There's an unsurmountable load of sources I need to read and all for what?  A paragraph?  Oh the joy.  I need to prepare for my italian individual oral exam too.  Everything's just so college oriented the past few months, I really don't like it.  I think I've been to the point in life where you start thinking:  "College is beginning to get unbearable.  I want it over and I want it over now."  I just feel so fed up with this college crap I don't want to carry on with it any further.  But to move on means to finish it. 

I'll leave things on that, I'm content with knowing that I've done very little for my extended essay tonight, someone will need to motivate me in that area.