Wednesday 13th January

Today I reached my breaking point.  The day where I decided to just keep on going as this normal self that everyone had expected me to be, they push it.  This is a the moment in time where I find it extremely difficult to cope with, since there's now no one left to talk to wenever I feel like it.  I woke up this morning thinking that I could hold in my temper, and keep it from those who have nothing to do with it.  But even then I give up at the slightest of irritance. 

I had anticipated the atmosphere would be amiable, instead the winter coldness thought it'd be better to show my demeaning ways.  I thought, that with all the work-ethic I had gathered today, I would be bothered to catch up, only to find myself demotivated and laying on my bed. 

There are things you just can't win.  You try your best but you know it's impossible.  Why do we do this?  It's good psychology - knowing that you've made an attempt will put you at ease somewhat. 

I'm angered, yet I choose not to let anyone see of it.  You see, that's my attempt to save myself from inflicting others.  Yet there are still people who'd prefer me to flip at them, you all know me well enough - I don't do speaking on the spot.  Why?  Because whatever comes out of my mouth it gets analysed.  I can't just come up with a flawless array of sentences just like that, I need time to set up these premises. 

I've had enough.  Maybe it is time that I just pull myself together and not have anyone rubbing it in my face.  No, it is time for just that.  There's too much to do and too late, at least I can die out knowing I tried something. 

[Takes a break]

What just came to mind - these concerns people express, they were never for my sake really.  They ask so many questions and then go: "Good luck".  Again, it's good psychology - knowing that they've done their part as this supposed supportive "friend" would surely clear them of their sins and need not be purged for neglect. 

Enough of the cynical stuff, I have other matters on my mind at the moment.  One of those things I would like to point out is that I'm getting these withdrawal sypmtoms.  I want July to be here soon so I could see my friend again.  It's hard to deal with issues on my own and I really would like words of reassurance.  Just wait until uni, life couldn't be more free if it wanted to.