Sunday 7th June 2009

It dawned on me as I awoke that I've not had homework for the entire past week. That means that I don't have to stress myself out and going to bed pretty late in the day (although that might be exactly what I'd do anyway). It's been an awkward day too, don't really know how I feel - my patience was tried throughout the day through my nephew's persistent questioning on many, various topics, so much that I didn't bother answering anymore.

What was more, I decided to close myself off from every other person. I locked myself away in my room for most of the day, talking to Josh (matters which don't concern anyone reading this - if any). My temperament has been bad today, knocking down my defenses, having nothing to contain myself which, for some reason, Josh seemed to be positive of. He took the chance to teach me things, of self-composure - emotional intelligence:

"A term that describes the ability, capacity, skill or (in the case of the trait EI model) a self-perceived ability, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's, of others, and of groups" - basically how well I can keep my emotions to myself and then express them properly at an appropriate time.

He suggested to me taking a few tests to see what they come up with and see if they gave any advice on how to improve my emotional quotience. It turns out that I do most of the things they say already, so a few minor changes I'm willing to try shouldn't hurt much. I'll be seeing if it works tomorrow, maybe for the rest of the year if I see positive changes. This way it's one less thing to worry about but still, my financial status is eating away at me, it feels like a candle burning at both ends.

I've not heard a word from my dad either, 4 months now and not a sign. My step-brother's lost touch too, I'm beginning to jump to conclusions but that won't do, I have no solid evidence to prove that. I was told, it has to get worse to get better, but how bad does it need to be for me so that I can put things together sometime in the future? Maybe, if I disappeared, to escape from here, that might be it, I'd have to discard of myself, withdraw myself from attention, reducing it to as little as possible and watch the people return, relieved that I'm no longer around. But it's so hard, to leave past encounters, to abandon those who've supported me.

It's a problem, but solving things is a strength of mine, I'll figure out how to do it sometime, the sooner the better.